Guy doesnt think I respect myself because I paid for a trip....

[lovemuffin]

I was working with a guy (Jim) in a band. I saw Jim about 2xs a month. One day I told him I wouldnt be around the next week as I was going to meet a guy overseas I had been talking to online every day the past 8 months. I also had mentioned for some reason I woudl be paying the trip myself as the guy had lost his business a year prior and was pretty broke. I wanted to meet the guy but also desperately needed a vacation/change of scene from my crazy roommates and another situation that was going on at the time.

Ironically the guy I was going to meet lives in the same country Jim comes from. Jim pulled up pics on his computer of the area I woudl be visiting as he had been there not long ago. Some pics of an Asian woman started to come up also and he frantically tried to skip past them then just shut the whole program down abruptly. I asked him who the woman was. He seemed reluctant to say then said "Oh thats my girlfriend who lives in Asia" I said "Oh so you have a long-distance relationship too? How long now?" "Two years" he said. He said he sees her about every 2 months and they have talked about settling down here or in the country she lives. She runs ½ his business in that country and it wouldnt even exist if it weren't for her connections to a company there.

When I got back from the trip Jim asked me to dinner the next night to talk about the trip. I thought it was a nice friendly gesture and took him up on it. The next day he sent me an email saying he would like to hang out with me sometimes (dinner, music, movies...) as he didnt have many friends in the area. I knew he had a girlfriend and figured he meant plantonically. A couple months in he propositioned me for sex one night. I reminded him he has a girlfriend. I also found out theyd been together 6 years altogether not just 2. He said he wanted just a no-strings thing with me the months he couldnt be with her. I told him that was not my cup of tea and that I was looking for something more substantial.


I was feeling quite insulted after and a few days later we had an argument about it. He indicated he had pursued me because he thought I didnt value myself as a woman because I had paid the trip to meet the guy in the other country. He said “When you learn to value yourself the right guy will come along.” I said “Oh and until then slimy guys like you who cheat on their girlfriends will be hitting on me???” He said he also thought I shouldnt have met the guy as he wasnt employed. He said “If I really thought I loved a woman I would do whatevber it took to get the money for her to come meet me!” I wish I had said “What about being faithful to her too when you're apart???”This guy is British and his ex-wife never worked and he is in his late 50s. I got very pissed and explained to him “I didnt go there just to meet the guy from online btw... I also desperately needed a change of scene ironically because of my crazy roommates and a guy like you who was asking me for behind his wife's back. I also had doubts this guy was the love of my life...I just needed to get away and felt we had been friendly enough all this time and I wanted to go somewhere Id never been and decided on there since I knew someone there”

What do you make of this guy's response? Do you think it does mean a woman doesnt value herself today if she pays for a trip to meet a guy... or is this guy just living in the 1950s?

[IndiReloaded]

What do you make of this guy's response? Do you think it does mean a woman doesnt value herself today if she pays for a trip to meet a guy... or is this guy just living in the 1950s?

I don't think anything of his response and you shouldn't either. He's a cheater and a manipulator. He's found an insecurity of yours and is trying to put the screws to you.

Tell him get stuffed. Who is he to judge you? Tell him to clean up the shit in his own backyard before pointing out the mess of others.

The issue about the trip is separate from your issue with this guy. Post it as such. But first ditch this clown permanently, he's no friend of yours.

[smackie9]

Why would you even ask such a thing?.....the guy is a manipulative, untrustworthy piece of shit....he has a very negative/distorted view of women. You don't have to ever explain yourself to someone like this and you should have given him a blast of how much of an insult he is to the human race. Please proceed to never associate with this guy again. He is a douche.

[Boisdevie]

I'm a guy and what he said was insulting. He's quite clearly a class 1 dickhead.

[lovemuffin]

Think he said it to try to turn the blame on me? It makes him quite a bit more a dickhead.. but I think maybe that's what he was trying to do . He said to me "I couldnt beleive you were going to do that!" (NOTE: he's not even divorced... wife and he have an open relationship.. so he's never been back in the dating world for real and apparently doesnt understand a lot of people meet online these days). He continued..."If I thought I loved a woman I would do anything I could to find the money to meet her!!!" Riiiiight... but remain faithful to one while they're apart apparently isnt part of his moral lexicon. He probably doesnt even really love her but is just using her to keep his business afloat overseas.

[IndiReloaded]

Okay, so he's a nutter too. Do what you gotta, muffin.

[lovemuffin]

no this is over... almost a year ago. Thing is I just crossed paths with him recently and I get the impression some of the people I know at the club we frequent he's turned against me somehow. I have only recently told a couple people who were involved in the situation the truth of what happened.. as I'm sure he didnt. It dredged everything up again and I had never asked people's opinions about the trip part of it.\

[lovemuffin]

I was in a band with this guy. He has played with some of the most famous people in the world but is older now and only does it as a hobby. When I quit because of his behavior I sent an email resposne to a general band email asking about upcoming dates: "I will not be continuing with the band. It was great working with you all however." He totally freaked and said everyone was asking him what happened. He lkind of demanded that I make up a reason and tell the band to make everyone feel better. I replied: "Why dont you tell them what happened?" I have no idea what he told them but one guy I recently saw said he figured it was something personal between me and the guy.

I kind of feel like sending him this email: Hey Jim, Still cheating on your girlfriend these days? Its fun to read your posts on facebook about how people should be treated and ethics regarding business and politics etc... in light of how you tried to take advantage of someone you thought didnt value themselves and your cheating on and lying to a woman that has been keeping your business afloat for years and helping accrue your retirement. But it wouldnt suprise me you're probably just more than likely using her for your business.

But hey... whatever works for you, right?

[IndiReloaded]

There's any number of duds out there. If you spend your time thinking about them, then you will miss the gems.

[HeartIsAching]

Yep, nothing to add here. Indi and Smackie covered it.

[lovemuffin]

Thanks all... great confirmation!

[smackie9]

Well you most certainly kept your kool because most women would have found a way to let everyone knows him what kind of ass he truly is... Karma will bite him in the ass someday.

[lovemuffin]

Well as I mentioned in this thread or the other.... I recently got asked by an old bandmate what happened and told him. Another I am thinking of emailing.. he had hounded me the most back when it happened. A couple female friends from the club also know and one guy who comes to shows got it out of me one night.. but I just told him the guy had come onto me under false pretenses. Not sure if what anyone would make of that.

[smackie9]

Maybe that he was being a disgusting pig? lol.

[lovemuffin]

I hope so. He was the first person to ask and I was really caught off guard. Thing is though... he (scumbag) seems to have started scrambling to strenghthen and make new friendships at the club like crazy this past year. He goes to a lot more people's shows and stuff. I almost feel like he's trying to compete with me or talking smack to make people turn against me.