What's really going on? I can't figure it out.

[natashab]

Beware - long post! I have just been 'dumped' but there's so much history I can't work things out in my head. Any opinions would be received gratefully... Don't hold back!

I'm 26, at University doing a Psychology degree. I think I am quite self-aware and sensitive to others. I have been told I'm a good looking girl, kind and friendly. I don't really see myself that way, and I've proactively undertaken therapy on and off to help improve my confidence and deal more effectively with my anxieties and insecurities. I am pretty good now, my depressive tendencies are under control and my confidence is improving.

I'm been going out with my boyfriend of 40 for nearly 3 years. We moved in together last August. From pretty much early on in our relationship, he would display quite excessive emotional coldness when I showed insecurity or dependence on him (note: not excessive dependence). This always exacerbated my negative feelings and would upset me.

I worked on my dependence and confidence issues. But then something else would irritate him... My sleeping a lot sometimes (he'd say I was hiding from the world), my worrying about what someone said to me (i.e. believing they don't like me), my asking him if I looked ok and reacting a little when he replied "you look fine" (i.e. 'fine' isn't really positive). Sometimes he'd get in such a mood: he'd argue that I shouldn't do things like that, he'd get wound up and not talk to me for a few days, or ask me to leave, or say we should have some space.

Sometimes his reactions were totally overblown (i.e. on our first and only real holiday, I felt unwell one day when we were in a bar, he suggested I go back to the hotel, I said "yes, but I need a few minutes and some water before I go as it's really hot and I don't feel I can at the moment". He said something which I didn't hear as I was preoccupied with my stomach problems, felt I dismissed him, proceeded to freak out, accused me of trying to ruin his holiday, handed me his credit card, told me to book a flight home and never contact him again.

Now... I know I didn't definitely deserve the holiday incident, but with the other things I understood how they might be really annoying. At some level I also felt worried and upset by his lack of tolerance of my bad points. It's ok to be annoyed with someone, but I really felt he overreacted to other things. He often claimed I pushed him to that reaction. I don't know.

When things were going well, he'd often say he was closer to me than he'd ever been with anyone else. That I had no idea how 'much' he loved me. That he didn't know what he'd do without me. That he couldn't imagine life without me. That he thinks of me all the time. That I understand him better than anyone else has. I don't know if he really meant these things looking back.

But then, when we had what should have been a normal row, he'd often break-up with me on the spot "I can't do this. I can't have a relationship. I'm better off on my own. I can't give you the love you'd need" and those kinds of things. At these times I'd feel my heart was breaking. I cried and pleaded with him not to give up on us over a row. Other times he'd also say things to deliberately hurt me, and admitted to this intention afterwards. Of course, his words would cut.

Either a few hours or days later he'd crawl back "I'm so ashamed, I feel sick for hurting you so much, you don't deserve this, I don't know why I do it" etc. I suggested he needed to investigate this urge to push people away at the slightest sign of trouble (he has fallen out with some friends and family over trivial issues). He tends to imagine that people have bad intentions when he freaks out.

After this cycle happened about 5 - 10 times (I've lost count), things were going a bit smoother. We decided to move it together, but it was on the condition that he tries to change this destructive behaviour. It didn't take long for it to happen again. Before Christmas, he split with me again, I left for my parents and a few days later he apologised and we gave it another try. I said we had to get relationship counselling as we could not keep going through this. Each time this freak out happened, it was chipping away at our love, my love for him, my trust in him etc. We had to stop this destruction, and repair what we had. We had a couple of incidents since, but I didn't move out.

Last Wednesday we had our 1st counselling session. He said he really wanted to give us a go. Afterwards he said he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. (We always talked about having a family, bringing up our children, having a life together).

Then 2 days later he freaked out again and broke up with me. "i'm not attracted to you, we don't have sex anymore, we want different things, you're a student and I want to buy a house, we're incompatible, we're not happy, I'm attracted to other women, you've let yourself go, etc etc" He also feels I'm a "financial burden, financially irresponsible". When I asked him why he said only 2 days ago that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, he said he didn't mean it, that he said it because he felt sorry for me, because I was vulnerable. I just don't know whether to believe he didn't mean it... that's not something you say to someone if you don't mean it. I hadn't prompted or pressured him to say anything like that.

I tried to urge him to rethink. I reminded him of his regret every time he did this. I tried to get him to see that when he's like that, he goes to a very dark and negative place and that it's not real. He says he loves the "idea" of me but that the reality of living with me just isn't as good. (note: he had major issues with me before we lived together).

It didn't work. I moved out last Sunday. I called him, drunk, on Monday night and on Tuesday trying to persuade him to get help for his anger and tendency to push people away. I also expressed a desire to give relationship counselling a try. He was non-responsive "Look, just face that it's over. I'm sorry. We're not right for eachother".

I haven't called him since. He hasn't called. I'm now trying to accept that this time it is over. I'm trying to persuade myself that despite his kind, caring, affectionate and loving side, he has never shown true commitment and has always been flaky, over-reactive, changeable, and at times, very hurtful. He has a deep anger which is self-destructive, and very hurtful to others.

Some people think he'll eventually come crawling back when he realises what he's lost in me.

I miss him so very much. I'm also angry. And I feel very rejected and vulnerable. But I'm also worried for him.

Thanks for reading thus far! Any opinions or questions?... Thank you x

[diablo robotico]

Wow, if I didn't know any better, I'd say this guy is bipolar!!

You, thought, have to look after yourself. This is a destructive relationship. It sorta reminds me of a relationship where the woman always gets physically abused but keeps taking the guy back after he says he's sorry. He doesn't physically abuse you, but he sure as heck mentally abuses you. You're better off without him.

Look after yourself. He needs help.

[natashab]

P.S. My family and friends have been telling me not to go back to him if he says he's sorry and asks for another chance. They say that he's hurt me once too many times and that he's never going to change.

[natashab]

Wow, if I didn't know any better, I'd say this guy is bipolar!!

You're better off without him.

Thanks for your response. I think I have blamed myself so much I haven't seriously considered he has a major problem.

I probably am better off without him, but I'm not convinced. I don't think I could find someone who could love me the way I want to be loved.

[diablo robotico]

Thanks for your response. I think I have blamed myself so much I haven't seriously considered he has a major problem.

I probably am better off without him, but I'm not convinced. I don't think I could find someone who could love me the way I want to be loved.

You know what? I know what you mean, exactly what you mean. Because the girl that recently dumped me is *everything* I want. But here's the kicker - she doesn't love me the way I want to be loved. And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

It's the same with your guy. He doesn't love you the way you want to be loved. Yeah sure, sometimes it's great, but he's got that other side too, which is very destructive and unproductive and unloving. If you take in the whole guy, he doesn't love you the way you want. You've got to move on.

[natashab]

You've got to move on.

I know I do, but right now it's so, so hard and on top of that I have so much studying to do which I just can't focus on.

I just keep thinking about the times I got "through" to him, when we "connected", when he was in touch with his real feelings and able to open up. When things were good (80% - 90% of the time) it felt so right, and he would say that on a regular basis.... that we were 'right' together, that he loves (loved) me more than I'll ever know. So why doesn't he want me now? Argh... I . just . don't . get . it .

I feel like his 'dark side' just took over and destructed all the progress we were making together. 1 step forward, 2 steps back.

I keep clinging onto the idea that he can change through accepting outside help and that we might be able to fulfill our potential.

But of course.... he'd need to call me first!!!

Do you really think he just doesn't want me? Am I being totally blind?

[cycletease]

You are clearly a bright and perceptive woman, so I would like for you to read your post as if it wasn't you and think about this situation in a detached fashion.

I think what you will see is that you are dating an abuser who is confused not only in the relationship but with himself. I would imagine that anyone dealing with this guy would have self confidence issues, has it occured to you that the issues are because of him not you?

The fact that you love this guy does not make him a suitable mate. People love serial killers, too...but that doesn't mean that anyone can have a healthy relationship with them or save them. Sorry for the harsh analogy, but the point is that everyone can have some redeeming qualities, that doesn't mean that you can live happily ever after with them.

The sheer force of your will and love cannot heal him or make him a better person for you or to you. This relationship has damaged your self-esteem and is slowly tearing you apart bit by bit.

Whether he meant the things he said or not, there is no way that you guys could live happily together...he will always be this way. Be grateful you didn't have kids, imagine them in this situation.

I would love for you right now to see your relationship clearly and be able to totally let go. You need to move on, put a smile on your face and settle your soul that this is how it must be. You are strong, you will be stronger out of this situation. You will be confident, you will be happy and you will now know the things to avoid in a future mate.

You can do better than this guy and you deserve better than this.

[diablo robotico]

At this point, I don't think you should worry about whether or not he wants you. In fact, I'm willing to bet he does want you. I'm 85% sure he's bipolar at this point. There's nothing you can do. It's out of your control.

If you think you're strong enough, then stick to it. Keep it up. Because if he really is bipolar then he can't control his mood swings without help (meaning professional help). Otherwise, you've got to stay away and take care of yourself.

[diablo robotico]

The sheer force of your will and love cannot heal him or make him a better person for you or to you. This relationship has damaged your self-esteem and is slowly tearing you apart bit by bit.

Listen to cycle, for she is wise.

[natashab]

This relationship has damaged your self-esteem and is slowly tearing you apart bit by bit.

My self-esteem has never been 'normal'... so I don't see the damage clearly. I was damaged before I met him.

Thankfully, after this relationship started I decided to work towards a degree. I think going to University has helped me get through this, as it's gradually given me some confidence. It has probably counteracted the impact of the relationship. I think had I been in a crappy job right now, with nothing to look forward to, I would be in a very, very bad place.

Thank you both for your appraisals of the situation...... it is giving me strength to get through tonight.

[diablo robotico]

Just from the impressions I get of your posts, you seem like a very intelligent and caring person. I'm glad going to school has strengthened your self-esteem. Keep that up. Confidence is a turn-on.

[cycletease]

You are going to be fine, think of how much you have going for you. With your background you have so many more resources to pull from and the benefit of counselling to help you.

No matter how clear cut a relationship may seem to others it is always the toughest to see ourselves. Sometimes it may take years to gain perspective on a situation. Either way, it still hurts and the pain is real. I am sorry that you are going through this and I am sorry that I can't tell you what you want to hear most...that you can fix this.

I can see that you are a "do-er" and are a determined person. I would love to see you put that determination towards you getting yourself healthy and out of this situation. I feel drained just by hearing about your situation, I don't know how you can live in it.

What I can tell you is that it is better our here, out of this situation. There are people to love who will love you and not be a mind job all the time. There are relationships where you are not constantly fighting just to keep things together. There are better times ahead and I have no doubt that you will see them and look back in relief that you don't have to be here anymore.

[natashab]

Thank you for your kind words of support.

I have been reading some of your other posts and am sorry you are also suffering at the moment. You seem like a kind and emotionally generous person - that is very valuable. You may be right for her, but she may not be in a 'place' where she can appreciate and recognise this. Her priorities and understanding of life and what she wants from it might be prevent her from seeing this at this precise moment - it is not a reflection of you. She is lucky to be loved by someone in touch with his emotions, who is able to express himself and be vulnerable.

I truly get the feeling you will be just fine, it'll just take some time!

[natashab]

Cycletease ... you really should be doing this for a living!

[cycletease]

Oh, and one more thing.

You did the best that you could. You really did. You tried, again and again and in new and creative ways. You gave it your full and best effort. Things didn't work out, but that isn't because of you. You cannot control the universe and you cannot control anyone else. All you can do is the best that you can, you can let go and know that there was nothing more that you could do here.

You did great and you should feel good about yourself for being the type of person who is so loyal and committed that they will fight 'til the end for someone.