Girlfriend want me to stop talking to girl who is friend

[BlueStar]

Hi All,

I have a situation that I am hoping that I can get some advice on.

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 2 months now. We are very much in love and while in the honeymoon phase for sure, we have known each other for about a year and a half so there is a maturity to it.

Nevertheless, there has been a reoccurring issue. She is threatened/jealous of a friendship I have with another woman. This is a woman who is a close friend of mine and a friendship that I really like. While we did date a little bit in the past it went no further than kissing and to be honest I am just not attracted to her.

My girlfriend seems to want me to taper my relationship with her (and it seems implied she'd like me to cut her out completely). She says she wants to be the one who I talk to, it seems solely, and about everything in this somewhat exclusive way. I'm not really into this as I greatly value my friendships. I find them to be a substantial source of who I am in terms of perspective, ability to handle challenges and as sounding boards. This particular friend is probably one of the people I like talking to most.

For what its worth I love my girlfriend and am not into the other girl at all beyond friends (and this seems mutual) and am hoping to work this out to where my girlfriend can feel trusting and I can have friendships of depth beyond just her.

Any advice or insights are appreciated.

[lesa]

Why not include the girlfriend with the friend?

I had a guy that had a female friend. She was more like a sister (he called her cousin) to him. I never had an issue because they really acted like siblings and if anything was going on, it would seriously appear gross lol. Anyway, I never had issues and never asked to be invited but he asked me to go with him every time he visited her...wow, he did not want any miscommunication. I admired him for it.

What do you talk about with this friend?

[starbuck]

Blue,
Can you invite your platonic friend to hang out with both you and your girlfriend? This might make your girlfriend feel less threatened by her.

You need friends beyond your girlfriend. It's not really healthy to have your girlfriend be your only confidant.

[BlueStar]

Thanks to both of you. Great and simple ideas. Sadly right now the friend is away so the only way we communicate is via email.

When we talk we talk about everything. Jobs, life, parent issues, whatever. Definitely personal stuff and on a deep level.

Blue,
You need friends beyond your girlfriend. It's not really healthy to have your girlfriend be your only confidant.

I completely agree, I need friends beyond her. And deep down I believe she knows this however she seems blinded right now!?
I think she may have some deep insecurity about this sort of thing (she said she wants to know me better than anyone. strangely competitive and unrealistic). Any advice on how to handle that possibility?

[vashti]

After you try including her in your outings to improve her feelings of security, there is nothing more that could be done. She is being unreasonable,and you will just have to say no... and mean it.

[starbuck]

I completely agree, I need friends beyond her. And deep down I believe she knows this however she seems blinded right now!? I think she may have some deep insecurity about this sort of thing (she said she wants to know me better than anyone. strangely competitive and unrealistic). Any advice on how to handle that possibility?

It is insecure and clingy, yes. She probably doesn't realize that this kind of behavior can run the risk of driving you away. I would just reassure her that while you have friends besides her, that your relationship with her is still the most special.

Encourage her to spend some time with her own friends sometimes, too? It's reasonable to suggest this in the beginning. I find it best to try and maintain a healthy balance of time together and time apart, especially in the beginning. It also lengthens the honeymoon stage.

[BlueStar]

Awesome advice. Thanks All!

[BlueStar]

Hi, This is a continuation of the above post:

Where I'm at now is I feel like I'm losing my mind. We spoke for what seems like all day yesterday. I'm feeling drained and frustrated. She spoke with a friend who told her that if I want to talk to the girl who is my friend then I have to bring up the topic of my girlfriend when we talk. Relevant or not apparently I would have to bring her up.

Tell me if I'm wrong, please, but this sounds/feels controlling, not to mention inorganic to the friendship I have.

The biggest challenge I am having with this is, we don't seem to be getting to the root of the problem. Basically that there seems to be trust issues at work here.

I am open to other opinions but I suspect the source of this is not within me.

Please advise.

[Cain]

She seems extremely insecure. I'm sure that your friend knows that you have a gf, so I don't understand why you would have to continuously bring it up.

Personally, I wouldn't end an innocent friendship over someone I've been dating for two months. In fact, I wouldn't end an innocent friendship for any woman.

[Gigabitch]

Are you SURE the disinterest is mutual between you and your friend? This might be important.

How much does the friend know about your current situation? Does she like your gf? Have they ever met? Is the friend seeing anybody, or is she also closer to you than she is to anyone else?

[Indignant]

that was my thinking too. i remember vashti calling such situations emotional cheating or some sort. does the friend have feelings? is he getting sexual in their talks?

[Aeradalia]

After you try including her in your outings to improve her feelings of security, there is nothing more that could be done. She is being unreasonable,and you will just have to say no... and mean it.

I think you're as far as you can go with this.... this woman is being unreasonable and won't stop until her self-fulfilling prophecy comes to fruition--- until you leave.

It's sad, unfair, and borderline insane... but some people would rather follow their emotions far more than logic. I mean you are telling her about your friend, willing to include her in your friendship with her, and disclosing all that you talk about to your girlfriend...

Logic would suggest that you have a friendship with this girl and a lot of trust and respect for your girlfriend.

Her emotions on the other hand, have you pegged as a bastard and perhaps she views herself as unworthy or incapable of having love? Who knows?

Bottom line, her controlling ways disrupts the trust you should have for one another. Other than letting her know this... there isn't much you can do.

[Gigabitch]

I think the girlfriend is being extreme, but I don't think we know enough about Blue's relationship with this other girl to dismiss her concerns completely.

[BlueStar]

I think the girlfriend is being extreme, but I don't think we know enough about Blue's relationship with this other girl to dismiss her concerns completely.

I totally hear you. I almost wish she could come on this forum and give her perspective and see the advice that she gets. I do wonder if her way of telling things would yield different advice.

To help with that I'll answer the below.

Are you SURE the disinterest is mutual between you and your friend? This might be important.

How much does the friend know about your current situation? Does she like your gf? Have they ever met? Is the friend seeing anybody, or is she also closer to you than she is to anyone else?

1) No, I am not 100% sure the disinterest is mutual. She may still like me but she clearly gets the picture. (my girlfriend rightly or wrongly believes otherwise)

2) The friend knows my current situation completely. She knows I'm in a relationship and before entering this relationship I had told her I was only looking for a friend relationship from her.

3) She does not know my gf.

4) Never met. Different locations. Me and the friend are more or less email friends.

5) I don't know if the friends seeing anyone.

6) We're pretty close. One of the reasons I like this girl (the friend) is that she's very intelligent and great to bounce things off of.

In regards to the question of emotional cheating: This is where I see I could be going wrong. I really like relationships of depth. With my guy friends, girl friends, parents, siblings, whatever. While I'm happy to stay with surface conversation I find something more intellectually exploratory or emotionally searching/realizing much more fun. I generally will 'go there' with whoever is willing. Do I need to tone this down? It is a good deal of my personality and one I like. All the same I can see where this could become a threat.

Thanks all for the continued advice.

[Junket]

2 months and she's already acting like your wife?