No heavy kissing = dumped

[autobahn]

Would you dump someone who offered you no physical intimacy? I've been dating a woman for 5 months (only like 12 dates) and we haven't made out yet. I'm 24, she's 22. She's not conservative, but the story is complicated. She moved things intentionally slow so I wouldn't be a rebound guy. We took a break after 3 months and got back together 3/4 weeks ago (she came back to me and said she wanted to date, but not exclusively), and have only had 3 dates since then (only 2 really, 1 was in the afternoon and her roommate was there). Yes, we kiss. I make moves. But she always pulls away or says she has to go. The last date she was sick and could hardly speak; I brought it up but it was the wrong time/place/circumstance to talk. She told me not to freak out, but I'm freaking out!

I really like this woman, and she has told me twice that she thinks we are the right people but it's just the wrong time. I didn't want to walk away from that, which is why I took her back, but I'm going crazy. I just assumed that when she said she wanted to go on dates, she would be willing to cuddle/kiss/makeout/caress each other. I do have feelings greater than as a friend (not love though), and I want to express them. I have no doubt she must feel something for me, but naturally, I don't feel like she is attracted to me. I want and need affection, as much in an non-exclusive relationship as in an exclusive relationship.

This is a big deal for me and I feel it warrants breaking up again. Is this shallow or should I wait for an explanation from her when I see her this week? I mean, making out isn't sex; I was hoping to give her 2 months for her to come around, but I need affection. I want touch and to feel close.

Would you dump a woman/man you really liked under similar circumstances?

[Jenrick285]

Perhaps she's not ready? You mentioned she didn't want you to be the rebound guy, I believe, also you two aren't exclusive.

I would take it as it is, you two are dating, not exclusively, and enjoy her company. If you need more, ask her what is it she wants from you, but then again perhaps she's just not ready to make that jump from a previous relationship (?).
Ask why, thats at least what I would do.

My two shillings.
=)

[sfalexi]

I stayed with a girl for over a year and never had sex. To me, sex is part of a relationship. She FIRST told me that she was conservative and didn't want to have sex until she knew she was in a long term relationship with someone who was worthy. And I KNOW I treated her 100 times better than anyone else has.

After a year, she changed her tune to "I really didn't want to have sex until I was married." Which is not my plan, nor will I change it. I think sex should be part of a relationship and I'm not willing to wait until marriage.

This 'not making out' think isn't for you. You feel that it should be part of your relationship with her. Tell her that. If she can't agree, then tell her you're sorry, but it's not going to work out. You're just not compatible as this is important to you.

Rod Steele

[autobahn]

Thanks. Making out is important to me, as is sex. I want sex within an exclusive relationship, but I have no problems making out without commitment. To me it is an opportunity to explore our connection and physical chemistry, along with expressing affection and attraction; these things are an important part of a relationship in my opinion, and are necessary to determine if I want commitment.

[Anthony]

I agree with sfalexi: if there are certain things that you require from a relationship and no amount of bending or compromising will make the situation satisfactory for both people, it's time to end the relationship. It's fair that you might be expected to wait for the other person to be comfortable before advancing, though if it becomes clear that it's simply not something that will ever be resolved in a way you can accept, there aren't many options other than moving on.

[KirstyM]

I think if you want to end the relationship over this then fair enough, but at least talk to her properly first. Perhaps she's not ready, maybe you could get her to explain in more detail why she's so unwilling so that you can understand.

If you really like her then dont rush into any decisions like this, she'll be worth it in the end.

[autobahn]

If you really like her then dont rush into any decisions like this, she'll be worth it in the end.

She would be worth it in the end; the making out issue is really just a part of some deeper emotions on my part. I want to express the affection I have for her, and I want to feel attractive and desirable too. Kissing and touching are two of the best ways to communicate these things, though there are other ways. I can't read her mind, so I don't know how she feels.

Obviously, we are in two different places right now, and as hard as I have tried to reframe the relationship and come down to her level, I don't know where she is at. I've asked her before: "I know what you don't want from me, but what do you want from me?" and her response was basically, "I don't know."

I will give her a chance to make an explanation, but I'm at a place where I am ready to love and be loved, and she is at a place where "maybe something will happen, I just don't know." That is a bigger reason to move on.

[KirstyM]

Try and talk to her some more. Maybe she doesnt really know herself - but it would be helpful if she was able to try and express herself to you. After all, without communication you'd be pretty much doomed. If you think she'd be worth it in the end then maybe give her more time but if that doesnt seem to make a difference, and she doesnt appear to be getting any closer to the stage you're at then perhaps it would be time to end it.

[Fawn]

If she hasn't figured out what she wants in 5 months of seeing you, I really don't think she wants to be in a relationship.

At your age, its normal to be kissing (at least an open mouthed kiss) after the first couple weeks. Hell, even sex happens in the first few weeks of a relationship (all depending on the person that is).

You seem to be a good guy. You want the emotional and physical parts of a relationship. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Your still young and there are going to be many other girls in your future. If I was in your situation, I would break it off for a while. Go date around for a bit. Experience life!

[Anthony]

At your age, its normal to be kissing (at least an open mouthed kiss) after the first couple weeks. Hell, even sex happens in the first few weeks of a relationship (all depending on the person that is).

I'm glad you added the final comment in brackets, otherwise that would have been quite an offensive generalization.

[Fawn]

I didn't want to make it a generalization, since we all have different views and different opinions & actions. Just refering to the situation. Plus I was somewhat moody last night. lol.

[autobahn]

There is nothing offensive about her generalization: it's true. Many relationships of people in their young 20's include some kind of sexual activity (not necessarily intercourse) within the first 2 months.

I broke up with her. She doesn't want a relationship right now, and she's not offering sex, so really she's offering nothing aside from a friendship, but I am too far involved for that right now. My self-esteem really tanked as our relationship didn't progress, and I need to become happy again and develop some social confidence so I can make new friends and date more women.

Thanks Fawn for the vote of confidence in future relationships. I haven't had many, and suffer from some social anxiety in the realm of dating. I can use this experience as a building block once I heal, and there will be other women in the future.

[sfalexi]

If you really like her then dont rush into any decisions like this, she'll be worth it in the end.

Provided she ends up coming around at some point while you're still interested in having the relationship.

Perhaps she's not ready, maybe you could get her to explain in more detail why she's so unwilling so that you can understand.

Just watch out for the 'stalling' maneuvers. THings she says or does to stall that conversation of the explanation while she continues to bide her time. My ex-girlfriend hasn't given me an explanation as to why we started 'a break' yet. And our 'break' started 7 months ago. Personally (and I don't think I'll be alone here), I think 7 months is plenty of time to formulate an explanation as to WHY we are on the break to begin with. But every time I talk to her it's, "Well, I'm really busy at work this week and I'm going to the shore next weekend with a friend and my brother's getting activated in October so I'm trying to spend as much time as possible with him, but I promise we'll have that talk soon." Soon she says. SUUUUURE!!!!!!

But I'm not waiting around forever. And I don't think you should have to do the same.

Rod Steele

[Kermy]

I think what Jenrick285 said is on the ball. Maybe she's not ready? Again, like you said she wants to take it slow because she doesn't want you to be a rebound. And you mentioned that she's not dating you exclusively, which does make sense that you're not making or getting any physical intimacy yet. I mean if she did that with you she'd be doing it to all the other guys she's possibly dating also, and that would make her to town whore or something geez. If you've only been on 12 dates in 5 months than I think it's WAAAAAAY too early. No seriously, because in 5 months for me personally means that you two are really getting a long term relationship which goes to say that there's a commitment there and would naturally expect to spend a lot more time with each other unless ofcourse you're in a LD relationship.

I think what this woman might be doing at the moment is fishing around for the right guy to come along. She seems to be dating you as a friend more than anything. You guys are on a totally different pace. You've got to respect that, she's at the beginning and you're like trying to hit second/third base already man.

edit: Btw, in regards to your last question, I would say that NO this is not a legitimate reason for "dumping" her if that's what you call it. But I personally don't even think you're even at that point where you can dump her though because you two don't seem to be at that stage yet. But I think you should however give it a bit more time. Patience young grasshopper, your time will come if you do things right.

[autobahn]

edit: Btw, in regards to your last question, I would say that NO this is not a legitimate reason for "dumping" her if that's what you call it. But I personally don't even think you're even at that point where you can dump her though because you two don't seem to be at that stage yet. But I think you should however give it a bit more time. Patience young grasshopper, your time will come if you do things right.

I've been patient enough. If she wanted to be with me, she'd be with me. Emotionally or physically. There is no sense trying to play poker and bluffing every hand. She can find another guy. If we are not in the same place by now about what we want, we are not compatible and not meant to be together. Her past doesn't matter. What matters is where I am at. I agree, by 5 months I expect the relationship to be commited otherwise it's not really a relationship. If a woman doesn't want me after that long, chances are slim she ever will, and it's really not worth the wait. Other women are out there; I just have to find them.

I dumped her, for the lack of a better word. Yes, the kissing is a big part of it. She can neck with another guy. But basically I don't want friendship dates, I want dates. Other women would love to meet me and will offer me the emotional and physical bond I seek if we are compatible. I will find that person.