My ex wants to date me, and other girls!

[NillaWafers]

OK this is going to be long, so if you don't have any patience, be gone with you!

I'll try to make this short and succinct, but it'll be hard.

Two months ago I was raped by a guy I worked with. I work at a summer camp, and it happend towards the end of the season. I blocked the rape, or more like my feelings about it while it was happening, so after the rape was done, I believed I had cheated on my boyfriend.

My boyfriend and I had been going out for a year and a half. We'd had our few bumps, the most recent one being a one-day break which involved me not knowing HOW much I loved him. Like I said it only lasted one day.

Two weeks after the rape happened, I told my boyfriend that I had cheated. He said he could forgive me and everything, that he would try to move on. The problem here is that I really couldn't remember what exactly had occured, I could only remeber that I had had oral sex with another guy. So I told him I was drunk ( I wasn't, the guy who did it was) and I left out several things, because I really didn't remeber them until later.

About a week after I told him, I started to remeber more, because I had been really thinking about it, and I told him. I think that really upset him. The next day he went out and "partied", got drunk, and made out with another girl to see if he could do it. He could only do it drunk, and he knew the whole time that it wasn't me. He concluded that I had wanted what had happened to me. Remember, he still believed I cheated on him.

He broke up with me that Monday. I won't lie and say it didn't effect me. I was devastated. My mom didn't understand because I hadn't told her what happened at camp. I told her 3 days later because I thought she deserved to know why my ex and I woulnd't be getting back together. She started asking questions, and for the first time, things REALLY started to come back. I remembered trying to get away, saying NO at least 3 times. I remember worrying about fighting back, screaming, worrying that he would hit me or go farther. I remembered a lot of stuff.

So I called and told my ex, and he said "I don't know what to believe". I believe that's understandable being that he lost all trust in me at that time. I had a hard time the whole next week, I barely had any contact with him whatsoever, and I was dealing with these new emotions.

Well to shorten this up, he believes me now, but isn't back with me. It seems he keeps progressing slowly towards me. Three weeks after he broke up with me he started going out with another girl. He insisted that it wasn't serious, and it wasn't about him falling in love, that he was just doing it "to do it". They aren't together anymore.

Basically, we went out while he and his new GF were together, and we had a nice talk. He told me that he "wanted to get with me eventually" and that "he assumed, but didn't know if it was goig to happen, that we will be together". He says he's worried about hurting me, and getting hurt. He says he still loves me but he can't feel it, because he has buried the love because it caused him so much pain to begin with.

It really bugged me, so I talked to him on AIM that night. Here's what it all came down to:

"Right now im going out with Franz u know that. I like her she likes me and i dont know how long we will last but i dont think it will last long. I know that the best relationship i could have is with u. And i was to save it for last i want it when im rdy for it or else it can just tear us apart. I plan on staying as friends till im rdy for US and i plan on goin on dates, seein other girls and also i want u to go out and date other guys, i know u dont trust them but u dont really have a choice. Everything u do u put trust in someone and u dont even know it. Everyone has to put trust into someone everyday all day. I want to date i want to make sure that im going to have a great future one that i can be happy with with u. I can see us together in the future having a long life together i really can but i cant see us in a relationship now. I think we were meant to be together later on in life but we happen to find it sooner then intended. I would like to double date sometime, i want u to go out and experience more in life. U even said yourself it will give u time to find yourself and find out what u want to do with your life and u said that u cant do it with me....its going to take a lot of time for u to find yourself and to find out what u want to do and to get strated on it. We both need time apart to get rdy for what we got coming in the future. This is what im thinkin this is what i want. And for once im going to do what i can to make it go this way. I like Franz cause i can feel more like myself around her its kinda like hangin around with my friends at school how we can just joke, and talk about anything we want or something thats bothering us...its kinda like i think of her more as a guy but she is a girl and its possible for us to get into a relationship but i know its going to last probly no more then a year."

So after that we really didn't talk much. I know he and Franz broke up pretty soon after the conversation. I started dating a little, and after we talked, it seemed he was threatened by it. He told me about 4 days ago he was "scared I'm going to lose me". I called him this Friday, Because I had just gone to the therapists, and that always brings up new emotions in me. I just needed someone to talk to, and he is the only one who has ever understood me.

So I talked and I told him that I didn't know if he wanted me to love him anymore. He said that's not true and that "we started off wrong,we went too fast, we need to start over" He then said that he thinks that we need to "date". I asked him if he would still see other girls, and he said "yeah". I was a little disturbed by it but I let it go.

Saturday I called him, and we were talking. I asked him what he meant by "date". And he said like going out. Like friends, but a little bit more serious. I asked him why he needed to date other girls and he said it was "Because he didn't want to go too fast with me". I said I didn't want to go to fast either, but when it comes down to it, he doesn't trust himself enough. So I ended up getting angry, and I said I hated everyone (one of those random bursts of anger I get a lot now), and I told him really sarcasitcally "thanks for caring". He got mad and hung up. I take it it hurt him, and that maybe he really does care? I went over to his house to apologize, and he and I talked for two hours. He says he wants to hang out with me sometime this week, and then go out after he gets paid.

My question is of course: Am I being stupid for going along with this? I really really love this guy. I doubted our love in the beggining, but after the rape...I KNOW I Love him with all my heart. I have a feeling he may not end up dating other girls if he starts dating me, but prehaps that is wishful thinking on my behalf. I know that if he does date, I'm not going to sit there all doe eyed. I'm going to date too. So your verdict? Stupid or not?

[Rach]

First off, I feel incredibly bad for you, that is something terrible to go through. And I'm sorry it had to happen to you. But it is a good thing you reached out and told your mom and now go to therapy.

Now, on to the guy...If he really really loves you, I would think he'd be understanding of your feelings and thoughts at this time, and how bad and confused you must be feeling inside. I would think he'd be there for you now.

BUT, If he wants the whole "date other people for a while" scenario, he shouldn't get tense, upset, mad, or anything when he sees you with another guy, because that's just part of the deal.

Honestly, I don't know if I would or wouldn't go along with it, but it's not completely stupid. Lots of people take breaks to date other people, and sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't. That has to be something you decide; whether he's worth it or not.


Good Luck in making your decision, sorry I couldn't be of more help! Just has to be something you think over for a while....