Insecurity and Trust

[offa]

Hey all, Im josh.

Have some issues and id love some advice and thoughts..
I'll start from the beginning..

I've been with my girl for 12 months now. she has a 3yo daughter with another man.
And trust has always been an issue for me due to the fact i know she was a slut when i met her.
But i moved her away from where she was living, and the people she used to hang around she no longer does.
I knew she was capable of being a better person so i really wanted to give her a chance.
Even though my friends were against it, and i lost a few in the process.

We have lived together for 7 months, but recently i moved out and got my own place with a friend of mine as i was sick of the house always being such a mess ect.
I used to come home from work at 6pm to a disgustingly dirty and messy house, and the last thing i wanted to do was come home and clean.

we broke up for just over a week when i moved out but since then we have gotten back together.
i found out she had been flirting with 2 other guys while we were broken up, both named josh coincedently.
one of them she was saying she had feelings for him ect..
when i confronted her, she said she didnt know why she said it, and said it was her way of trying to hide her real feelings.
she contacted them and said we r back together and not to msg her again
since then there has been one guy who msgd her out of nowhere saying he has feelings for her, but she denies talking to him very much at all.. but its confused me as to how someone gets feelings for someone out of nowhere....


Anyway, whenever i see her. i always find myself sneaking into her phone and checking msgs ect, or her facebook msgs.
and unless i do check, i dont feel secure at all. and at times.. i feel very sick in the stomach.

I just want to know if any of you have had something similar happen..
and what i should do?

the thing is...
I love her very much..

[bluesummer]

First of all, I'm having a real hard time figuring out what about this girl you love, you should probably clarify. What is it about this woman you love so much?

In your opening paragraph you said she was a slut. Then you tell us she's such a dirty pig you couldn't stand to live in the same house as her. Now she's flirting with other guys.

Sounds like a real catch.

[alovehangoverr]

Uhhh.. I'm going to have to agree with the above-- why are you even with this person?

You didn't agree with the lifestyle she led (I'm not going to call her a slut because I find that disgusting and completely disrespectful to call someone-- especially someone you claim to "love"), you moved her away to try and "change" her, you couldn't stand living with her-- again, due to her lifestyle, and now you're all freaked out/insecure/have trust issues.. again.. because you don't agree with her lifestyle that's making a reappearance.

Idk what else you need to acknowledge to realize that YOU ARE NOT COMPATIBLE WITH THIS PERSON.

You don't agree with what she does, you can't try and change someone, and she's shown you time & time again that she's not going to be the person you want her to be.

You say this relationship and cycle of checking up on her & finding out bad things is making you sick-- so why are you sticking around? Why put yourself through something like that.

I know you went against the grain here & lost some friends over pursuing this relationship.. but.. maybe you should realize they were right & this isn't the right situation for you to be forcing.

[doppelgaenger]

Hi Josh, love is a bullshit feeling of attachment. It usually forces people to act against logic and instinct, allowing their miasma of unhappiness to pool.

This girl is a piece of shit and you know it - you yourself called her a slut. She's a dirty, messy person and you know that in an ideal relationship, you won't be picking up someone else's stinky, shitty mess. Furthermore, you know you can't trust her - you're finding yourself ridiculously and frantically checking her cell phone for messages. You've already stepped outside the box and told yourself that this isn't the kind of relationship you want. What you should do is get over your feelings, move on, and search for a girlfriend who is closer to your ideals - who will make you happy. Forget about this skank.

I had relationships (friendships - with best friends, relationships - lasting for a year or longer, and even family) where I gave the person a second chance, sometimes a third or a fourth and I got burned every time. My persistence has taught me that usually, people don't change, and when you give them a second chance (to break your heart) you'll typically find that they will follow through and disappoint you, every time. If you think your insecurity is the reason for all the problems in the relationships, then you're having a guilt trip. Get over it, man. There are too many fish in the sea, don't play by the slow-paced, baseball, three strikes you're out rules. Waste of time and effort. Only give second chances over trivial matters.

[offa]

Thanks alot guys, I guess i just needed some opinions before i made a big choice.
but you's have helped.

I just know when we did break up.. for some reason i did miss her

[firewired]

I agree with everyone above. Josh, think about this though, did you miss her or did you just miss the feeling of being with someone? I have often confused the two. I felt lonely and I thought I missed the person I was with, but when I thought about it more, it was just the feeling of being with someone that I missed....

[offa]

think your right.
i think i missed the fact of always having someone around.