Need Advice ... How long could he take?

[LynnD]

I had a very long term relationship and broke up with my boyfriend a few months ago. There is this guy at work who I have been good friends with for over 5 years. We've always got along very well and I guess we both flirted but never took it anywhere. I told another friend at work to sort of hint to him that I was interested in more than a friendship and he told her that he was also interested but he felt that because he was so busy at work and because he didn't want to be a transitional guy that he would need to hold back.

So, when he wasn't making any sort of move in another direction, I told him myself that we needed to talk because things have been different between us. After a few weeks, we went out to dinner and talked. At that time, he acted very interested and talked about very personal issues and then in the same breath said he didn't think we should date. He was very concerned about my need for attention at work and that I would be upset with him if he weren't able to give my enough attention there and he couldn't handle the competition. He mentioned nothing about not wanting to move our relationship to another level. I was very disappointed but didn't really say much.

I wrote him a letter and gave it to him the following day. The letter explained that I may have been impatient but it was only because he wasn't reacting to my interest and that I could be patient with him and let a relationship progress in time. He spoke to me after he read the letter and didn't really say one way or other but continued flirting with me and talking very personal with me.

Finally, I thought maybe if we did something outside of work things would progress so I asked to go see a movie and we did. Things went really well and we got a little closer but he held back from letting it get too close. He seemed as though he wanted to kiss me good night but couldn't get the nerve up to do it. He kept talking about everything so I wouldn't get out of the car but I finally figured he's never going to do it so I left.

Days after that we continued talking and flirting a lot. I thought that would have maybe gave him a little push to maybe ask me to do something again but he didn't. He continued to tell me more personal stuff about him and talk more on a personal level (more than we ever did before). He is an extremely cautious person and is not very experienced when it comes to dating or women. He is also very serious about his job.

Just before Thanksgiving, I sent him an email asking if he wanted to do something together over the long weekend and he responded that he was very happy about the offer but had a lot of family gatherings to attend but said we could get together some other time (nothing specific).

Since the I have felt so uncomfortable because I now feel maybe I have been a little too pushy and I am pushing him away. He moves very slowly and doesn't like things to be rushed so I'm sure I've made him a little mad because of my pushing.

My problem is recently I have been initiating all of the contacts and I just think that maybe I need to back off but is this the right thing to do? When we do see each other and talk, he seems to be very interested and is very flirty and open with me but he won't do anything else. Will it be the only way I will tell if he is defiinitely interested? He knows I am unattached now, he knows I am interested and I wouldn't reject him, he knows that I want to go out with him again so should I just back off and wait and see how he reacts?

I really like him and like being around him but how long will it take him to come around and make a move to the next level?

[GCD1]

In my opinion it boils down to the fact that you are coworkers and it just seems like something that might be uncomfortable for him (as it would be for many people, I am sure). Sometimes it's no problem at all but for some people it just interferes too much.

I'm not saying you should quit the job but it just might not work while you two work together.

[Velcrez]

I don't know what kind of job you two have, but where else are you sopposed to meet people? You go to work for 8 hrs a day and work closely with people. Naturaly relationships are going to develop. If you two can still flirt with each other then take that as a good sighn. For most men - as long as they are flirting they are happy. But, maybe you have the kind of job that interpersonal relationships are out of the question, I don't know. If he still flirts with you then he is still interested.

[IceQueen]

If you are asking how long you are supposed to wait for him to make a move, I say -- stop waiting on him altogether. You don't have a relationship, as of now, so you are free to venture on to date other people. Be more casual about it -- if he does make a move -- good, if he doesn't -- whatever, you can always find somebody else.

[LynnD]

Thanks for the advice. I like your attitude and you're probably right. I guess the only reason I even considered waiting for him is because I really do like him and think we would be good as a couple. He just needs to make time for the relationship and I guess if he is willing then it's not too important to him. I thought he was being cautious but I'm beginning to think otherwise.