Dating help! About to lose my mind

[jebmaro]

I`m new to this site and have never sought advice on dating. I never really needed advice until now. I`ll try to keep this as short as possible, but this is still going to probably be a bit long, so sorry. I am 32 years old and a born again christian. I recently met a beautiful young lady of 24 years that is also a strong christian. We have talked quite a bit and went out a few times, but not as much as I would like to have. She and I can`t seem to get together enough due to our busy lives. Although, her`s is a lot busier than mine. She has a 3 year old daughter and a typical loser ex, who`s the father of her daughter and the 2 were never married. She goes to nursing school in the morning till noon, then to work till 5 pm. She then goes home and spends time with her daughter and works on homework all night. That`s her monday through friday schedule. I work 7 am to 3 pm monday through friday and sometimes saturday. She and I both go to seperate churches on sunday. I have been out of the dating scene for about 5 years due to past relationship woes and I am very rusty. I thought I could just pick up right where I left off, but that`s hardly the case. Anyways, she in the beginning said that she wanted to develop a friendship with me and see where it goes from there. That`s fine, that`s a great way to try and start a relationship, but there is one problem with that now. I am absolutely crazy about this girl. My feelings for her grew quickly, which has never happened to me. She and I are both marriage minded, but we don`t want to settle for just anyone. We want to pick that special someone that we feel we can spend the rest of our lives with. I have let my enthusiasm for her show too much and I believe I have pushed her away a bit. We didn`t talk on the phone a whole lot, nor did we go out a whole lot, but now it seems it`s even less. I`ve asked her if she`s still interested in me and she told me she was, but sometimes I get the feeling that I need to let all this go. It`s hard though. You don`t meet too many women like her and I hate to just give up. I`m usually not the type of person that quits, but I know there are times when you just have to throw in the towel. I said something to her that upset her quite a bit recently, but she didn`t quite go away. She let me know I hurt her, but she didn`t know what to do about she and I. Well, we seemed to have gotten through that, but I haven`t seen her since and I haven`t talked to her very much. She and I haven`t really had a chance to sit down and really talk about ourselves, so we don`t know a whole lot about each other and it has created some difficulties. She has always seemed to have her guard up towards me and has been quite cautious towards me. I feel like I`m just a date buddy to her. She won`t let me into her life hardly at all and she won`t let me meet her daughter. I understand that she`s real protective of her daughter and she doesn`t need to be letting all the guys she is dating to meet her daughter. That wouldn`t be good for her daughter. I am not a real aggressive person. I am a very caring, honest and sincere person. I have always been a perfect gentleman to her and have always treated her with high respect. I have never made any sexual advances towards her and I let her know that it was her heart that I wanted in, not her pants. I DO NOT want a relationship with her to become sexual. I just can`t seem to get over the hump with her. I met her on the internet back in june. We talked quite a bit on the computer and she gave me her number after about a month or so, but I didn`t call her. I kinda drug things out with her until early september when she and I finally decided to meet and go out on a date. What on earth do I do about this girl? I`m at a total loss here and I can`t seem to sleep anymore and I just feel heartbroken and lovesick over her. Am I just making too much of this and just let things take there natural course? Her schedule isn`t going to change for the next year and a half and I can`t just be sitting around waiting on this girl to have more time. I have a life too and I need to be with someone. I have grown quite lonely and am tired of seeing couples together when I`m out.

[Mish]

I have a life too and I need to be with someone. I have grown quite lonely and am tired of seeing couples together when I`m out.

I was with you until these last couple of lines. If the reason why you want this girl is because you NEED to be with someone, then I'd say you are beating at a dead hosre. Because you don't want her for the person that she is, but simply because you yourself are feeling lonely and you want to be with somebody. It's quite possible that she saw that in you and maybe that's why her guards are up.

To get this over and done with, just talk to her. Find out where you stand. She'll tell you exactly how she sees things between the two of you and that's what you should use for choosing of either staying or going.

Out of the frying pan and into the fire...

[jebmaro]

If I wanted someone to just date and hang out with, then that would be no problem. I really do like this girl and would like to have something special with her. When we had our little difficulty, I asked her if she was still interested in me and she said yes, but she wants to start as friends to have something to build a relationship on. We never spend time together and when I talked to her on the phone it`s only for a few minutes. We only talk about our day and that`s about it. In order to establish a friendship with someone, then you have to spend time with them and try to get to know them. That is something that`s not happening. I can`t seem to politely get her to see that. She seems to take offense to a lot of things I say to her even when I`m trying to be sincere to her. Her guard has been up from day one. On our third date I held her hand, but I wasn`t feeling anything from her when holding her hand. I finally stole a kiss from her and she kissed me back and then I kissed her several times after that, but they have been closed lip simple kisses. Almost the kind of kisses like when you kiss your family. She has always made a point to hug me though. I am a total loss with this girl. I have never experienced something like this and I can`t read her. I`ve been trying to get in touch with her sister that I met to try and get some insight on her, but I`m almost afraid that doing that could backfire on me. This whole situation has left me flat. I don`t know what to do other than quit.

[ike]

about needing to spend time with the to be a friend, i've got a bunch of friends i spend very little time with, but it's during the time we spend together that we catch up and strengthen our friendships

[jebmaro]

I understand and agree with what your saying ike. I guess what I should be asking is this girl just playing a game with me or should I just back off from her and see if she bites?

[ike]

biting may be a little too hard, but try as best you can and against all the crying s of your heart, to not bother, pester and keep the persistence of 'well do you', from causing her to run a mile.

[jebmaro]

biting may be a little too hard, but try as best you can and against all the crying s of your heart, to not bother, pester and keep the persistence of 'well do you', from causing her to run a mile.

Ike, I don`t mean to be rude or anything, but what you just said might as well been in another language. I don`t understand it at all

[jebmaro]

Something I didn`t mention before, but you may could read it between the lines is that I have given her the upper hand in our confused relationship. How on earth can I turn the table back into my favor and get her to chasing me instead of me her?

[ike]

sorry for the other language etc.

it was meant to mean something you've just mentioned, about her chasing you instead of the other way round.

[Chlorine]

jebmaro----"She seems to take offense to a lot of things I say to her even when I`m trying to be sincere to her. Her guard has been up from day one."

She's probably very sensitive and also cautious. Not much you can do when someone keeps you at arms length. It sounds like that. She may not want to proceed at the same pace that you want to. Maybe give her some time?

[ike]

if her guard's been up since day one and the answer this question is yes, then forgive me.

do you really think the angst you're experiencing is worth it, or hold your horses and don't let it get to you so much.

more easily said than done.

did anybody else not understand my foreign language question?

[soul_on_fire]

I don't think you should give up. She's probably just as confused as you are. Since you don't see each other, or talk that often, how could she not be just as confused?

I know you said "you've told her how you feel" but since there isn't much communication I doubt she thinks your interest is high.

Persue her a little bit harder. Ask her to dinner or coffee, just to chat. Continue building your friendship. Since she has her guard up, and you said something to make her angry, that probably made her put on her armor. You need to regain her trust. Spending time with her and calling her consistently will show her you have good intentions.

I know it's hard when there are so many feelings involved and no one in the situation wants to get hurt. Since she is in your heart you just have to take that risk. Follow your intuition.

[jebmaro]

Ike, I hope you haven`t taken offense to what I said about your reply. I appreciate greatly you taking the time to express your opinion as well as everyone else that has replied. I kinda understood what you were saying, but your sentence didn`t seem to flow well and it made it hard for me to understand what you were trying to say.

I haven`t gotten serious with or even found anyone to have something serious with in 5 years due to failed relationships in the past. I denounced trying to find someone and just went about my daily life and found a hobby to keep my mind occupied. I have dated in these past few years, but never found anyone that I felt worthy of having something serious with. I am very marriage minded and don`t care to date just to date. This young lady comes into my life and sweeps me off of my feet. She is everything I could ever hope to find in someone. I`m not crazy about her having a child, but she`s only human and realizes she made a mistake. She has to live with that mistake everyday now and be constantly reminded of it. She loves her child very much and wants nothing but the best for her and is very protective of her child as well as herself because of her past and her daughter. I respect her for that decision. I think she is making a wise decision for herself and her child. I just wish she could see that I`m not just someone trying to get in her pants. I have honest and sincere intentions with her. I have told her that and made it well known to her. I have sent her large bouquets of flowers to her work and have written several letters to her speaking from my heart. I have made my intentions with her very clear. She is a very unique and special lady that I admire greatly. It`s very hard to have such strong feelings for her like I do and to go at the pace that she seems to be wanting it to go. I feel I would be letting her down by giving up on her. It almost feels like a test and if I hang in there I pass, but geez!, this is the toughest test I have ever taken. I have tried to make a date with her in the past couple of weeks, but her life seems to be getting in the way. In addition, she won`t answer the phone half of the time, nor will she return my calls promptly. I tried to make a date with her this weekend. I talked to her friday evening and she was heading to her father`s to spend the night. I never heard from her saturday nor have I heard from her today, yet. I feel that I shouldn`t call her today. I feel that I made the attempt to get in touch with her and now it`s her turn to return my call. Why is it when your heart gets involved that everything becomes so difficult?

[aloha22]

Maybe you said it, but I couldn't find how long you've known this woman. Maybe she just feels afraid of someone wanting to come riding in on a white stallion and sweep her off her feet just to leave her like her past man. If she wants a friendship, then large bouquets of flowers and heartfelt letters aren't the key. This speaks romance to me, not I want to get to know you as a friend. If she can't make a date, give her another few weeks before you call her again. As you said, she has an incredibly busy life. I'm in school too, and I can't imaine the extra factors of a child and work. No matter how strongly you feel for her, she has made it very apparent that she wants to take things at a snail's pace.

[ike]

jeb... i could have rephrased my other post, you have my apologies. i guess without being in the situation you're in, all any of us are able to do is ponder.

feeling as i do right now, after my breakup a couple of weeks ago, i'm feeling a greater sense of life must all be black or white, all the shades of grey in between seem to have vanished, at least for the moment. i know these shades will return soon, but until then i'm working on at least a grey in the middle.

i've been the white knight before, i've also been the distant 'not that bothered' kinda guy, i suppose it just depends on what's best at the time.

i do hope that one day that very special moment you're waiting for happens and that she can be as happy with you as you are when she's around and in contact with you.