weaning of anti depressants
I am at week 4 of coming of antidepressants, end of week 2 of nothing. And I missed a dr appointment...
I'm not sure how I am doing. The want to be off these things and coping on my own is strong but I can't help but wonder if I'm fooling myself I can cope without them.
I have suffered depression for as long as I can remember. I remember distinctly at the age of 8 thinking how easy it would be to throw myself at an oncoming car.
I'm not unrealistic. I know no one can be happy all the time. Moods naturally fluctuate and full on happiness can be as intense and emotionally draining as the deepest depression or the blinding rage. I just want pleasant contentedness.
With the anti-depressants I am content. My thoughts remain mostly positive, I can chase away the negativity before it leaves enough of an impression for me to revisit it. I am generally stable and am less prone to emotional acrobatics.
Without them I can experience 4 or 5 moods in an hour. My thoughts are scattered yet I am prone to dwell. I'm getting better at recognising when I'm dwelling but I have trouble processing my emotions which leads to more dwelling. I am less decisive and indecision has always been a problem for me. Hence why I can't decide whether or not I can cope without the meds.
Another thing that worries me is that I have possibly brained my damage (to quote homer simpson) in my teens and 20s. I took acid for the first time when I was 15 and loved it. Possibly too much. I consumed a lot of acid over the next 7 years. I spent some time when I was 16 I spent 3 months snorting my brothers dexamphetamine. When I was 17 I tried shrooms for the first time. 18 introduced me to coke and lots of variants of ampethamines. At 19 I met ecstasy. Then it was 2 years without anything new until I smoked ice one day. Never liked it but used it often because it wiped out all other amphetamines locally. All through that time I was a daily pot smoker too. It's strange though, other than the pot I always considered myself a recreational user but it certainly doesn't look like that on paper. I've never actually listed the chronology of my trying certain substances for the first time. I took more amphetamines than anything else in the long run. E and acid would come equal second. Shrooms and coke have been rare occasions.
I would also like to say I like to think I did every thing with harm minimisation being the key. I never gave anything to anyone who didn't want it. I wasn't one of those people that would take 8 pills a night (2 max!). I never bought or took anything unless the 'friend' that was selling it to me had already tried it. I was never sold shit, I never bought from people I didn't know. The only drug other than pot I ever built up a tolerance too was my brothers dexies. :p Compared to some people from back in the day I have come through quite sane.
But I worry. I wondered if the ecstasy has permanently f**ked with my serotonin production. I wonder if the acid has bought me a one way ticket to early onset Alsheimers. To the best of my knowledge, not much research has been done on the long long term effects (mostly because we only just have the first round of acid heads getting old now. How can we research what is yet to occur?)
Wow. I went off topic. I feel better for the vent. Opinions welcome.
oh and before anyone berates me for all my drug use, what's done is done. I don't take anything any more except a drink here and there and a joint for NYE
'People are never perfect but love can be. People waste time looking for the perfect lover rather than creating the perfect love' - Princess Leigh-Cheri from Still Life With Woodpecker.