Doubting myself and my marriage

[Blurry28]

I have been married for 15 years now and it has been tough at times due to being very different ro my partner. She tells me I'm no good as I'm not interesting enough to win friends and says I need to change and read interesting books, and do interesting things so that others will like me and her more. I feel if I be myself people should like me for who I am and not for something I am trying to be. I have changed a lot of things and made a lot of effort to do things she has requested but I don't seem to get anywhere and she regularly puts me down or has a go at me in front of the kids. She tells me I don't think and that i say stupid things and won't let me drive the car anymore. I am really struggling and don't know what to do anymore. It's not like I have nothing going for me. I have a degree and a job and have supported my family. I am starting to feel down and confused and am questioning myself and my marriage. We have tried counselling but she is always right and never wrong. I feel like i can't be myself and just want to be loved for who I am. Any thoughts and help would be appreciated.

[woody]

Dear Blurry,

I'll start with this. I am sorry your going through this type of situation. When the one who is suppose to love us unconditionally seems to have their own set of rules, hence not unconditional at all, it can leave us feeling doubtful of the connection. You have had children with this woman, have been with her for many years. Was she always like this? I wonder.
I'm sorry to say but if therapy isn't effective; if she is unwilling to bend or admit fault in any way it may be time to make some tough decisions.
Often, unless one taketh away from the other, it is difficult for the other to see what life would be like without them in it.
Perhaps if you put space between her and you, she would remember all the qualities she fell in love with all those years ago.
Knowing this would be a tough thing to do due to children and marriage, You are the only one who can make this choice but from what you have said, it sounds like your wife needs a wakeup call.
I'll ask again though. Was she always like this? In any case, I wish you luck finding a way back or a way forward. She seems to care too much of what others think of her and you. A strange mode to be in. Perhaps they are projections of her own insecurities regarding herself and it isn't you she's disappointed in, it is her.

[Wakeup]

Love can be unconditional till the cows come home but relationships ALWAYS have conditions, deal breakers and actions from others that make the concept of "unconditional love" quite moot.

I do agree with the rest of what you are saying though, Woody. Op updated in the other thread and seems the Mrs. is unhappy to the point that she makes Blurry miserable as well. *shrugs*

[basilandthyme]

I'm seeing a few different things here.

The first is respect - or lack there of. Your wife doesn't respect you and is treating you appallingly. The way she speaks to you should be unacceptable in any relationship. Not to mention that she sounds like a ball breaker. That being said, she also sounds quite unhappy in the marriage. She's going about fixing it the wrong way - but I do wonder if you struggle with issues of motivation.

You say that you've done marriage therapy but she's always right and you're always wrong. Did you raise this with the therapist? If so, what did the therapist say? However, if you haven't raised this, it's time to go back to therapy.

Now, this business about you having friends. Do you have friends? If so, then why is she telling you that you have to change? However, if you struggle to have friends, then there probably is cause for you to look at the reasons why.

Thing is, there is no 'should' when it comes to people liking us for who we are. There ARE people around who I choose not to spend time with because of their personality. And I'm sure there are those who don't seek out my company for the same reasons. Those who have loads of friends probably have the social thing down pat.....but those who struggle finding friends (but wish they had friends) actually DO need to look at the reasons people avoid them. This isn't about trying to be something else - it's more about self improvement.

[Blurry28]

Thanks basilandthyme. I think she does want self-improvement as he main point is if I was more interesting then we would get invited to do more things with our friendship group. She constantly says these friends have plenty of other friends and always have something on whereas we don't...? I have quit a sport hobby which she believes was causing a big issue with friends and that was a big thing to do for me. I love music and going to see the occasional live band and exploring reading books/autobiographies in this area. However she says I need more. I like movies and often go on trips to the city and things like that to explore things with her and the family. Nothing seems enough though. My motivation is good, but maybe lacks in the areas she wants...? I suppose I want some respect and to be liked for who I am. I overlook a lot of her faults and differences to me but she always seems to think her values/expectations/standards/opinion is what is the norm and I should fall into line, which I find hard to swallow at times. I have managed to make solid friendships with some of the dads from the friendship group as well. I think she just wants to be doing things with people all the time and struggles when people don;t invite us around, etc. My effort has been very good in this area though so I feel I have made many changes to improve myself, but I still want to enjoy what I am interested in like music, movies etc so long as I compromise and do things with her and the family which I do.

I will talk to my counsellor further but I am feeling like I'm not loved or truly respected tbh. It's a very tough position to be in.

- - - Updated - - -

Thanks for your input and comments Wakeup. Much appreciated and helpful!

- - - Updated - - -

Woody thanks for your reply!
I think things have been tough from the beginning. Maybe she thought she could change me...? not sure , but initially we were head over heels but probably naive and there were some warning signs before we got married and she even called of the wedding for a while so she was obviously doubting. We probably shouldn't have married but that is the past and we have 2 great kids to show for it! At the end of the day we are very different and not compatible imo. Tough decisions will have to be made so I have lots to think about...thanks again

- - - Updated - - -

Another issue is our sex life surprise surprise...

Our libidos have never been a match from day one. She rarely feels the need for sex, and I'm quite the opposite. I have done my best to be respectful about this and with all the other issues it has only complicated things. However, she tells me women/couples don't have sex that often and I'm kidding myself to think otherwise. Anyway it's a side topic but it also hurts and has been an issue for a long time as well.

I'm interested as to what other females think about this...?

[Wakeup]

Well, if your wife has lost the emotional connection to you (which it seems she has) then she's not going to want to have sex with you.

I'll also mention (in case you aren't aware) lots of women (most?) don't get horny with the first brisk wind like most (many?) men can. We need to be stimulated mentally, emotionally and then physically before we get more then an urge that can quickly dissipate if the stimulation isn't there. I think because you wife obviously has no real life outside of motherhood, she isn't mentally stimulated and she very seldom is made to feel that she is a viable, sexy woman that most men would be glad to have.

Along with you, she should be getting her own personal therapy and then when you both have a couple of sessions in you to the point that she can figure out what the fk is wrong with herself, then the two of you might try couples therapy to help you regain said emotional connection.

I thank goodness that my hubby was intuitive enough (knew the mind of a female adequately) to realize that he needed to get back to basics when he felt I wasn't matching his libido and he would take me away for a weekend without the kids and put the focus back on us and our life partnership and physical attraction to one another. I think you two need more then a weekend away together ... at this point I believe the two of you would just find it embarrassing and/or too much work to even bother with. ???? You need baby steps on how to re-court one another as if you were just meeting and really liking what you both saw in the other.

[woody]

Yup, happy woman=happy man and happy man=happy woman. Quite the balance really.
I'm agreeing with WakeUp on the whole, Wife may benefit from her own therapy to get over or find a root as to why she feels the need for social validation

and as mentioned above as far as libido goes; a woman needs to feel desirable. When a woman is freshly 'sexed' up, properly and thoroughly 'proper' ___ed (made love to), well, life gets a whole lot better. Don't mean to be blunt but I was, so I guess I did. My point. SEX IS SO IMPORTANT. SoOOoooo.
I'm just saying. and yeah, the weekend get away might not be enough. May need to work on that. Might take a few just to get back to yourselves.
Tell your wife external validation can be a real nightmare to fill. Flippin exhausting really.

You got good word from both W.U and B&T

good luck to you and yours man
woody