Is it ok to be left partially because you are a 32 year old virgin? Vaginismus?

[monstera]

I am devastated. My 5 month old boyfriend left me three weeks ago. He is separated, has a kid and works with a girl with whom he had an affair while still married. The girl left him for another guy and he has to see her (and him sometimes) everyday! He is very tense and depressed (recently started taking antidepressants) and this has affected his initial huge enthusiasm and interest and the relationship in general. I think it has impossible for him to open himself truly to other people because he is still attached (even if it is in bad way) to this girl. We talked about her all the time! And he got upset with me for that! ??? He even told me about their sexual life in all detail! I think he had huge expectations for me, without even knowing me well! And he told me that it would be unreasonable for him to want someone to change his life upside down. I think he saw his expectations we unreal, I did not give him what he thought and lost interests. Since he left his wife ( a year and 3 months ago), he has been in three relationships and cheated the last one too! I think he is hiding from his problems...his very good friend told me he thinks he needs to be alone for a very long time. And even when we were dating his friend told him he should not be in a relationship. He was great initially but became unbearable later and had an effect on me. I think he respects me a lot. He sees I am not nuts as most of the girls he has dated. And I have more class and dignity and wont threaten him or hurt myself like others have done. But...he left me. And I am a virgin... It would be long to talk about why I reached this point. I have been in relationships since I was 22. I just had a veeeery long long-distance relationship and several short ones...long story. We had sex every single night we spent together but never full penetration. We tried and it hurt a lot. I told him I would go to the doctor. I went and he came with me. He was very nice and patient about it in the beginning and told me not to say sorry about it all the time. Then I forgot about the doctor and I thought it was just a matter f trying and getting used to each other. I created a lot of opportunities and really tried and there was a point that i saw i could not. We enjoyed sex a lot though. I could tel...He also freaked me about because he said he felt something wrong and I started to feel very nervous and that did not help. however the last week or so he started getting more impatient and I told him I would go to the doctor. I called and got an appointment. Then he said he needed a break. I gave him space and I went to the doctor myself. They told me everything was fine, but I am kind of narrow and that is why it hurts. I was so happy and relieved. then he left me...I felt so bad in so many ways..but I think the sex factor was very important and felt terrible about it. I felt like a pseudowoman... I asked him if that was importnat. He told me it was not the main thing but it was important. I told him i went to the doctor and he was surprised and asked me how it went. I told him and he was surprised. he told me we could have talked about that instead of silly arguments. I told him I did not because he had just told me he needed a break and I had no idea he was going to break up and I needed to "inform him before he decides" * * * ! He then told me he was upset that I did not go to the doctor earlier like I said. I told him i thought it would not be necessary. he told me he feels like it was not so important for me and he felt rejected. I told him how could I reject him if I was doing what i was doing! And he said he felt like that and that maybe i went late because i knew this was going to happen...
I know I am very unique for being a 32 year old virgin ( hey, maybe i could make a movie), but I think a guy who loves you and understands why you reached this point ( it makes a lot of sense) would be more patient. You dont change these things so fast. People find different things difficult and you have to give them time...I dont know. I feel terrible. what do you think????
PS: Today I went to the doctor. It turns out, I have vaginismus...it makes intercourse painful but it can be treated and it can take a few months...I cant stop asking myself how he would have reacted if he knew. Would he have been patient enough? It hurts so much when you want to give something, you can't, and your partner thinks you dont care enough and he feels rejected...this is hard...I love him and I want him back

[VincenzoG91]

That wall of text hurts my eyes.

[Yet another guy]

From what you are saying, he didn't leave you because you are a virgin. Err, isn't it weird to call yourself a virgin even after having sex with him, though admittedly without "full" penetration.
He was clearly frustrated of the problems in bed, didn't know if it could ever be fixed and as he said was upset that you didn't see the doctor even though you said you would. That made him feel rejected and that's why he broke up.

It's a bit weird though that he didn't pressure you more to see the doctor earlier. Maybe there is something more like that he isn't yet over the other girl... If there isn't anything like that involved, you could still have a chance to change his mind. You should probably tell him that you are sorry for not visiting the doctor earlier, tell him that you didn't mean to make him feel rejected and that you do want him passionately and then do something nice for him that he likes. You know, the usual "I'm sorry" - routine. Also, tell him that your condition is treatable if he didn't know that already.

Also, one thing I've learned from these forums is that if someone wants to take a brake, they are definitely considering to break up. The only difference between taking a break and braking up is that in the former case they are unsure about it or just afraid to say it.

[vashti]

It's pretty outrageous to expect a grown man to tolerate this problem for longer than 5 months, in my opinion, and the fact that you dragged your feet about getting treatment is rather surprising. Of course, perhaps it SHOULDN'T be surprising, knowing that there is a psychological component to this disorder. Why haven't you sought some sort of treatment before now? It makes me suspect that despite what you SAY, you are ultimately okay with not having penetrative sex, and I am sure this occurred to him, too. This is a matter of too little, too late.

I think you should forget about this relationship, get some medical help, and try to find someone else.