Hi Guys,
I need to know what to do or not do and it's a little complicated.
I have been in a year long friendship with a man who I have certainly developed feelings for. I am 44 and he is 50. He travels a lot for work so our friendship has basically developed through email. He invited me for a afternoon on his boat back in August. We had a great time and talked a great deal (we talked about everything and what struck me the most was that he admitted to being a mess since his divorce 4 years earlier and that he wasn't a good catch) - when we returned it was getting late so I went home and no good night kisses were exchanged (which was fine, it was still a great time with a nice friend and besides he already told me he was a mess).
Shortly after that he went out of town again and we continued our email friendship. We would email at least once a day and sometimes up to 15 times a day if we hit a good subject. Anyway, he would come into town and go out of town quite a bit - although here is where he owns his home. About 2 months after the boat ride he was away and I could tell by his tone not in a very good way. He seemed depressed and agitated and lonely. He asked if I would gather his mail and send it to him...when I sent his mail I also included a little care package, cookies, candy, gum, mints, sunscreen, antibacterial wipes (he was in a hurricane zone) to cheer him up and remind him he was cared about. I didn't include a note or anything just kept it casual. He adored the care package!
When he returned home he called me and asked me to come over and have a steak with him. He cooked and said it was in appreciation for the nice things I do for him. At that point, we became better friends, talked periodically on the phone and had dinners at his place, cooked by him every so often. We had great conversations and really enjoyed each other. There was absolutely no kissing (just a hug when I left for home) - just two people sharing and getting to know each other. I continued to send him his mail and little treats whenever he was away from home and we continued to email just about everyday. We also text messaged and spoke on the phone every now and then. The nights of the debates and the election we texted back and forth the entire time. (I voted obama he voted mccain but it didn't matter we had a great time) For Christmas I bought him a candle, a book and a paper weight with his initials. I spent about $35. Now, I must say I am falling for him but I don't want to scare him off because I value the friendship so i didn't go overboard. He did though, he bought me a $50 gift card to the clothing store I shop at and some sandals, the sandals were $76 (the reason I know is because i had to exchange them for a different size). He also sent a fruit basket to my place of work for me and my coworkers to enjoy. We continued the email, the care packages, the steak dinners, the texting, the phone calls.
In January he asked me to help him write a letter for his job, we worked on it together through email as he was away on business. In Feb he invited me for a dinner out - a place we went on the boat that I had liked. That night after dinner we had drinks and then went to listen to a band and drank some more. We ended up spending the night together and the next day I was covered in hickies! Now mind you I love him so it didn't bother me one bit. I left in the a.m. and noticed that he had laid a towel in the driver side of my car because we had left the sunroof open during the night (he doesn't sleep well, has some depression issues or something like that so he had gotten up to get a lighter out of my car in the middle of the night). We had a great time but we did not make love because he could not get an erection and he wouldn't let me touch him there. As I said, I love him, so just being with him was thrilling for me and I loved every minute of it. When I left he asked when I was coming back. I returned later and he wanted me to get back in bed and lay down with him. I couldn't I had a cleaning job to go to and a raging headache. He was leaving for Lauderdale the next day anyway so we kissed goodbye.
The emails and phone calls got flirty after that and we seemed to be more like gf and bf now. I called him once every other day when I got off work and if he didn't answer he called me back right away. We still emailed good mornings to each other. I didn't get pushy about what was going on with us because I just thought it was evolving and didn't need any questions asked. He was using sexy little sweet nicknames now and talking about a do over when he returned home. In a joking phone call while flirting and making suggestions about the do over the date of my next period came up. A week later he told me that he was probably going to be home the weekend of the 28th - the weekend my period starts. I laughed it off saying I just wanted to his face anyway but that he had a little mean streak (kiddingly). I collected his mail to send to him and his cable bill was there and not sealed. I looked at it and the weekend that he told me his trip home would be the 28th he had rented porn. I'm not a prude I just found it interesting. I never told him I saw the mail. Everything was fine for these three weeks.
The week before he was expected home he seemed agitated and was complaining about clients and slow business and no money coming in and such and then he backed way off....he hardly emailed unless responding and by the end of week was not answering my calls at all. On the 27th I went by his house to check on it thinking he would arrive the next day. He was there! I called him and his phone was off so I left a message that I was there and happy to see him home but that I wasn't going to knock because he may be sleeping (it's a 10 hour drive for him).
The next day he never called and around 5:30 pm I couldn't take it anymore so I went to his house and knocked on the door. He didn't answer. I called and he didn't answer. I called and knocked once more and left a message that I was confused and was he mad at me or something. I left and called once more. This time he texted me saying "I just want to be alone please" I said I will do that for you but I need to know if you are mad at me about something? he replied "not mad just worn out, please understand" I said I'm trying, I was just excited to see your face. That was the last I heard from him all weekend.
I didn't contact him again until Monday morning and I just sent an email saying good morning in the subject and nothing in the body just in case he wasn't opening email. Several hours later he came to get his mail at his box inside where I work and when I asked "how are you" concerned yet happy to see him - he said without looking at me, "I started dating an exgf in lauderdale, that's what I was wanting to talk to you about". I said oh, and felt my face turn red....he then asked if he had more mail and I went and got his mail handed it to him and then he just turned and left. Needless to say I am crushed - not only did I lose a man I deep inside love but I also lost my best friend. Why would he cut the friendship too? We only had one night of intimacy and we couldn't even make love, we could have returned to friends very easily. Why did he say he was wanting to talk to me...he was ignoring me? I'm not even convinced there is an exgf because if the part about wanting to talk to me was a lie why should I believe any of it? Would a man throw away a great friendship just because he got cold feet about having to have a do over? Would a man throw it all away because he was too afraid that he wouldn't be able to perform?
Guys, I need your help here. I haven't heard anything from him at all, and I haven't contacted him because at this point I am humilated. Could he have just decided that I wasn't that important to him? Would he have thrown out a budding new relationship for an old one that didn't work? Is saying that there's an exgf meant to prove he can have intercourse just not with me? I never made him feel uncomfortable about it, believe me I was thrilled to just be there. He once told me that "sometimes you meet people in life that you just can't live without and you're one of them".... I'm very confused. Should I just never ever try to contact him again? Tell me what you all make of this?
Suzy