Is it really that hard?

[heartsTRUTH]

Hewo everybody, a lil new to this forum, but I'm really going thru a relationship crisis I think. I really need an opinion on what to think to help me make a decision. Here's my story:

We have been together for, coming up on, 3 yrs December 11th, '08. I was 16 and he was 18 when we met. i was visiting my sister in Utah and he was visiting his dad for the holidays. we hung out for about 2-3 months straight. we were never official but we knew we had something. holidays ended and it was time for us both to go back home. it was hard but we did it. we emailed and called almost everyday for 8 months straight. it was only after we were separated that we realized we wanted to be together and so for those 8 months, we grew close. we learned everything we could about each other...i graduated right before i turned 17 and moved up to Idaho (where we currently live now) to be with him.

We were happy for the first two years or so and just recently, in the last year, i feel like things have changed between us. you see...? he got a job w/ a core drilling company called MAJOR drilling right before we met; he worked during the summer and made BUCU bucks and then paid his own way thru college during the school year. which that seemed to be fine, it was hard because it required him to be away for weeks and sometimes longer at a time. but it always only lasted thru the summer and then he was home every night w/ me. Last year he went thru some personal changes. He needed to find himself and was unsure of what he wanted w/ life and he lost his drive to go to school anymore. he didn't know what he wanted to do, therefore, he didn't think spending money on college was such a good idea. so he finished out the fall semester of '07 and hasn't been back since.

On our one year anniversary, he gave me a gorgeous "journey" white gold diamond ring. Then in march he started up drilling full time in march and just recently got layed off for the winter (thank GOD...i think?). during the time he's been working there have been so many fights about romance...and desire....and marriage...and what i want and what he wants. I wanted to marry this man at our 2 yr anniversary...he says he wants to marry me, but he can't ask me now b/c it was the way he was raised...not to marry young. he also said to me the other night that when he thinks of marriage, he thinks of kids immediately. i don't agree w/ him on that. i think marriage is your official commitment of two ppl ready to build there life together. yes that may include kids...but ONE day...not right away. he's obviously scarred to take that step. My bigger issue it in the bedroom he doesn't seem to be very passionate w/ me.

Now keep in mind, during our 3 yrs together, he has NEVER been the one to initiate sexual things, he does not know romance and no matter how many times i BLUNTLY tell him exactly what I'm looking for, he won't give it to me. a ride up to the mountains late at night to look at the stars....he tells me, it's too cold, i really don't feel like driving, he'll ask in a whinny manner, "do you REALLY wanna do that?"...so of course if he doesn't feel like doing something like that for me or w/ me, then i'm not going to force it on him. I've told him also, i would like to come home to maybe a candle light dinner...something so simple and cliche like that would make my night. OH! not to mention, valentines day, i know, once again, it's cliche, but he did NOTHING this last year. he left town for his job on February 13th! the day before!!! and not even a card was mailed to me and he never made it up to me.

I love this man to death, I really truly do, but all the little things have started to add up. just for icing on the cake, recently I for the first time had some financial issues and went negative in my back acct from a few autopay things i forgot about. i freaked out about it and still had almost a week till i got paid, he's sitting pretty on 10k in his bank acct, w/ NO debt but his acura RS-X car. the situation about ruined my day and as my boyfriend he didn't offer to help me pay off the debt. He said to me that he was working w/ his drilling company away from home...for US. If i were sitting pretty w/ 10k, I'd offer to GIVE him money and pay off most of if not all of his debt...but NO, not him. he did NOTHING! oh well....i just put it on the back burner and said nothing, who am I to ask him to do something like that, even tho i would have done it for him?! anyways...the real kicker to the story is that I'm now involved w/ someone else who has shown me what a man can be like w/ romance in a relationship. our first "date" i guess you can say, he took me on a night ride on his motorcycle in the middle of the night up to the mountains to look at the stars...barely knew the guy and I'd NEVER mentioned I wanted to do anything like that. he didn't even know i was having problems w/ my boyfriend at the time. nothing happened, we just went for a ride and that was all it took for me to realize that my boyfriend will NEVER be able to do something like that for me. He doesn't have it in him i don't think. This other guy makes it seem so...second nation. someone i barely know and my boyfriend of 3 yrs now, still hasn't gotten it. we've been on a limb now for about a year for the same reason; he's not making me happy because he's not willing to put the effort in to be romantic w/ me.

I need help! I moved up here FOR him. I've been w/ HIM. we have a 3 bdrm house we are renting and a dorky 11 month old puppy named layla together. aside from all the memories and good times we have, he's just not doing it for me anymore. he's not a bad guy and he tries so very hard to make me happy, but he just can't do it, it seems anyways. If we break up, he moves out, I would have NOTHING cuz he's bought it all w/ his job so there's never been a need for me to buy anything. no couch, no tv, no bed, no dishes...nothing, i don't know what he would leave me either. the house is in my name so i would need to find roommates obviously to help w/ rent...but I'm scarred to not be w/ him. he's my best friend and the thought pains me to think we could be separated after all this time. what do i do?!?! please help! any advice at all? i really need it....

p.s. if you read the whole thread, thank you for listening and taking the time to at least hear my voice.

[ecojeanne]

Oh god! you need to tell him all this! you NEED to sit him down and really talk. he doesn't know that he's not making you happy. he needs to have his say and maybe you can both come to a compromise. its funny sometimes the perspective can change once you hear what’s going on in the other persons head. i'm not going to give you advice to leave him, coz really that would be unfair to him and the relationship has been going for 3 years and he has provided for you. he needs his chance to know and to speak.

[Mish]

what do i do?!?! please help! any advice at all? i really need it....

I think first you need to find out what you really want. You're 19 and he's 21? I think you're too young to marry. All romanticism aside, you two need to be better established in the world to make a commtiment as deep as marriage seem more realistic (perhaps this is why he is reluctant to propose at this stage).

As for the icing on the cake, well it's a bummer that he doesn't go an extra mile for you. Sounds like the relationship is becoming a bit stale (which is not too unusual for a relationship going over the 3 year mark). It may have been very exciting for you when this other guy took you to see the stars and you don't even know each other, but bear in mind it's very unusual he would still be doing that after 3 year mark. Plus other flaws and imperfections will most likely appear.

Your financial situation is worrying. Why are in debt at such a young age? And why did you not contribute to any furniture expenses in the house? Maybe he didn't offer to pay your debt because he wanted to teach you a lesson to become more financially minded (Not justifying him, just looking for what his reasons might have been).


In short, you need to make up your mind on what it is you want and make a decision on where to go from here.

[Junket]

I'm going to tell you right now, nobody is responsible for your finances but you. Nobody is obligated under and circumstances to bail you out if you get careless.

Thank you for contributing to our country wide financial crisis.

I'm sitting "pretty" on my own savings and my g/f would never see a penny of that money as a result of monetary carelessness.

[Vain]

He has absolutely no obligation to help you with your debt, and if he chooses not to, you cannot hold that against him. That would be wrong on a couple levels. You are both to young for marriage. It seems like you have so much to say here and you seem to be unable to discuss these issues with him. If he doesn't know what you would expect of him, don't be surprised to see the opposite. If you guys cannot communicate now then the marriage wouldn't work out.

[Gribble]

Be very, very glad your boyfriend is smart enough not to marry you. What a dumb mistake that would be. You two are way too young. Why can't people learn from those who came before them? Is humanity destined to make the same goddamn mistakes again and again and again?

[Cbrider]

Hey! Someone from my neck of the woods. I live in Boise and attend BSU.

Listen to Ecojeanne, what she said could bring your sinking ship back a float. He needs a chance to know exactly what is going through your head.

For the love of god, I ride a race bike around the roads in this state a LOT, WEAR A HELMET!!!!!!!!!!!! I lost a good friend to a motorcycle in a very brutal accident that was probably non lethal had he wore a helmet. Sometimes I question why I keep climbing back into the saddle, it's going to kill me one day.

[heartsTRUTH]

thanks for all the feedback guys...however i think some may have fed off of ONE thing i said WAY too much. I never wanted and still don't want him to pay off my debt or in any means just GIVE me money....but he never offered....and also if most of you could maybe keep in mind, I'm not another retard who thinks everyone owes her something. I've worked hard and honest every since i was 14. I was emancipated at 15 and have been financially stable and paid for everything i own w/o the help of HIM or anyone else. I have a house in my name, a car w/ my own credit and i even have an 11 month old puppy i put my OWN money into for food, vet check ups etc...if he would have offered, i wouldn't have taken it, but the idea that he didn't offer is upsetting. Not to mention, everyday since then i hear something else he is thinking of added to his "RSX"! well, he's now added new headlights, a cold air intake, and just today remote start....all adding up to about $1000. please don't get me wrong, I'm glad he enjoys spending money on his car...my god! as hard as he worked w/ his company, 12 hr days 7 days a week...he deserves something like that, but naturally as his long time g/f i would think he would want to spend a little of his hard earned money on the one who does everything else for him...i feel a little under appreciated sometimes and it hurts a little i guess...

Also what i am hearing a lot of is that i need to communicate these feelings w/ him...well...I HAVE! lol that's the problem...for over a year my only two requests have been for him to be home instead of being away all the time and to try and be more thoughtful and romantic....that's why my title was "is it really that hard?" He makes these things seem like more of a tasks than something he wants to do for me...initiation doesn't seem to be in his character...in the past i've asked him on several occasions if my expectations were too much to ask for...and repeatedly he has said no. he also tells me he always thinks of things to do or say, but just doesn't because he gets distracted or it's just too complicated or it would take too much effort. hes told me at least twice now that he would make more efforts and try to act on his thoughts..i always forgive him and always love him but 6 months down the road and nothings changed after what he said, what am i supposed to think? or do for that matter? please no more harsh comments? i know i'm not perfect...thanks in advance

[UKboy]

I'll be straightforward with this one.
First thing first-He doesn't want to get married yet despite you assuring kids is not an immediate equation

What does this says?He isn't all that commited to you.Yes he might say he love you in words but it's the actions that count.Words are cheap.I would get married to the girl I love because it's the greatest display of official commited.Marriage isn't about kids,it's about commitement,a public declaration.Somewhere,he's still waiting to see if additional time can buy him a luck pot.He's thinking if there's another girl around the corner.
Next,I'm not surprise he wouldn't help pay off the 10k sitting in his bank.Why?Refer to the above.There isn't any intention on his part to commit to you in the real sense of the word.yes,he might be in this r/s with you but it doesn't mean he love you.It could be in this r/s due to the familiarity and memories sake.If I'm going to marry that girl,it's in time that whatever I have will be shared with her.Obviously this guy doesn't feel that you're the one he wants to spend his life with.

Of course you are responsible for your own financial means but if this is a r/s that is working towards marriage,then all the 'personal rights and non obligation' thingy would go out of the window.It's all about giving in the name of love.
Much as it tells alot about your financial situation,it also tells alot about his view towards this whole r/s-Dead

[Mish]

I would get married to the girl I love because it's the greatest display of official commited.Marriage isn't about kids,it's about commitement,a public declaration.Somewhere,he's still waiting to see if additional time can buy him a luck pot.He's thinking if there's another girl around the corner.
Next,I'm not surprise he wouldn't help pay off the 10k sitting in his bank.Why?Refer to the above.There isn't any intention on his part to commit to you in the real sense of the word.

There's some kind of a strange assumption out there that commitment can only be seen through the lens of marriage and no other way. That assumption is utterly flawed. Commitment begins long before marriage and if it didn't there wouldn't be such a thing as marriage in the first place. It's posible (shock horror) to be deeply commited and not married at the same time.

The fact that you two are not married doesn't mean the two of you are not commited to each other heartsTRUTH. There are many reasons why you are not married as well as many reasons why you shouldn't get married at your age. I'm not going to go into them right now.


Now, it sounds like your relationship has problems. It sounds like you feel unappreciated. Perhaps your feelings are justified and perhaps your partner is not doing enough and is contributing to problems. Why is that the case? That's the question to which you should seek the answer to if you want to stay in this relationship. Are his reasons justifable or not justifiable? The only way you can find out is by talking to him, filtering out problems that go deeper than the superficial and then finding interdependant ways of fixing them.

Based on your response and the fact that the above poster is the only one thanked by you I assume that you posted your queries with a certain frame of mind. It's as if you already made up your mind and just looking for confirmation of your conclusions. If that's the case and you alread have a conclusion then do what you have to do. If it's not and you actually want variety of advices (whether it be in agreement or in disagreement with you) then don't be so quick to make up your mind. Explore the posibilities.

[heartsTRUTH]

QUOTE:
[Marriage isn't about kids,it's about commitment,a public declaration.Somewhere,he's still waiting to see if additional time can buy him a luck pot.He's thinking if there's another girl around the corner.]

I completely agree w/ your views on marriage and too many times i've thought the same thing about his commitment and thinking he is waiting for someone better "for him" to come along but when the we talk about breaking it off and maybe we might be happier w/ someone else...the tears that fall down BOTH our faces and the emotions that cause me to lose my speech and do nothing but hold him say otherwise...i asked him the other night when we were talking about breaking up again what he felt we DID have and it tore everything bit of my defense down when he said to me, "the memories and pictures of how happy we CAN be and how loving and sweet we are together when we AREN'T fighting"...but when he doesn't show as much interest and desire in me as he does his car....it all comes back to actions speak louder than words...but his actions sometimes conflict...spends more of his money on his car but loves laying in bed at night just holding me and we love waking up to each other in the morning. no doubt in my mind and heart his love is honest and true but i really don't think he realizes how to be thoughtful of a woman's emotional needs...he has good intentions but do thoughts really count even if they're never acted upon?

[Mish]

he has good intentions but do thoughts really count even if they're never acted upon?

heartsTRUTH if you want my honest opinion, I think you should leave him. You are not ready to face up to challenges that you will need to face if you are to stay. You already see yourself as a victim and in your mind you already have a solution, which is why you don't have what it takes to solve the problems in your relationship so the only option for you is to leave.


P.S. to UKboy. Wanting to marry to "strengthen" the commitment proves only one thing. The person is not ready for marriage.

[heartsTRUTH]

to you...Mishanya...in some way i appreciate your honesty, but you sound more like your judging me than helping me...i obviously haven't made up my mind or i wouldn't be asking for help thru this thread... i feel a little emotionally drained at this point b/c i feel that i've put a lot more of my heart into my relationship than i've gotten back. i know i'm young but who ever said that youth is weak...i know i have what it takes to solve the problems in my relationship...i'm just confused on whether or not it's worth my efforts if he's not going to change HIS efforts...i could go on in this relationship like nothings wrong, like his lacking efforts don't bother me, but i'm obviously not going to do that...so it's quick of you to judge me as the "victim"...i'm just asking for help, i'm not asking for sympathy or validation that i'm right and he's wrong...please if you will don't call me a "victim" again...its rude in my opinion to call someone that...especially when they are asking for your help...

[UKboy]

There's some kind of a strange assumption out there that commitment can only be seen through the lens of marriage and no other way. That assumption is utterly flawed. Commitment begins long before marriage and if it didn't there wouldn't be such a thing as marriage in the first place. It's posible (shock horror) to be deeply commited and not married at the same time.

The fact that you two are not married doesn't mean the two of you are not commited to each other heartsTRUTH. There are many reasons why you are not married as well as many reasons why you shouldn't get married at your age. I'm not going to go into them right now.


Now, it sounds like your relationship has problems. It sounds like you feel unappreciated. Perhaps your feelings are justified and perhaps your partner is not doing enough and is contributing to problems. Why is that the case? That's the question to which you should seek the answer to if you want to stay in this relationship. Are his reasons justifable or not justifiable? The only way you can find out is by talking to him, filtering out problems that go deeper than the superficial and then finding interdependant ways of fixing them.

Based on your response and the fact that the above poster is the only one thanked by you I assume that you posted your queries with a certain frame of mind. It's as if you already made up your mind and just looking for confirmation of your conclusions. If that's the case and you alread have a conclusion then do what you have to do. If it's not and you actually want variety of advices (whether it be in agreement or in disagreement with you) then don't be so quick to make up your mind. Explore the posibilities.

No,don't get me wrong.
I believe strongly that the moment you court or date a person,it should be work towards marriage and what more than to build it on the foundation of commitment.
I was in the midst of lesson and so perhaps didn't made myself clear.
I wanted to say that,marriage is an offical declaration.It's a publically announcement made that signify the proudness and joy to have that lady as a Gift from God.
Let's be real frank,ladies needs assurance from time to time.No,I'm not saying feeding those needy dysfunctional ones,but rather,assuring her that she is still cherished.
A marriage isn't a piece of paper.It's a promise made public.

[Mish]

to you...Mishanya...in some way i appreciate your honesty, but you sound more like your judging me than helping me...

I'm not judging you, I'm telling you how it is. How I see it. I may have been a little harsh because I felt like you were ignoring what was being said to you and being selective with responses. The issues in your relationship will take a lot more out of you to resolve and if you're already stumbling then you probably won't be able to carry on through and you should quit before things get worse.

i obviously haven't made up my mind or i wouldn't be asking for help thru this thread... i feel a little emotionally drained at this point b/c i feel that i've put a lot more of my heart into my relationship than i've gotten back. i know i'm young but who ever said that youth is weak...i know i have what it takes to solve the problems in my relationship...i'm just confused on whether or not it's worth my efforts if he's not going to change HIS efforts...

Well this is where you need to decide right now. Is it worth your effort? If you already made up your mind then you don't need any more advice, more advice from us will be falling on deaf ears just leave him. If you believe it's worth your effort then get rid of your doubt and undecisiveness. This is clearly one of those issues where you can't seat on the fence. It's either you are going towards him and dedicate all of your effort to solving these issues or you go away from him and dedicate all of your effort to achieving those ends. Your relationship at this point has a chance of getting better and it has a chance of getting worse, and a lot of which way it's going to go will be based on decisions that you make.

So if you don't consider yourself a victim don't be so quick to blame him. Look for answers and ways to solve problems not excuses and don't ignore people who genuinely try to help you. Even if advice may seem insensitive at first, people do post it to give some feedback from their own personal experience. They post it to help.