Need a guy's perspective. Why is my husband nicer to me now that he doesn't have me?

[valdee23]

After I found out about my husband's affair last year, it continued on for another two months (until I "found out" the second time). Communication continued for at least another month but by this time, my husband had asked for a divorce, came home three weeks later because he didn't want a divorce and wanted to make it work. That lasted about two weeks. He just came home too soon. After he left (by this time its nearly mid-Jan 2010) amidst tears that he loved me, I was really a wreck. We would communicate via text and email about financial stuff (I was living in our home, he with his parents) and he was always so nice..."I hope you are doing well", "Therapy is going really well for me - I never thought I could talk so much!", "Stay safe..." (if I was driving in the snow or something for example). It unnerved and irritated me that he was always so nice? I figure it was the guilt talking.

In February, we saw eachother unexpectedly (he stopped by the house to help dig me out after a HUGE snowstorm) and we had a really nice day together. He began to call and text more often, and a few days later I discovered the true nature of his affair. It was not the emotional affair he claimed it was, but both emotional and physical. I disappeared for a little while and he was frantic about not being able to reach me. Upon my return I confronted him and he'd been calling and texting more because he realized how much he loved me and hoped we could begin working things out. He was very intense about things for about a week and cooled off real fast again.

This "reconciliation" lasted about 6 weeks until I couldn't take it anymore. Last fall, I put ALL of myself into trying to save the marriage while he carried on the affair. I told him the other day that this was just not working and that really caught his attention. I ended things and said that I was moving forward with the divorce. We both cried because we still love eachother but I know I have made the right decision for myself even though it is HARD! What makes it even harder is that again, he is nicer and more thoughtful and attentive to me now that he really doesn't have me. I pointed this out to him the other day and he said, "I know - I can't figure out what's wrong with me".

[Envy]

If I only read the title, for an answer, would be: He's lonely, in need and wants someone.

From reading your words it's there's alot more of a story behind it!

For me it would depend on afew things. How long you've been married, what sort of marriage did you have etc. Maybe he's just a total dick and will always be (by going back and too between his loyal wife and girlfriend more than once?) If it was just a one time thing, maybe it was a mistake. If he's in therapy, does this mean he has/had some sort of mental unnerve and disruption?

People can do silly things, and humans learn by simple silly things called mistakes. He seems like an alright guy from the nice parts, but is it two sided and he'll always want to play while the cat is away?

Only you as his wife can decide ultimately.

[valdee23]

My husband and I dated off and (mostly) on for 7 years before we got married - we met in college. The woman with whom he had the affair was an old acquaintance from college who called him up out of the blue (looked him up on the internet, knew he was married) because she was going through a divorce because her husband cheated on her. Of course, my husband likes helping people and I'm totally not excusing his actions but he fell for the damsel-in-distress act hook, line, and sinker. Even after he fell for her and all, she was still very much the persuer in the relationship.

Our marriage was good beforehand, but not perfect. Each of us had needs the other was not meeting. He would try to express his needs to me and I would not listen, and I would try to express my needs to him and he would not listen. Things began to get really bad when he got involved in the affair because things became tense between us, we fought a lot, and I didn't even know why this was happening. He was withdrawing from me. Typical affair psychology stuff.

He's in therapy because he grew up in a strong Christian household, good family, good person, and has surprised himself that he is capable of doing this. He says he's been learning a lot about himself which is good for him, but he has been lackluster in our relationship since. I think both times he's tried to come back, he's been pushing himself too soon which has caused him to flounder and go back on his word. Its not that he has continued the affair (that I know of) beyond what went on last fall, but something's just not right with him and he is confused about himself and can't figure out why he is acting the way he is. I guess that's another reason why he's in therapy. And now that I have decided to leave him, the shoe is on the other foot.

[Gigabitch]

He's one of those fools who enjoys the chase more than having what he's after. If he got you back, he'd settle back in to taking you for granted and feeling unfulfilled.

[MM894]

He's one of those fools who enjoys the chase more than having what he's after. If he got you back, he'd settle back in to taking you for granted and feeling unfulfilled.

Agreed with this.

The fact that you can sit here and stress that his behavior is kind of predictable leads me towards that thought as well. If a guy has an affair, there's usually some reason behind it, and the fact that he's come back so hard after you, then cooled down after he's gotten you back is pretty dead-set evidence in my mind. He might be able to change (therapy is a good step, assuming he's legitimately involved in it and not just there for your benefit), but it's not something that's going to happen overnight, or over a couple month even. It's a tough decision to have to make on your part, especially because you still love him, and somewhere in there, there probably is the potential for change (he's clearly a decent guy if he's not just bitter about the whole thing). That change just is not imminent.

[cmacattack1]

I hate to break it down so simply, but I don't think he has learned anything from his mistake and it's pretty obvious that he hasn't had enough time to miss you because as soon as he gets you back he turns the other way again. When you are apart, he wants you, when you are finally back with him, he is cool again. He is only going to learn when he loses you for good. He is keeping you around as an option until somebody else comes along. How much agony are you going to put yourself through? You know better and you know what needs to be done, don't let his current behavior fool you otherwise.

[Kaius]

Men like this are dangerous. They are selfish, destructive, needy and delusional. They want the comfort of a marriage, AND they want excitement of outside poontang. Don't buy into the nice front. I think you would respect him more if he broke off with you, and took the other woman. At least that means he is a one-woman man, and he would not deceive the person he loves. Right now he's being the worst a man could possibly be. I really hate men who act like this.... so wussy IMHO. They should MAN UP and CHOOSE!!!

[lilly1185]

It's a manipulation tactic. Stick to your guns and only contact when necessary. Like, finances, kids, ect. Even better if it can be done through a lawyer.

Get away, and stay away. Herpes, gonorrhea, syphilis and such are EXTREMELY contagious.