Getting over that "Mopey, Bad Mood Feeling"

[JJfromphilly]

When i get upset w my girl, i get real quiet, distant, and cant stop obsessing over whats upsetting me. I can feel the bad mood throughout my whole body.

Does anybody know how to get over this type of thing? i try and smile but every now then the anger just comes out and i take a cheap shot.

Anybody else get consumed with their bad moods?

[RightSaidNed]

Honestly? I know exactly what you mean...

I suppose one way to get rid of it is to talk to her about what's eating at ya, and then let it go once the talking's done. But I dunno, as I've said, my relationship history is hardly worth shouting about, so see what the other folk think.

[VincenzoG91]

Obsessing over what bothers you? In anger management class, they taught me that was also called "negative self-talk." That's where you mentally reinforce a negative thought by repeating it, over and over.

For example, let's say my boss yelled at me. (My current boss would never do that, but the previous one did.) That's unpleasant, but negative self-talk can make it worse. I can start brooding, and thinking to myself "he can't talk to me that way" and "I'm going to tell him to take this job and shove it." Instead of just briefly letting those thoughts flicker through my mind, I can obsess over them, keeping my anger simmering steadily, thinking to myself all day long, "he can't talk to me that way." Then the next time I have to talk to him, it's a dangerous situation. At the very least, he may notice that I'm tense and irritable. At worst, I might blurt out something regrettable, like "you can't talk to me that way" and then lose my job. Right now would be an especially bad time to lose my job.

So one way to beat the negative self-talk is to flip the script and do positive self-talk. Try hard to think of a positive spin to the situation, and then repeat those positive thoughts like a mantra. Think to yourself, "she's a good person" or "this isn't a big deal" or "I feel fine."

That said, you should also deal directly with the problem at hand if you can. And if this is about the situation you've mentioned in other threads, you can.

[RightSaidNed]

Interesting - can it be applied to the Boss situation you mentioned? And I definitely know the negative talk thought pattern you outlined as how I think on bad days.

[VincenzoG91]

Yes, it definitely works with the boss situation, too.

I've been at my current job for over five years now, always reporting directly to the CEO. I couldn't have survived the first CEO if I hadn't used techniques from the anger management class, especially positive self-talk. She was going through a nasty divorce that dragged on for nearly two years, so sometimes she just lashed out at people at work, especially me. My positive self-talk was focused on phrases like "she's just angry about the divorce" and "I can't afford to lose this job." In mid-2008, the board of directors forced her out after two bad quarters.

The second CEO promised that he would never yell at me, but after his wife got diagnosed with cancer, he got really touchy and then finally flipped out at me. I stayed cool and survived, even though he told me to get out of his sight and leave. I showed up for work as usual the next day and he didn't. A few days later, he apologized. After one year as CEO, he got recruited away for a better job that only lasted four months.

The third CEO and I get along great. We're the same age and the exact same Myers-Briggs personality type. And he never yells about anything.

[Incognito]

Thinking specifically about dealing with bad moods and relationships, I do the following (when it is a conflict that doesn't involve my wife). I express my anger. I talk about it. I find a way to relieve my anger. I try to forget about it. For example, I have a horrible day at work. I express my anger TO my wife ABOUT how bad my day was. That way I'm not snapping at her, it gives her the opportinity to know what is bothering me, and she can possibly sympathize with me or try to comfort me. Talking about it gets it in the open, and allows you to vent ABOUT the situation instead of snapping AT someone. As far as relief I work out daily. It is the best stress reliever ever, because you can focus your frustration and anger into your workout. After the workout you know you've accomplished something, and feel good. The forgetting part is self explanatory. It is unhealthy to obsess over negative thoughts because it just perpetuates your bad mood.

[VincenzoG91]

Oh yeah, workouts are definitely a good way to cope. Even my anger management class recommended regular exercise as an anger management technique, though they said that aerobic exercise was probably more suitable than heavy lifting for defusing aggression. Personally, I find an exhausting workout to be good even if it's just lifting, because then I'm too physically tired to stay angry.