The ‘crazy ex wife’ dilemma

[Teekymitchell]

Hi all.
i have joined as I am struggling to deal with a few things and would love advice/stories on your own situations etc.
basically, my new partner and I both come from ex marriages with 2 children each. I have been single longer and am very amicable with my ex. He has been separated sonce February, and she left, and got a new boyfriend immediately. That was fine, he was glad to be free of her and although she kept being a little painful, it certainly escalated once I came along. She did the typical withholding the children, constant messages saying that he should give her more child support instead of spending all his money wining and dining me (which he doesn’t). She also has accused us and our kids ( ages 3-10) that we sat in a circle around a photo of her and all pointed and laughed. She rules the roost when it comes to the days etc that she has the kids. He has them during the week and most of the whole weekend, every weekend. She flat out refuses to let him have one Friday night free a month. And then accuses him of putting me first for trying to get that one Friday month etc. the list goes on, she just doesn’t stop Day in, day out. All nasty, toxic stuff.
He has started to ignore her since I have come along. But I want him to tell her that enough is enough. He will not respond to her calls or messages and that she is to leave him alone unless a child emergency. He just thinks to ignore her and it will stop eventually. He is scared to say anything as she is unpredictable.
To me, it makes me wonder if he is addicted to the drama she brings to not at least say, I won’t be responding to any calls, texts unless child emergency and to please leave me alone. It concerns me.
It is causing so many issues, and fights. I admit, I am obsessed with it, because I know if I behaved this way my ex would have shut that crazy stuff down immediately. If my ex behaved that way I would tell him to no longer contact me and only email me or use a communication book as contact for kid related concerns.

Am am I being unreasonable??

[smackie09]

No he's not addicted to drama, he's damn scared to make it worse by shutting her down.

If you want this to end you can do one of two things, You can tell him to not share with you what is going on with her. IMO it shouldn't really be any of your business to know about their troubles unless she starts to call you or stalk you or call your job and cause trouble. It sounds like it's just between them. How he handles it, is how he handles it. Your second option is to stop seeing him, and remove yourself from it.

Me personally would never date someone that has that kind of baggage. It's not the kind of environment I would want my kids involved in, and oh boy yes, his kids will be extending the drama over to your kids some time or another during play dates.

[Hooo!]

It's his problem
Let him handle it his way

I don't even get what your problem with said woman actually is?

[TheEvilJester]

I would agree with the others. It is awesome that your divorce went so smoothly. I, myself, actually was that lucky as well. Thing is, divorces CAN be messy. CAN be complicated. Unfortunately for him, it sounds like he is stuck with an ex who DOES make things very difficult. So, I very much agree he could just be trying not to give her the chance to make things even worse.

Are they divorced already, or still going through divorce? Either way, how long have they been split up? I definitely DO agree with you that he needs to deal with it at some point. Heck, for his own sake just as much as for his love life. He should not just allow that kind of behavior to continue. But, I also agree it is not really your place to tell him how to handle his ex. She'll most likely HAVE to be at least some part of his life for a long time since they have children together.

....The thing is, that also doesn't mean you HAVE to just put up with it. So, you are absolutely NOT wrong if it becomes too much for you and you have to move on. I just would not personally suggest giving him an ultimatum or something like that. Because, again, he's an adult who is allowed to handle his situation however he wants. Even if that means NOT handling and thereby allowing his life to continue to be miserable... he's allowed to make that decision. You just aren't required to let yourself be dragged down as well.

Hopefully he eventually tells her to knock it off, though. Hopefully she eventually exercises some common sense and courtesy. Hopefully it never has to get that far.... but I more so hope you care enough about yourself to get out of a toxic situation if you seem to have no other choice. Best of luck to you either way.