I have been having some problems with my fiance, who I have been living with for 2 years. Most of the time he is a really amazing boyfriend, although he can be a bit selfish and we usually end up doing things he wants to do, and he does joke around about being the man and me not being able to do anything about it when he is mean and play wrestling with me or slapping me on the butt, he is very against men hitting women, sees men and women as equal and doesnt like typical gender stereotypes. However, once in awhile he explodes and it really scares me.
He used to just loose his temper and throw a tantrum, throw things, punch walls and call me cruel names. Then he made an effort to do some anger management exercises and it got a lot better. Then last week, he poured pepsi on my head while I was sitting in the bed and then hit me in the back of the head, yelled at me to clean it up and came towards me with his fists balled when I didnt do it right away. I was changing my wet clothes before cleaning the bed, and when I was naked, he tried to throw me out of the house because I hadnt cleaned up the mess. I cleaned up and he apologized and promised to get help.
Then last night, we went to a party (something we never do, because while he likes hanging out with his friends, he doesnt like to socialize much and really hates when I do) and it was a lot of fun, then today he began calling me a slut because a guy at the party (who I told I had a boyfriend to and talked about him the whole time to) was talking to me. We were driving when he exploded and he smacked me, when I started crying he yelled at me more (which he always does) and kept threatening to leave me by the side of the road. Again, he apologized afterwards. When I told him that he really scared me it visibly upset him.
The thing is, I dont think he is abusive because it is not something that he does only with me, he has gotten into a lot of fights in his past and he gets aggressive and confrontational even when it is not in his best interest (it is not a calculated or manipulative thing, it is like he blanks out and is no longer himself). The reason I think he may be abusive is because even when he is not exploding, he does things that he knows I dont like (such as the playful kicking and hitting) and always wants to do things his way and do what he wants and when I complain or say anything he asks me what Im going to do about it. Its like he believes that because I am not physically stronger than him, there is no need to do anything he doesnt want to do on my behalf.
All that being said, he has shown me in the past to be a truly wonderful boyfriend. He has travelled out of the country with me to see my family, when I get in trouble or sick he is there by my side no matter what. When we got pregnant a few months ago, he told me that whatever I wanted to do he would stay by my side and support me. And when we both made a decision not to keep the baby, because there were already health issues noticed, he supported me each step of the way, ran to the store to get what I needed for cramps etc. and sat with me and held my hand throughout the procedure.
I dont understand how he can be so supportive and so selfish and abusive at the same time. I do love him with all my heart and really cannot imagine my life without him. But I am beginning to feel at the end of my rope. And if he ever does punch me in anger or something like that, there is no way I will be able to stay... I dont want it to come to that and am not sure at this point what to do. If I heard this from a friend or even a stranger in the past I would have just said to leave, unfortunately it seems it really isnt that simple. I dont know at this point if my life truly would be better without him. I was always a very self-reliant and happy-to-be-free single girl, a lot of guys tried to begin relationships with me and I never wanted any part of it because I never knew love was real and it just seemed like a hindrance so young (I was 22 when I met my current boyfriend) but now, I cannot imagine my life without him, I hate even being apart from him for short periods of time, I dont know if I could live the rest of my life without him, it just makes me feel totally naked to be without him. But things cant go on this way. Why does he act like he does? Is there anything I can do?