In defense of myself

[RedAngl19]

An entry was made yesterday that I feel I need to respond to. I was pretty much made to look like the bad guy in the failure of a relationship. I was dragged through the mud, made to look like I was a demanding and selfish person. I am nothing of the sort, and though I accept having played a part in the break of our relationship, I am not the sole, or even major cause of its combustion.

I am refering to the wonderful entry by "The Billy". This is Faby and I am here to tell my side of the story. Then everyone else can see who they agree with.

Everything up to the line "OK, back to the story" is accurate. After that, he starts embelishing. Here's how it goes. Yes, I knew he was a computer nerd with no life outside of it, but i made it very clear before we even moved in together that he would have to moderate his time on the computer or else I wouldn't move in with him. I was told by many that his past relationships were destroyed by his negligence, always paying more attention to his pc than his girl. I made it very clear I did not want to ever go to bed alone. He promised I wouldn't. And to this guy, promises mean everything. So I agreed. He never once moderated his time. As soon as he walked in the door, he went straight to his computer and didn't get off until it was time for him to go to bed. And yes, I went to bed alone. I talked to him about this. I mentioned, in a calm way, that I was unhappy with the situation for reasons I will explain in a bit. He said, again, he would moderate his time. He has yet to do it. I even agreed to a time schedule (having to schedule time to spend with your boyfriend isn't very encouraging, btw). He would be on it from 6-9, like he said. He never came to bed before 11. Now I understand that he used to spend 6+ hours on his computer before me (which is sad considering he has a son he should be paying attention to instead), but he no longer lives with his daddy. He now lives with his family, and has responsibilities he needs to tend to. It's not all about him any more.
As for his project... it's just that, a project, a hobby, not his whole life. He needs to get his priorities straight.

Oh and btw, the whole thing about barely touching his computer to spend time with me is total bull. The only reason why he would ever not touch it was if we were going to walk right back out the door. Oh and sure he would watch Nascar with me on Sundays... from his computer desk. He would occassionally turn his head and say something, and then go right back to typing. I'm sorry, but that doesn't count.

Ah, yes, the infamous LA weekend. We had just moved in together recently. We are tight on money as it is, and he decides he's going to take $600 to LA and spend $250 more to skydive again. For a family on a budget, this was not feasible. I tried to make him understand this. His "figurations" always took out of the money we had for food and bills, instead of his cigarettes and cokes. He refused to see it so I gave up trying. Then we got lucky. We had a month of free rent so i said go ahead and go to LA. I talked him into only taking $300, which I think is still a good amount. So he comes back with $600 thankfully. Now eventhough I'm the type of person who believes that just because you have the money does not mean you should spend it, I let him waste the money that he got for his b-day. He gave me $100 for bills (not my children's daycare, I pay that every week alone) and the rest he blew. The thing about the laptop... he paid $100 on it, but now we have an extra bill of $50 a week that we did not need and will only strain our budget even more. He doesn't think of the finances at all. I am left to work everyhting out myself. An then he wonders why I get stressed out.

He makes it sound like he maintains me, when in reality, I make more than him. I pay the major part of everything. So HE didn't pay to fix the car when it broke down... we did. I have never once said anything about the fact that the majority of all the bills is paid by me. I'm not that type of person, but i wil defend myself when I am made to look like a moocher.

The main reason why I am always stressed and unhappy is this. Aside from the financial situation, I went from being a mother of 3, to a mother of 5 (not including his daughter who doesn't live with us). I am talking my 2 boys, my girl, his boy, and him. I do everyhting around the house wit no help whatsoever. I don't have the luxury of coming home and sitting on my ass all night doing something I "love to do". I have kids to feed and a home to clean. I take good care of all of them, but I am lucky if I get 30 minutes to rest before it's time for bed. I have to take care of his kid as well, because he's always to busy on his computer. In the mornings, I am always rushed to get all the kids ready and myself, all the while, trying to get him out of bed. He will not get out of bed until 10 minutes before we have to go, and that's if I'm lucky. I have to do everything while he does nothing. His life is overly cushy. Everything is taken care of for him, including his kid, and he doesn't have to lift a finger. And when I voice my opinion, he has the audacity to say "Well what the hell do you do around here?" Tell me I am in the wrong after that.

Yesterday was my breaking point. I dismissed all his other fits stupidly, even the first time he pushed me (which unlike he said, I would have fallen in the bathtub if I hadn't caught myself). I even ignored the bruises he left on my arm from where he grabbed me and the bruise on my ass from when he shoved me into a door and doorknob. But I snapped yesterday, I will admit it. I was tired of him breaking things in my home, so I was going to destroy something of his (eye for an eye, that's me). Then came the shove across the room. More than 3 steps btw. I've had it. The new bruises I have now will be the last ones he ever gives me.

I am not going to break my lease (the apt is under my name) so we will live together as roommates (even though I will pay the majority of the bills still). But we are no longer a couple.

Now tell me, am I wrong in my decision? I don't think I am.

[Kiechi]

Well... we still need to hear Billy's side. However, if this is true, then I think your 100% right to do what you've done. There is no reason at all that you should get "abused" as I put it, no reason at all, regardless how bad he thinks you have done.

I was tired of him breaking things in my home, so I was going to destroy something of his (eye for an eye, that's me).

Oh... I'm just the same. Fight fire with fire I say.

[RedAngl19]

Well... we still need to hear Billy's side. However, if this is true, then I think your 100% right to do what you've done. There is no reason at all that you should get "abused" as I put it, no reason at all, regardless how bad he thinks you have done.



Oh... I'm just the same. Fight fire with fire I say.

If you go to the Dumping talk archives, you will find his entry. It's starts of with "The Billy has returned" or some crap like that. He just entered it yesterday, so you should easily find it.

Let me know what you think afterwords please.

[Kiechi]

I can where your comming from with the computer thing, because recently I admit I have been on my PC FAR too much. I'm getting this bullshit about getting kicked out by rents and shit like that. However, being taken away by your PC, and I admit because It's happened to me, its very ****ing frustrating. Have you thought maybe with a computer he's a better person? I know I am. I use LF and talk to people here from LF to vent my anger. Without this I'll prob end up smashing someones face in for giving me the wrong look, like many people here know I get hot headed pretty quick.

Another thing I agree with you is the moderating time spent on the PC. Thats FAR too much time to spend on a PC. But I can also see where he's comming from. When you go onto the PC you always manage to find something to do... however, having owning his own server and IRC channel and such you do need to be there quite frequently. However you need to balance it out. With responsiblities such as his kid and your kids in fact, you can't afford to waste time on a PC fiddling about with your online life.

Another thing is the money. Now I'm one for saving. If you have 300 dollars (150 something GBP) you should most definitly save it for future bills and such. However, in this situation he came back with double amount... but I don't think it was wise to spend more money on his computer, which is OBVIOUSLY the major strain on your relationship, basically in my eyes, by doing that is just feeding the problem.

...and the car repair. I 100% whole heartdly (real word?) agree with Billy on this. Also in my opinion CLEARLY shows how he feels towards you. From where I'm standing he just ensuring and making sure you don't have any accidents on the road and whatever.

The "abuse" thing. Well pushing a woman 4 steps back and into the wall is MORE than an excuse to break it off. There is no way in this damn hell that someone should undergo such an ordeal. But what worries me the both is the kids. Yes... the kids. Do you think this an suitable enviorment for raising the kids? I as hell sure don't. I suggest Billy should go see someone about anger management. I'm the same, I'll let it build up and when I reach the limit, I'll snap. I admit, it's not a very healthy thing to do either. Hell! look at this situation for example.

To finish it off, I think both of you should sort out of these problems. Billy, it's either Faby or the comp. It clear she obviously doesn't want you on the PC as much as you are, from what she is saying your not doing anything to help the situation. So if you truly want her, then lose the comp. If not, I honestly do not see the point continuing the relationship.

1. It's just going to be a vicious cycle.
2. One day Billy prob snap again and end up doing something worse.
3. It's not a very healthy enviorment for the kids.

However, on grounds of the shoving thing I don't think he should be taken back, but I believe everyone deserves a second chance. If you ask me it's all down to you Billy boy (Assuming Faby willing to start over)...

(Posted in Both threads)

Hope that helped. The worlds greatest mod, Kiechi .