Finding it so difficult to end the relationship!

[sparkles]

Hi Everyone.



This is my first post on here and I am really after some 'honest' advice.
I have been with my bf for the past 2 years and am now very close to ending the relationship. I will try to keep the post as short as possible as I don't want to rant on.
There is a 13 years age gap between me and my partner (he is 27 and I am 40) and when we first got together we were intially only after a fun type of relationship - nothing really serious as we both had just come out of serious relationships. To be honest, I first got with my bf just to really get over my ex (I was with my ex for 5 years and we have a child together and it ended quite badly). So basically, I was just out for fun and I was really flattered that someone so young would have an interest in me. Anyway the age difference didn't seem to matter as I am constantly been told I could easily pass for 30 (I guess I'm lucky - a combination of my mother's genes and I take care of myself, exercise, healthy living etc) also combined with the fact that my bf 'seemed' very very mature for he's age and looked at least 5 years older so I thought it was a good balance.

Anyway, for the first few weeks we had fun(great sex, laughter etc etc) but very soon after things became very serious - infact he said he was 'falling in love with me' only after 4 weeks - I must admit, it took me a little longer to admit my love to him as I was scared of getting hurt.
Ok, a year on and the relationship was getting stronger and stronger and the love was growing (still great sex etc etc) but I started to notice that my 'very mature' bf started to act immature and his personality started to irritate me.

I found out that he lied to me at the beginning of the relationship just in order to get with me, then silly little things started to irritate me - he's behaviour - I found to be very immature....for instance, I have always known my bf likes women with curves, big boobs and butts - but me, I am the total opposite of this...... anyway, I started having doubts about whether I was even he's type or even if I was good enough for him!

Then, I noticed he would make subtle suggestions to me on how I should style my hair and what clothes I should wear etc etc. To be honest, I took this as an insult as I take pride in myself and try to look as good as I possible can....after all 'no-one is perfect'! I just feel that my bf is not very accepting of 'who I am'. He's great in many other ways but his immature ways are getting me down. He always says that 'I shouldn't take things to heart' but I can't help it, as I am a very sensitive person and find him very insensitive at times. I used to be fun loving and very confident, now I have lost my confidence and just feel 'down' all the time.

I'm starting to think he does this to irritate me because whenever we go out I get lots of attention from men and he hates that fact!

Could he be a little jealous?

We are definately drifting apart - we still love each other but I feel there is no future in the relationship, so why go on?

I must also add, we don't even live together (only see each other at the weekends) and surely one day he will want children, as for me, I do not want anymore kids as I have a son already and I made this clear to him at the beginning of the relationship! Also I'm beginning to want a more stable relationship whereas he's just happy to plod along.

Also, for the last 6 months, we have broken up 3-4 times and I have initiated all of the break - ups........somehow though, I still love him and just can't seem to end it for good - although I know I should!


Why should it be so hard for me to end the relationship?

[lahnnabell]

I would think that by now you'd be over the whole "mini-break-up" scenario. Even a 27-year old should be beyond that BS. You are not happy, and that should be a clear indicator that this relationship is going south and fast. I'm pretty sure that you know what needs to happen.

[sparkles]

Thanks for your advice - I suppose deep down I know I have to end it but it's still so hard when you love someone.

[starbuck]

Look at it this way, the longer you spend in a relationship that you feel isn't working for you, the more time you're wasting. Sounds to me could find a better match, especially age-wise.

You're unhappy in the relationship. If you know deep down you should end it, then end it. It's better for him in the long run to break it off now and let him find someone new so he's not wasting his time as well.

Good luck!

[Gigabitch]

You should think long and hard about what you really want a relationship to be. It would be much easier to break up with him if you were looking forward to something better, even if it's only what you hope for. You say he'll certainly want kids someday, but what do you have to look forward to?

If you have an ideal in mind, this breakup will seem like more of a transition than an ending.

[sparkles]

The problem is, that I still love my bf and we have spent 2 years together and he still is a major part of my life.

To be honest, I know deep down there is not much future for us but its just not easy ending a relationship if you still love that person.

[Gigabitch]

I know. I've done it before. It really hurts. Then again, it hurts to remain in a relationship that is going nowhere, too.

[sparkles]

I guess I will just have to be brave and just end the relationship.

[sparkles]

Ok, so i've just ended the relationship (today in fact) - but I feel so sad and the truth is, I already miss him so much.

My BF begged me to give him another chance but I just couldn't - too many things have been said and done in the past which I can't forget about plus I gave him chance after chance to no avail!

But why o why is it so hard getting over a break-up??

Should I give him another chance?

Oh, I'm so confused at the moment.

[lahnnabell]

Why would you give him another chance when the pattern is clear? Either you need to suck it up and deal with the behavior that irritates you (his commanding how you dress, do your hair, etc) or you need to find someone who accepts you as you are. Sounds like you don't enjoy having someone dictate your actions, so I think you should spend some time alone, eventually do some casual dating and work on your own self-esteem.

I know you think that maybe he'll change if you finally give him one last chance, but that's what you've been saying over the last several months. He's given you no indication that improving your relationship is a priority for him. I'm sorry, I know it hurts, but it's time for you to take care of yourself 'cause this guy can't help you with that.

[Jas_mine]

Most people think they have a type but this is not set in stone, I mean I have been distracted from my 'type', doesn't mean I found the guy any less attractive, makes him more unique if anything. Also, I feel he is just merely suggesting a different look, not dictating you change yourself or improve yourself - I am a girly girl, forever about the dresses and heels but I have dated many guys who sometimes wished I would just take it down a notch and be casual occasionally, doesn't mean a thing at all, I am forever giving my opinions on the way they look, it's just my input, they don't have to take my opinions on board, and it doesn't mean I don't fancy them any less.

[sparkles]

lahnnabell- It is as simple as you say 'maybe I should just suck up his behaviour' and just learn to accept it. Like I said before, he is a good man apart from being immature sometimes. Maybe this is the price I pay for being with someone a lot younger than myself.


Jas_mine - Thanks, it means alot to me what you have said and I actually agree with you that sometimes we do distract from 'our' types. I can be a bit of a 'tomboy' and he always insists that i should wear heels more often ....maybe I should just try to come to some type of comprise with him and dress a bit more girly.

[Carol]

I agree that ending a relationship is so very difficult! I was with a controlling guy for over two years! I had bad feelings about things for a long time and wanted out but just couldn't hurt him! I finally got up the courage to do it and it was so terribly hard but I stayed strong and shortly after the break up I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me and I couldn't believe how I could put up with such bad treatment for so long! The difference here is that I really didn't love him and the reason it was so hard was because I cared for him and felt so bad to hurt him! If you still truly love him you should give it another chance I think! I think that if both parties are willing to compromise a bit things could work and you could be happy! A question that a relationship person told me to ask myself is- "What would it be like to be dating me" basically saying to evaluate yourself because you are the only one that you can really change- if you evaluate your self you can maybe see where he is coming from and understand your problems more!

I know everyone is different but most all of the guys I have dated love the fact that I am a girly girl! I guess it makes them feel like more of a manly man! The whole prince and princes type of setting is not very modern but lets face it- most guys really like to feel wanted and needed! And I love the way people treat me when I dress nice- a simple dress and heals and it is amazing the kind of treatment you can get! Everyone opening doors for you and trying to help with everything that you may need!

I have to think that most guys have a certain amount of jealousy but at the same time most guys like to have the girl that every other guy wants! The thing here is that it is important for the guy to feel safe in the relationship and that even though all of the other guys may be looking at you the only guy you are looking at is him! I really think that a healthy amount of jealousy is ok though- keeps them doing those special things that keep us coming back to them!

obviously you don't want to be in a controlling relationship and you really have to be the one to make that call! Was in a controlling relationship for a long time and it was horrible! I think it is cool when my fiance takes interest in what I wear and love to wear what he likes because he is the one that I am dressing for anyways! Nothing is better than seeing the look on his face when I wear one of his favorite dresses- or do my hair how he likes it! It is really not about him controlling me because he doesn't do that at all- but I ask for his opinion and he gives it and when I do what makes him happy he gets even more happy!

Have you ever been clothes shopping with your man? If your guy is really into what you wear I think this is sooo fun to do! A lot of guys couldn't be bothered with such things but there are some guys who like their women to dress sexy and nothing turns them on more than having the chance to see their girl in some things that they pick out. Just the other day my guy said he wanted to buy me a new bra and panties- I thought that was the coolest and was so fun. He had never done anything like that before and the way he blushed when going into some of those places was priceless- wish I had a camera!! He got a bit more comfortable and we ended up having a great time together- and I found out what things he really likes! He is so excepting of things sometimes I have trouble finding out what he really likes!

I like to keep the thought that it is not what he can do for me but what I can do for him. I get so much pleasure is seeing him happy over some little thing that I did for him- and doing that little thing for him seems to make him want to do anything and everything just to make me happy! When I stopped nagging at him for what he wasn't doing, started focusing on the good points, and tried everything to focus on what I could do to make him happy our relationship completely turned around and the relationship that was having trouble turned into everything that I had ever wanted!

Now if someone could help me with the mother in law things would be perfect :s

Good luck to you :-)

[cmacattack1]

Listen to yourself. You want to change and conform to him when he is not making you happy just to have him there because you cannot handle being alone. People don't magically change overnight and if it took breaking up with him for him to realize that he was treating you wrong, he wasn't mature enough for the relationship in the first place. He's begging because HE doesn't want to lose you because of what you were providing for him. It's purely in his own self interest. Getting back together NOW will most likely not solve anything. It'll be fine for a while but when the comfort level is achieved it's back to normal. But you are going to do what you want to and maybe he has really changed. The more times you guys break up the more hurt and the uglier it's going to get though.

[sparkles]

carol* You have a point - guys do like to see their women look sexy and I must admit the occasional times I have dressed up, my bf has been so happy - he says he likes 'showing me off' when i'm all dressed up! Anyway, he does remind me that I have also commented in the past about he's hair & clothing a few times but admittedly not as much as him. I guess there are worst things to worry about in a relationship - it's not as if he has ever cheated on me so I suppose he must be quite happy with me.


cmacattack1* To be honest, I will always keep my individuality (i'm not totally conforming) but I think my bf (although not very sensitive) just wants me to dress a little more sexy at times - and i think it's a small price to pay. I just think he should be a little more sensitive in how he addresses situations that's all. And another point is that I have to gain back my confidence and re-evaluate myself which was a fair point made from 'carol'. Maybe if I get my confidence back, I wont feel so irritated my my bf comments.