a request for advice regarding two men in my life/not sure what to do next

[reeners]

So I'm in a little bit of a situation and not sure what to do. To get the best advice I'll try to supply you with as much background info as I can, with names changed, of course. I'll try not to give you my life story though. ;P I know that this is ridiculously long, but I feel like if I only post the most recent events that occurred then I won't get as personal a response as I would like, because every situation is different and has a history. For those willing to read and give me their time, I am very very grateful and will return the favor if you ask for my advice. =)

You can call me Rina, or Reeners. I'm 20.5 years old, going into my 3rd year of art school. At the present moment, I am on a study abroad trip in Europe, though I'm originally from the states. I'm a pretty quiet person and don't have too many friends, just a few close bonds. Since I'm quiet and shy it's hard for me to open up to new people, but people who get to know me well have told me that I'm a sweet, funny girl.

I'm currently in a long distance relationship with a guy who I've been dating for about a year and a half. Let's call him Kurt. We met online on a dating site and were friends at first, but then developed feelings for each other from talking on the phone with each other everyday. I don't wanna give locations but we live about 2,000 miles apart. Before Kurt and I decided to be serious, he used to be the kind of guy that was afraid of commitment and didn't really wanna settle down yet. After falling in love with me though, he said that he wants nothing more than to be with me for the rest of him life. (I just want to clarify here that since I met him online we have visited each other quite a few times, so I'm sure he's not some random creeper, and he is who he says he is).

Enter the other guy. His nickname will be Frank. We met shortly after I arrived at college since we both had the same circle of friends. We both lived in the dorm and hung out a lot. Me and Kurt were starting to become serious around the time that I met Frank. At first me and Frank were just acquaintances, since I have trouble opening up, but after hanging out a lot one-on-one in our mutual friend's dorm room, we eventually began to learn more about each other. We both started to like each other, but even though he expressed his feelings to me, I told him that I was already in love with Kurt and didn't want to hurt Kurt.

And now I will explain the series of events leading up to me deciding to write this thread:

So around February 2009, a couple months after my first in-person meeting with Kurt, I began to realize how he was quite controlling. He had to talk to me at least once everyday, and got really jealous whenever I spent time with my friends (who are mostly guys, and includes Frank). Eventually I got really fed up with his behavior and decided to break up with him, which I talked over with Frank who gave me advice. That night when I talked to Kurt, I told him I wanted to break up with him because I was unhappy with the way he was acting. He got really upset and was crying and promised that he would change and do whatever would make me happy. Since I'm such a sensitive person and didn't want to hurt him, I decided that I'd give him another chance.

My memory of what happens in between this and the next event are kinda fuzzy, but I'll try to string it together. Around Valentine's day I cuddled with Frank once. I forgot why but I remember it was nice to be close to someone, since it had been a while since I'd had that kind of warmth. Sometime after that, I never told Kurt about it, but Kurt eventually began to complain again about how I was always hanging out with my friends, and by this time he knew who Frank was because he met him when he visited and I talked about him a few times. Kurt knew that I had hung out one-on-one with just Frank before, and was afraid that I would cheat on him. So eventually, Kurt decided to ban me from hanging out with Frank because of this fear. I know I should have broken up with him at the time because of him controlling behavior but I was very malleable back then and decided to let him choose what I should do, even though he promised to change.

I avoided hanging out with Frank for the rest of the semester because I was afraid that I was hurting Kurt every time I was even in the same room as Frank. By the time summer vacation rolled around, we weren't really talking at all.

Sometime over the summer I was bored and decided to try googling one of Kurt's screen names to see what would pop up. I found that his youtube user name was also registered to a weird face-sitting fetish site. I didn't tell Kurt I found it, because I had no proof that it was him for sure at the time. I just laughed it off and decided to forget about it.

Towards the end of the summer when Kurt was visiting we got into some stupid fight and decided that we would be in an open relationship at that point. We made it so our facebook statuses said we were single though, so we had the option to date other people if we wanted to. I have a feeling he wanted to do this only because he was still scared of commitment and wanted to date other girls when school started. But he said he still loved me and promised that no matter what, we would get back together when it was November.

Since my status was single on Facebook, Frank sent me an email just asking how I was and what's up. I didn't tell him anything about what happened because I didn't want him to know this weird open relationship situation I was in. School started up again and I started hanging out with Frank again. Kurt found a couple of girls he was interested in, but plans fell through when he set up a date with one, and the other one told him that she wasn't interested in him before he even tried to pursue her.

Right before it was November, Frank sent me a strange text message because I guess I was sending him signals that I was interested in him as more than a friend. The text message was exactly this: "I know youre interested in me but i cant date you im sry. I'll be happy to snuggle w you but i cant get involved in a relationship im sry." Then a few minutes later: "I really would love to kiss you though". Since he texted me this literally right after midnight Nov. 1st, Kurt and I had already changed our relationship status back to the way it was on Facebook, (to "in a relationship"). I sent him an email telling him that I was back together with Kurt and was confused why he texted me that. He said that he was making some changes in his life like the people he hangs out with. He said that since I rarely speak that it's been hard for him to talk to me lately. I guess I got more shy around him because of this whole weird situation with Kurt.

After that I avoided Frank for a while because I was kind of offended by the way he came off in his emails as kind of a jerk. I think he was embarrassed when he found that he had sent me that text right after I "got back together" with Kurt. Meanwhile, me and Kurt were doing well. We got closer because he got kicked out of his school at the end of the fall semester and I was one of the only people there to support him through this tough time.

But then April 2010 came around and Kurt's friend Jonathan called me and told me some strange information. Apparently his ex-girlfriend Gina (whom he was trying to work things out with, they've had an on-again-off-again relationship) had received some weird emails from some anonymous guy, who said he knew Gina from school, even though he didn't attend anymore. Gina told Jonathan about the emails and she kept sending the anonymous guy messages because she just wanted to find out who he was. Eventually, after enough evidence they decided that it was Kurt, which is when Jon called me to tell me the news. We decided to wait a little longer to see if they could get even more evidence, because they still weren't 100% sure that it was Kurt. But I got impatient with waiting so long that I asked Jon to talk to Kurt about it, because I knew that if I brought it up then Kurt would definitely deny it. If Jon was involved, then it would be harder for Kurt to lie.

Kurt did lie to Jonathan about it, saying his lesbian friend was the one who shared the email account with him and decided to mess with him. I knew that this was total BS, so when I talked to Kurt I told him that I didn't believe him and eventually got him to tell the truth (which was that he was in fact the person who wrote those emails to Gina). Jonathan got really mad at Kurt and didn't talk to him for a long time after that. After I got Kurt to fess up I told him that I was really mad and wanted to break up, but Kurt asked for another chance, once again. Since he was in such a vulnerable position, I told him EVERYTHING that was bothering me, like the fact that he was so jealous and didn't want me to hang out with me friends, and every other little thing that made me unhappy. He said he would change and I told him that he said that last time when I wanted to break up with him. But he said that this time was different and that he would definitely be a much better boyfriend than he was before. He gave a convincing argument because I decided that I would give him one last chance, but this time he was on very thin ice, and if he did anything horrible again that it would be over completely.

Kurt did begin acting like a better boyfriend after that, but I didn't trust him so I kept logging into his facebook and email accounts (he willingly gave me the passwords, I didn't hack into them) to see if there was anything strange going on.

Towards the end of the spring semester, Frank and I have gotten on speaking terms again and have hung out occasionally, but most of our recent interactions have been online.

Most recently, Kurt told me that he went to the doctor and that he had a prostate infection. I had a feeling that he was lying because whenever the topic was brought up he wouldn't stop trying to reassure me that it was nothing big, even if I told him that I believed him. I went on his email and realized that I could see his google searches. I couldn't see what websites he visited, but I did see that he had googled medical questions that had to do with chlamydia, gonorrhea, and urethritis. I had just been tested for both of those at my annual checkup, so I called for the results and luckily I didn't have either! But if Kurt tells me that he had a prostate infection, why would he be googling all of these other things? I only recently discovered this but I haven't told him that I know anything about the searches yet. Also, he had promised me that he was going to try to forget about his fetish, but I also noticed that he had been going on the fetish site again, and looking up images of various celebrities butts.

So I'm not entirely sure how to deal with this all. I'm currently abroad and not speaking with Kurt everyday since my phone doesn't work (we have been emailing though), so I've had some time to reflect on everything. I've been thinking about Frank a lot too because he's also studying abroad, though he's in another European country which is just one time zone away from me. I was thinking that I would like to spend a lot more time with Frank when the school semester begins again. I think I would like to try a relationship with him if he were still interested in me, but I really don't know at this point. At the very least I want to spend more time with him and get to the point that we were back when we first met, when I felt like I could talk to him about anything. Kurt has been extra nice, but I'm afraid that he's not being genuine. And the google searches have put another dent in my trust for him. I want to give Kurt a chance, but I'm not sure what to do with the most recent information, which might be proof that he has lied to me and/or cheated on me (he couldn't have gotten chlamydia or gonorrhea by himself).

Wow, that was really exhausting to write, it took me over 2 hours to remember all the details. I just really hope that it wasn't as exhausting for you to read! I would appreciate any advice, big or small. If you have any questions to clarify anything, please let me know! The reason I signed up for this site was because I was confused and this seemed like a nice community to turn to in order to get help. =)

Love,
Rina

[angel2002]

It was a big post but i like to read people's post so i can help them.
Fisrt of all i dont think you love Kurt and you know it. If you are interested in Frank you can't love someone and be interested in another one.
Kurts lied to you and he has lied since then when he wanted an open relatonship, and these things bout changing status doesnt work at all. Its bullshit in my opinion to do this kind of thing when u love someone. Plus i dont think kurt loves you. He has being an asshole from what you told , with the cheating issues and this weird researches. he probably IN MY OPINION might have slept with someone else who gave him this weird thing he calls infection, but u already know what it is.
You should really reflect in what u want to do, if u wanna be lied forever and are willing to be in a relationship like this.
If you really wanna be with frank its because u dont love kurt, so whats the point of deceiving yourself ?
You have to be strong and take a decision, the best one for you.
If you think the best is continue like this, then its up to you
Good luck with everything

[Gigabitch]

You're wasting your time with Kurt. 2000 miles away is difficult even when you see each other regularly, you trust each other completely and you have a workable plan for being together in the foreseeable future. What you have with Kurt is impossible. Give it up.

Frank deserves to have a clear shot if you want him. He keeps having to work around this Kurt clown. I can see why he might have given up completely, but in case he hasn't, try to clear the way for him by next semester.

Also, Kurt's internet searches are really none of your business. You're violating his privacy. Leave his face-sitting intrigued ass alone.

[pringlej]

Agree with Angel. You don't love kurt. otherwise you wouldn't even bother flirting with this Frank dude.

I would say ditch Kurt, cuz if you dont love him, it's just a waste of time anyway, whether u trust him or not. Then have a think about frank, or any other guy that may pop into your life.

[reeners]

Thanks for the advice, guys.

I get the feeling that he only wants me in his life because he's having trouble keeping in touch with some of his older friends. Which makes me feel bad because I feel like I'm the only person he has supporting him right now and that he'll have no one when I leave him. =( And he said he eventually wanted to move to where I was to be with me, but it's hard for us to talk about because he's not doing so well financially.

And yes, I know it's a violation of privacy even if he did give me his password, but at the same time I'm glad I didn't sleep with him after I found it out because I could've gotten an STD. And isn't it illegal to give someone an STD if he knows that he had it? He wasn't gonna tell me about it because he knew I'd be upset, obviously. But then I guess I'm just trying to justify myself to make it okay that I looked at his searches.

And I have no idea if Frank is still interested in me or not, I guess I'll find out after I try to get closer to him. I really hope he is, he's a great guy but the last thing I heard from him was that he didn't want a relationship. With just me or with anyone, I'm not sure.

[Gigabitch]

You shouldn't have unprotected sex with someone you're long distance with, just as a matter of habit. There are just too many instances where people cheat and pass along the Gifts that Keep on Giving.

[angel2002]

Violatin his privacy gigabitch ?? who gives a shit? he is a boyfriend and if he has giving you his password its because you two made it ok to mind each other business. It is illegal, but it's not wrong when both agree to do it.
You didnt do anything wrong, so dont worry. The only thing that is wrong is that you guys dont have enough trust on each other, to avoid reading each other's stuff.
I would do the same thing with my boyfriend, and if Kurt is such a lying piece of shit that didnt lell you about this dst shit, you are completely right. Smart girl, keep taking care of yourself:

[Gigabitch]

Violatin his privacy gigabitch ??

To be fair, she found the face-sitting thing on her own, and a Facebook password is not the same thing as internet search history.

[reeners]

To be fair, she found the face-sitting thing on her own, and a Facebook password is not the same thing as internet search history.

Yeah, I guess that's different. He definitely knows that I can see him facebook stuff since he gave me the password and he has deleted messages he doesn't want me to see. But he doesn't know I can see his search history. I don't wanna get into morals and stuff, but he did say he was gonna stop the whole face-sitting thing, and I have proof that he is being dishonest with me (he has been looking up images and videos more and more lately), and that I can't trust him when he makes hollow promises.

So I know I wanna break up with him and that he's a jerk, but not sure the best timing. Do I keep stringing him along and making him think everything is okay until after I get back from my study abroad trip? Even though he seems like the bad guy in this situation, I still don't want to hurt him. Obviously, I know I'm gonna hurt him, but I wish I knew what the best way was so we can both leave this and move on with our lives. Lately we have been kind of best friends as well as bf/gf so it's gonna be like we're both losing a friend and a lover, you know what I mean?

[Gigabitch]

I think the only way Kurt can come out of this happy is if you sit on his face, and you can't do that from Europe, so you might as well tell him goodbye. You can find a nice enough way to do it, I'm sure.