How to tell my boyfriend that he's become lazy in our relationship?

[Steelers<3]

Hi there.. 26f/29m So its been about 2 1/2 years for us, and I think basically my title says it all.. He's just become lazy in the relationship. He makes little effort, and its almost like he's clueless.

Let me say also that I'm not the type of girlfriend who only see's his flaws and not mine.

Recently if I don't initiate sex it doesn't happen. Well, I mean if it went 3-4 weeks then he would likely make a move, but otherwise nothing. I've tried going to bed in sexy outfits, cuddling before bed, etc but its like I can't get him to notice me. I've been eating healthier I've lost 7 lbs (I'm not overweight just gained a good 10 lbs after letting my diet go). I'm trying to exercise, and make sure I always look presentable etc...

I cook all of his meals, make him lunch every day, pay all of the bills (I mean we both work I'm just in charge of making the payments etc) I do all of his laundry, I don't ask him for much around the house, all this while working full time and being a mom too. I literally try to make things as easy as possible for him. I ask him for help sometimes and he doesn't complain.

Recently he's getting home later than me, me at 5pm and him at 8pm because of a new job. And, I'm just getting really tired of the laziness. He won't pursue me for sex, I NEVER get any type of compliment. I can't tell you the last time he told me I looked pretty... I have to ask for a kiss before bed he never just does it and they are such quick kiss your mom on the lips kisses its ridiculous. I never just get a kiss or a hug out of the blue even though he knows that if I were just standing in the kitchen doing dishes and he snuck up and gave me this huge kiss, I'd probably be happy for an entire week..

I want to tell him that I appreciate everything he does for the family etc, but that I literally go out of my way to make things so easy for him, that I just want to feel a little appreciation. And I want to tell him that intimately, you know in the area that divides a couple from just friends, that he's gotten lazy and puts no effort into anything. No date suggestions, no nice gestures, no nothing.

I know he loves me, its not an issue of us breaking up. I think its an issue of him taking things for granted, and needing to step up. How do I tell him this without making he feel offended? Or making his guard go up, or making him feel like I'm just whining and complaining?

I don't want him to feel like I'm attacking him. And, is this an issue of him just needing to step up? Or is an issue of boredom and its actually something that I myself need to fix?

[Wakeup]

I suggest you print out your opening post and leave it on the table for him to read when he gets home at 8pm and expects you to have his dinner hot and ready. You've become his mother.. no wonder he doesn't feel like getting it on with you. You're resenting being Chief cook and bottle washer.

Have a plan of action ready that you think will get back the sexual/romantic partner feel to your relationship rather thent the current Mother/son dynamic that I see going on at your house. You've literally taken over all duties of the union which he gladly let you do. Change that up and make a list of things he can do that you don't need to do yourself.

Once you discuss the state of affairs at Castle Steelers<3, Book a weekend away where the two of you can concentrate on doing things like you did before life, chores and need for control got in the way.

Good luck.

[PradaChanel]

I think he has gotten comfortable and maybe a little bored, hate to say it. Sometimes that happens in relationships. Do you have a life outside of him and the household where you can just relax and have your own time? I say this because normally when guys see you got other things going on and you start squeezing him into your time then they tend to come around a little more. Also, since your cooking and cleaning he definately should appreciate this. Since you have kids, of course your going to cook and clean but I would clean the kids clothes and say I was too tired to clean his.

I'd say have a talk with him. Just tell him you dont feel appreciated and see how that goes. Its silly how some men dont compliment their women but have an issue when another man does.

I would tell him how I felt and if that doesnt change, then I would go out and do my own thing, take myself out to eat and to the movies, have your alone time and would be looking so good when I left to do it too, Im not suggesting you cheat at all so dont think that but if he didnt change I definately would go out and do my own thing, he would be looking like, uhm where you going? I would say uhm out...and I bet then he would sit back like she look good and it will make him wonder..Im not suggesting that you do this as a game either, Im saying if he doesnt change then go on about what you want to do and I would leave him sitting there thinking in the midst of my perfume on my way out the door.

[Steelers<3]

I can see what you mean about the motherly role.. I just always thought that those things are what a good gf/wife would do... I honestly thought it was earning me bonus points... That he felt like he had a woman that really cared and took care of him. No wonder he's bored and taken advantage. I do make everything too fkn easy for him.. =/

Thank you wakeup

[Steelers<3]

I think he has gotten comfortable and maybe a little bored, hate to say it. Sometimes that happens in relationships. Do you have a life outside of him and the household where you can just relax and have your own time? I say this because normally when guys see you got other things going on and you start squeezing him into your time then they tend to come around a little more.

I'd say have a talk with him. Just tell him you dont feel appreciated and see how that goes. Its silly how some men dont compliment their women but have an issue when another man does.

I would tell him how I felt and if that doesnt change, then I would go out and do my own thing, take myself out to eat and to the movies, have your alone time and I would be looking so good when I left to do it too, Im not suggesting you cheat at all so dont think that but if he didnt change I definately would go out and do my own thing, he would be looking like, uhm where you going? I would say uhm out...and I bet then he would sit back like she look good and it will make him wonder..Im not suggesting that you do this as a game either, Im saying if he doesnt change then go on about what you want to do and I would leave him sitting there thinking in the midst of my perfume on my way out the door.

Haha this made me laugh. I know exactly what you are suggesting. I'm not looking to cheat or anything of the sort. I have wondered though what he might feel like if we were out at a bar and he saw someone else hitting on me.

[Starnique]

Lol. Im not a cheater so I dont condone that. BUT as far as games, sometimes you have to do what you have to do. Men sometimes dont appreciate it until you show them that, hey just because im a mother, just because I do all this at home, thats just makes me a complete woman. 100%, I can do it all...im not some lame, do you realize how good you got it?

[Wakeup]

"Z" snaps aside... You need to first communicate that you are not satisfied with the way things are before you start showing em that you are woman, hear you roar... . If they don't make an effort after that then by all means, do your own thing while keeping in mind that the attention of other men is the last thing you need to fix the lack of attention from your primary partner. Just my 2cents on that one.

[Steelers<3]

"Z" snaps aside... You need to first communicate that you are not satisfied with the way things are before you start showing em that you are woman, hear you roar... . If they don't make an effort after that then by all means, do your own thing while keeping in mind that the attention of other men is the last thing you need to fix the lack of attention from your primary partner. Just my 2cents on that one.

Understood.. I wouldn't want to make him jealous to a point that he questioned my faithfulness... And of course talking it out is my first option. I figured I would ask him to go to lunch Sunday and have a meal, a beer or 2, and talk about things. I still fear that I'm gonna come off a little harsh and I really don't want to be like that. I think I'm holding in some resentment towards him and that it might come through my tone. I'll try to keep it down though.

And although there are many ways to take that suggestion of attention from other men comment.... I think that men need to know sometimes that women are women, we need certain things and men need certain things.

Wakeup - Would you mind giving your opinion on this? : When we first met I was a bartender. I worked club nights, and eventually brought my boyfriend in as a security guard because he is a big guy. I would get hit on by men and women many times throughout the night. Men would even come up to him asking things like "damn, whats up with the bartender?" He would just laugh, smile and say something like I think she has a bf. He almost liked seeing me get hit on knowing that I was his. I stopped bartending about 1 1/2 years ago.

But my issue is, he expects me to automatically be confident. I can understand that to some degree. Be happy with yourself, love yourself, etc. But if your man never compliments you, never tells you either that you are attractive, or aren't attractive, you start to wonder. Personally, I need some assurance here and there. And if men find confidence attractive, how do they not know that they kind of hold that key in their hands? They can make a woman feel as gorgeous as a fkn victoria secret model, or, as ugly as a fat ass crackwhore sleeping on the street. While my bf has never talked down to me like that, I'm just saying that women need a type of reassurance that their partner still finds them attractive. And is it really that hard to let a compliment slip out of your lips here and there? I almost want to say in a way, I think some men almost need to think that if they don't give their woman any attention, someone else will. Harsh, but...

[Wakeup]

Steelers.. you know exactly how to tell you hubby that you're feeling under appreciated. You've just atriculated it beautifully right here, to us. Now you just have to do the same thing with him.

I often recommend the book "The Five Love Languages" when I hear people (both men and women) having your complaint. Sometimes we don't realize that they are telling us they love and appreciate us with words. You sound like your love language may be "Words of Affirmation." Check the book out, you may be missing his clues that tell you that he loves and appreciates. Of course his love language won't explain why he's being a tad apathetic in the bedroom, but i touched on why that "may" be in my first post (and in my opinion). I think you guys need to re-establish a suduction routine that was in place when you first started dating. Never stop flirting with your man/woman. (no matter how long your relationship has been) It means a lot both in and out of the bedroom.

[basilandthyme]

I can see what you mean about the motherly role.. I just always thought that those things are what a good gf/wife would do... I honestly thought it was earning me bonus points... That he felt like he had a woman that really cared and took care of him. No wonder he's bored and taken advantage. I do make everything too fkn easy for him.. =/

Just a quick comment on you doing everything for him. That's not what a good gf/wife does - that's what a slave does.

If you're both working, running the house should be a partnership.