Am I way too sensitive? Are we always fighting because of me?

[Suzan]

Hello there. I just joined this forum because I need advice on my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm really scared I'm gonna lose him if this keeps happening.
Im female, 20 years old. He's 21 and we've been together for exactly 6 months now. I'd really appreciate it, if someone would take the time to read this.

Well one thing you guys must know is, that I can be a sensitive person sometimes. I know that. I feel hurt, upset or angry very easily, but with my boyfriend it seems like it's getting out of control.
We always fight, because in my opinion, the way he talks to me sometimes, is so weird, that it makes me angry.

For example: Once we went to the grocery store. He was walking ahead of me, because there where too many people, so we couldn't go side by side. Anyways, he walks, and suddenly he stops for no reason. I stop too and wait for him to keep going. Then he says to me (in a very sassy way): Well go ahead! What are you waiting for? That irritated me. Why would he all of a sudden stop and command me to go ahead? It was his tone when he said that, which made me angry. I replied: Well fine but stop using a tone with me. Then he goes like: Come one stop being so bitchy. I didn't use a tone. I talk like I always talk.

Another example: My boyfriend had to get up early one day, for a lecture. I knew that when he would come home, he's going to sleep a lot. So I didn't text him all day. I waited 4 hours after he arrived at home to text him. I asked "Still sleeping?". He didn't reply. I figured he must still be sleeping. 3 hours later I wrote: "?", because I couldn't imagine he would sleep that long...
He answered: "Yeah sry", then "What???????" .... the way he wrote that irritated me again. It felt like he was annoyed, because I texted him. I said "well we haven't talked all day, sorry for annyoing you" ... and then we started fighting again.

Very often, he uses this attitude towards me. Sometimes he also uses a tone which makes me feel as if he thinks I'm stupid.., he can be way too sarcastic sometimes too. I don't like that.

I'm annoyed because the way he talks to me can be very condescending. He is annoyed because he thinks I'm always overreacting. He says he doesn't mean it in a "mean" way. But I think, if he doesn't mean it in a mean way, he should stop using that tone, or stop the way he's texting me sometimes...

He's like: Finally understand that I'm not trying to be mean. You need to change. You're starting getting on my nerves.
He says it is all my fault that we argue over these little things.

Is it my fault? Honestly I don't think it is... I never had this kind of problem concerning miscommunication with another person. Not with my siblings, or friends. (he's my first boyfriend).
Or maybe I'm just too stuborn? And I'm just acting too sensitive? I just really need to know if I am the problem...

I tried to stop getting annoyed when I didn't like the way he acted towards me but if I'm angry I can't act as if I'm not. What he's basically saying is, that whenever I feel like he's mistreating me, I should just chill and accept, that he didn't mean it in a "mean" way.

What do you guys think? I would really appreciate any kind of comment. I'm scared that I'm gonna lose him because of that. He's really pissed. (oh and sorry if I made any mistakes while writing this, english is not my first language)

[gallifrey]

Has he always been like that or did it just start recently? Because if he was already acting that way when you two started dating, I honestly don't know how or why you ended up in a relationship.

I don't think it's your fault, and you definitely shouldn't try to change who you are or blame yourself. It just sounds like your attitudes and personalities really aren't compatible at all.

My guess is that you'll never stop fighting, and it's only going to get worse as all these negative memories build up. It won't last and you'll eventually just end up as an emotional wreck who will always blame herself for everything.

Don't put up with that shit.
Ask yourself why you're even together and whether it's even worth it (spoiler alert: it probably isn't).

[Suzan]

We haven't been dating that long to be honest. Everything happened really fast.
I met him through a friend of mine. I immediately felt attracted to him. And he immediately liked me too. We only went on one real date before we became a couple...
I must admit that I didn't know him as much as I should have and he didn't know me enough either..
We realized that we have a lot in common but it wasn't before we got together, that I actually got to know him vice versa.
I often thought about it.. That maybe I'm not the right girl, and that he may be not the right guy, that everything happened way too fast but I came to the conclusion that no ones perfect and that no relationship is perfect. Do you really think that's a reason to break up?
He's my first boyfriend. I lost my virginity to him. I have never been more honest to a person, he knows more about me than anyone.
Shouldn't I give it my all to try to make this work?

[searock]

Jeez, he's making you feel like you have to change, like you are too emotional, etc etc... that's manipulative behavior and you should dump him. Find someone that doesn't make you feel miserable or crazy.

His response to your perfectly normal texts is proof that it is NOT you who is oversensitive, it is him who is a douche.

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No, you should not stay with him, especially because he's only your first boyfriend. Don't stay in a bad relationship just because you don't think there's anything else out there - there most definitely is!

[Wakeup]

I think that neither on of you know how to communicate to one another. It was obvious to me that he was annoyed that you were "following" him in the grocery store and instead of just moving beside you or moving behind you and telling you to lead, he assumed you should know that that is what he wanted.

When someone is overly sensitive, as you admit to being then I think texting is something that you should only use when you need something... not to communicate because its way to easy for you to misunderstand his intent. He was confused that you' sent a "?" after you already contacted him. If he didn't text you back after that you should have phoned him and left a voice mail asking him to call you when you (sorry 'he') woke up and then you wouldn't have been further annoyed when he wondered what you were on about.

There are books on how to effectively communicate and maybe you would both do well to read. There are ways to avoid misunderstanding one another. To me, misunderstanding one another is what you're doing and you're both becoming annoyed with one another. He just happens to be the one that had the nerve to voice his annoyance outright. You've yet to do that by all accounts.

[haylz885]

em Im not sure you say he sometimes makes you feel stupid and is sarcastic if this is often then it is manipulative behaviour and you should not stand for anyone belittling you... if it continues on a regular basis he could really knock your confidence and self esteem.... I say considering you are so conscientious of the matter and questioning yourself it is probably not you as you sound fair... follow your gut I say!! and if he is manipulative get out now before the relationship becomes anymore serious.

[basilandthyme]

Suzan, I'm guessing that you're a little older than my daughter. The advice I gave to her on dating: "You know the friendship with your best friend? How you instinctively understand each other? How you may have disagreements but you sort it out quickly and easily? How you are never disrespectful to the other? You should accept nothing less in a relationship. Your relationship with your BFF is proof that easy relationships do exist. And you can and will find this with a man too"

You ask if you should "try to make it work". I think that if it's this crap after only 6 months, it's far wiser to walk away. Good relationships will happen without pushing to make them happen.

[michelle23]

I was going to say something similar to what basil said. I assume you have good family/friends who make you feel good about yourself? Who respect you and treat you right. You should expect the same from a boyfriend. If hes making you feel like your the problem and its all your fault then that is a red flag and you shouldnt stay with him. That is abusive

[Suzan]

I do have an amazing family. Unfortunately I don't really have friends... Only people who used to be very close to me but kind of abandoned me .. Since that I've created this barrier between me and other people... I don't even know how to be social anymore... I like to hide myself away ..

If he's not being sarcastic, he can be a nice guy. He makes me feel like the most beautiful girl on earth.
He lifts me up sometimes.
He actually says that I'm a smart girl...
Sometimes he just talks as if he doesn't think that I am.

I really appreciate every single message you guys posted ... I just think I have to talk to him again and tell him that it's not all my fault that we fight.
I'm definitely going to read books on how to communicate. I know I have problems with expressing myself correctly, so does he. You guys helped me see that.

I know 6 months seem like nothing to some of you. To me it means the world...
Especially because I'm already kind of close with his parents...
Even his relatives in Romania talk as if I'm already a member of this family.
I don't think I'm ready to give that up just yet. Not before giving it my all to try to make this work.

I'm sure he loves me... I'm just not used to the way he talks..

His best friend (who is also a good friend of mine, my only friend actually) assures me that he loves me. She says that's just the way he talks, I shouldn't take it personally.

Also after we fight he's always the one who gives up on the fight... He says it's my fault but he drops the issue after a couple of minutes because he says he can't bear the thought of us fighting and not talking to each other.

Doesn't that count?

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being naive. Maybe I am.
I don't know.

[searock]

Get professional help for your social anxiety. Everything regarding your interpersonal relationships will be better when you do.

[haylz885]

is it scince you have been with this guy that you have lost your friends?? does he belittle you quit allot honestly and tone of voice does count?

[Suzan]

No I met him after I lost them... I have no one but him. I guess thats also why I can't imagine leaving him... I don't wanna be alone again.

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Get professional help for your social anxiety.

I've been thinking about that. But I just thought that I would only make a big deal out of it... I never thought that I really needed help. That its not a big deal...

[searock]

Well, it is. It's not normal for people your age to have no friends. It's no wonder you are willing to stay in a bad relationship, when the alternative is being completely alone. You need friends.

[Suzan]

Yeah I know I need friends and honestly I don't know how it happened that I'm now left alone..
I used to be so outgoing, so confident, everyone liked me, everyone knew me... When I turned 18 it all changed.... People were still nice but didn't really care if I was there or not... My former two best friends stopped caring about me after I transferred to another school..., at least so it seemed to me. I figured that I'd rather have no friends than hanging out with people who don't really care wether I show up or not.
I'm still hurt because of that... And on top of that, one of my former (female) best friends decided to befriend my boyfriend... They are texting, meeting up to play Xbox, playing squash... She talks to him but not to me.. I find that odd.... I guess I just started to lose my confidence and questioning my self worth when friends stopped talking to me but continued talking to my former two best friends... We used to be the 3 besties. .. People were always interested in the 3 of us and suddenly only in the two of them... I thought that I'm over it. Apparently I'm not

[searock]

It happens, once high school is over people lose touch with each other because they move to new schools/places, where they meet other people and start hanging out with others. Why haven't you made any friends in your new school? Also, why are you ok with your boyfriend going on dates with other girls (even if nothing physical happens)?