Long story short: he was my first boyfriend, I was his second girlfriend, we fell in love hard. Before him I had had meaningless hook ups with other guys. When he learned about this ('cause he asked) he became jealous and stopped trusting me, and problems started. He was really cruel and controlling. Three years later, I called it quits. During the time we've been broken up, both of us are still in love, so cutting contact has been hard.
He still loves me a lot, or so he says, but we have problems from time to time. He gets jealous, and so do I. For instance, now he's made friends with a lot of girls, who I think are prettier than me, and they're completely different. I'm more of an intellectual, quiet type. These are party girls. I feel so jealous of them, since it makes me feel like he prefers that type of girl over me. I can't help comparing myself and feeling like crap.
He's also been partying a lot. I haven't. My social life is not very active. I feel so envious because it seems his life has improved so much after I left him, while I'm stuck in boredom, loneliness... and I know I'm obviously biased, but while I made mistakes, he was actually cruel to me during the relationship, so it feels a bit unfair that he's having the time of his life with these hot girls while I'm miserable.
I mean, if I go partying once in a while and he finds out, he criticizes me, etc. Yet all his friends are party girls? They party a lot more than I do, and he doesn't criticize them or reject them? He also parties more than me, so yeah, he's a huge hypocrite!
He says he loves me and all that, but his life seems so much better without me and it hurts. I still feel empty without him. I can't get over the envy. Whenever I learn that he went partying and did crazy stuff (I don't have him on Facebook, I mean, I blocked him, but we do have friends in common... so I see pics and videos and stuff), I feel so bad, so frustrated, so lame, like a loser. And it hurts. How can I deal with all this?