The Talk?

[Rollerderby]

Ok, so it's been a couple of weeks since we started "officially dating" and I realized that I wasn't totally sure I was ready.

I tried to just talk to him about it, and he even admitted that we didn't know each other that well. He said he doesn't just fall into bed with people, and that it was "our passion" that really sealed it for him. He through out a few other compliments about liking me, that I'm not vain enough to repeat here, but he used terms like, "looking for the right one," and "You may not be the right one, but you could be."

We discussed how he is a hopeless romantic, and I am a realist.

The thing is, I really was not trying to break-up with this guy. But then he started talking about ex-girlfriends who cheated on him, and how he has had his heart-broken. My take is, well we all have sweetheart. Maybe not super mushy, but I'm being realistic. I was just trying to say, we don't know each other very well, and because of that fact, I would like to take things slowly.

Maybe I'm just over-thinking it, but I was trying to share my thoughts as a way of getting to know him better. But also trying to explain that I am feeling a tad scared, and I would rather let him know than pretend I'm not and have it sit in me like a monster.

I'd say for a deeper feelings conversation it didn't go as well as I'd hoped, and left me feeling even more unsure. He seemed almost scared that I was breaking up with him, and didn't seem to understand that I was just trying to talk. But he said he thinks we compliment each other very well, while I kind am sitting there picking him apart in my head.

[Yggdrasil]

Well... you guys are still making your first steps and feeling out where the comfort zone is.

At least you both talk, that's a good thing.

And of course he's gona be scared you'll break up if he thinks that you're the cats meow.

Sounds like you may have something good going there.

[Doc Durian]

He sounds previously hurt, clingy by nature, and with a sizeable imagination of romantic inclinations... capable of leaping skyscrapers (or the tender slow beginnings of a new relationship) in a single hapless bound.

You want to know whether the talk is just talk, and what the messages in your head mean. Not an altogether bad thing.

So he has to reluctantly come to a conclusion of his own.... whether to wait at the top story for you, leap back down only to climb again in pace with you, or find a new skyscraper to King Kong bungle up.

If I was the chick, I'd turf his thought.

[Rollerderby]

Turf his thought?

[Doc Durian]

Remove any serious inclination towards a future together with consideration of the pace and substance of his initial courtship towards you.

[Rollerderby]

I guess the talk just made me feel kind of yicky inside because of the way he seemed to take it. I'd like to give it a fair chance, but I'm thinking we are on pretty different pages.

For him, he pursues one girl at a time. Which is fair, I can give him a shot, but I'm feeling like we didn't get to know each other very well to start. And that as we get to know each other, we are either going to discover we are compatible or not. He agrees that he wishes we could have gotten to know each other better before we started dating. I'm just starting to wonder if maybe I wasn't as into him as I thought I was.

[Peter Pry]

I agree with Doc and also that your boy just sounds inexperienced and awkward to me. He thinks that love is supposed to be Sleepless in Seattle and can't understand why, if he is being so mushy and romantic, you're getting a little turned off. He sounds like he doesn't have the experience or inclination to understand that not every chick wants to be Meg Ryan.

You've told us what he said to you; I'm wondering what you said to him. I imagine you were pretty straightforward, i.e. blunt. Because you wanted to communicate your feelings clearly, honestly, and unmistakably. Since you're not communicating with this veneer of mushy and romantic euphemism, he mistakes it for wanting to break up. If he wants to have a relationship with you, he is going to have to learn to communicate with YOU, not some romanticized version of you, and you communicate forthrightly.

And then of course you're turned off by the end, because his reaction is super submissive and you're a power player.

[Rollerderby]

I feel like had he taken what I was saying a little bit better, I wouldn't have felt like I needed to get away from him asap.

He also reiterated some conversation with one of his friends about how we fit together pretty well because I am outgoing and he is shyer. But I was sitting there, analyzing him as he was analyzing himself, trying to get him to see that his lack of confidence isn't really a turn on.

I was trying to tell him I'm a bit commitment phobic, and he was like, oh me too, but I'm trying to also find the one.
Not something you say to someone who's got fear of getting into relationships.

[Doc Durian]

I feel like had he taken what I was saying a little bit better, I wouldn't have felt like I needed to get away from him asap.

He also reiterated some conversation with one of his friends about how we fit together pretty well because I am outgoing and he is shyer. But I was sitting there, analyzing him as he was analyzing himself, trying to get him to see that his lack of confidence isn't really a turn on.

I was trying to tell him I'm a bit commitment phobic, and he was like, oh me too, but I'm trying to also find the one.
Not something you say to someone who's got fear of getting into relationships.

He's a romance addict and he needs to hit rock bottom. The only way to help him, or intervene, is to keep telling him bluntly that his charms or lack of, have no effect on you....

He might bottom out with you, or a couple more down the line... and then hopefully, while in the throes of depression, he'll either make changes to himself or slash his wrists.

Eithe option is preferable to a wannabe Tom Hanks.

[Mish]

So what are you going to do derby?

[vashti]

Maybe I'm just over-thinking it, but I was trying to share my thoughts as a way of getting to know him better. But also trying to explain that I am feeling a tad scared, and I would rather let him know than pretend I'm not and have it sit in me like a monster.

Maybe he's thinking the same thing?

And by the way, his thinking that you are getting cold feet sounds accurate.

[Yggdrasil]

capable of leaping skyscrapers (or the tender slow beginnings of a new relationship) in a single hapless bound.

So he has to reluctantly come to a conclusion of his own.... whether to wait at the top story for you, leap back down only to climb again in pace with you, or find a new skyscraper to King Kong bungle up.

Sounds like 'The Matrix' to me. Is he Neo or agent Smith?

[Rollerderby]

Well, I have poor circulation, so I get cold feet all the time. I like him. I'm just not sure I'm in like with him. But I didn't start the conversation to break-up with him. Most of it wasn't actually about our relationship. It was about me.

I was just trying to express some of the things that I am dealing with, that are hard when you also have a new partner that you don't trust totally yet. His reaction struck me as more needy which made me want to push him away even more.

I'm giving myself a few days to assess this situation. I think when I talk to him, I will be very clear about what I am looking for.

I think it's better when you don't feel like you are on the same page to draw attention to it and either make a decision to keep trying or move on, rather than play head games. His lack of self-confidence and somewhat submissiveness bothers me. I don't find that attractive in a partner. If nothing else, hopefully it gives him a jump start in his self-esteem building skills.

But maybe he'll show a new side? I'll keep you guys posted.

[Rollerderby]

I also am really annoyed that the first time I actually tried to have a deeper conversation with him, rather than the day-to-day hum drum that he took it so badly. I'm trying *not* to put all my baggage on him that I'm dealing with. He took it as I'm leaving him.

[Yggdrasil]

I'm trying *not* to put all my baggage on him that I'm dealing with.

You come with baggage? He should be happy, he doesn't have to buy you clothes.

Name one person who doesn't come with at least a minumum amount of baggage (ok, besides Jesus or so, if you believe in those things, that doesn't count).

So you have some baggage, whoohoo.. big deal.. we all have. I betcha he has some to. So eventualy, inevitable, you'll be talking about that baggage.

I think people should accept you as you are, not as they would like you to be. If they can't do that, they don't even belong in your friendship circle, never mind your intimate circle.

People are kind of like cars, they're all nice and shiny and almost perfect when they come out of the factory, so are babies. Then you start driving them, and they get scratched, need repairs, tune-ups, paintjobs, you name it. It's the same with people. The higher the mileage, the more maintenance, repairs and tune-ups have been done. But eventually, you become a classic and sell for a hundred thousand bucks on eBay

I don't even know if that makes sense. Well, it does to me. Then again to others it may not...