Porn affecting my relationship?! Help.

[sarahfort]

Hi There,

I was looking to get some male and female opinions on the way I feel about porn.

I never really gave it much thought the first couple years I was dating my boyfriend. But as we've grown closer and basically live together, and most of the time wind up sharing a computer, I've noticed porn from time to time. It seems I've been noticing it more lately, I don't think he's been watching it any more than usual, I think I am just noticing it more and more. I brought it up with him in a joking manner a few months ago, and he blew up at me. He did not want to talk about it and dropped the subject. I am a pretty girl. I'm smart and I know what I want out of a relationship. Lately I have been feeling fairly insecure which is abnormal and when it really came down to it, it's because of the porn. Everytime I see he's watched it I feel angry, hurt, confused... Especially because we see eachother almost every single night, and we've always had a very active sex life. Almost every day. Please do not suggest that it has become "boring" , because that is not the case. We're both early 20's and adventurous.

Very recently I reached my boiling point with how it was making me feel, I was on the computer and google search bar revealed a few sites, and I knew he had watched it while I was working. I went home to sleep with him that night. I confronted him. He accused me of being snoopy and he did not see it the way I saw it. I explained to him how it made me feel, and that I wasnt comfortable with it. Not with how active we are and how frequently I see him. We made up, and he told me he wouldnt watch it anymore because of how I felt.

The NEXT morning, my Iphone was dead so i grabbed his. the first page open on the internet was a porn site. I know I shouldn't have, but I checked the history because I was angry he told me a straight lie, and I felt like he completely disregarded my feelings on the subject. He had watched 6 videos, and he must have watched them while at work. I confronted him AGAIN. This time much more upset and hurt. He was angry at me for snooping again, and I apologized but it was not intentional, and he had lied to me in a way . Later that evening he promised me if it was that big of a deal he wouldnt watch it anymore. I asked him if he NEEDED it, and if it was that important of a thing in his life... then I could not continue a relationship with him. I cannot be uncomfortable the rest of my life, I know my worth - and i never wanted to change him .

Does anybody agree with me? Does anybody think if he really loves me and values our relationship he'll at least make an effort to respect my feelings? If you had a girlfriend who asked the same of you and you loved her - would you try?

I really don't want to violate his privacy again , but I can't help wondering if he really meant what he said. I am saddened to say that if porn is something so important to him that he's risk losing me... I would leave him.

Not looking to hear answers like " all guys watch porn, you'll never stop him"... I am looking for some people who can put their selves in my shoes/his shoes and tell me how you feel, how you would feel, or what you would do.


Thanks everyone.

[pcmaster]

Well its obvious guy have addiction and he cant help himself. You should gooogle porn addiction. Also he might feel too much pressure with you so its more simple to go easy route. That could be just escapism too. I dont think the porn is the source of the problem. Its ussualy lack of adventure/social life,just lack of talk/feeling down etc. Whatever the problem porn is his way to forget it for a moment. Its same as if you would watch too much tv or play video games or work too much its all escapism. You have to dig deeper to find the problem.

[Wakeup]

Why don't you just leave him, Sarah? You'll both be better off in the long run if he can find a chick who doesn't mind him viewing and you can find a guy that doesn't look. Or.. at least someone like Imma up there who is smart enough to delete when he knows it's going to freak you out at least.

(maybe he's going to be smarter about hiding it now.. give it a few weeks.)

[basilandthyme]

He's lied to you before, so odds are he'll lie to you again.

Does anybody think if he really loves me and values our relationship he'll at least make an effort to respect my feelings? .

The thing about loving a person and valuing the relationship is that it works both ways. Thing is, if you really loved him and valued the relationship, you'd respect his feelings on porn, yes?

Thing is, at present both of you are have been more caught up in having your own way than in seeking resolution. Unless one of you budges - or you both decide on compromise - the relationship cannot last.

I think you'd be wise to end the relationship.

[michelle23]

ya i agree. find a bf who has no interest in porn. my bf dont watch it at all so i no they exist. you cant force him to stop watching it but you can leave him coz this is obviously having an impact on your self-esteem.

[sarahfort]

Why don't you just leave him, Sarah? You'll both be better off in the long run if he can find a chick who doesn't mind him viewing and you can find a guy that doesn't look. Or.. at least someone like Imma up there who is smart enough to delete when he knows it's going to freak you out at least.

(maybe he's going to be smarter about hiding it now.. give it a few weeks.)

Do you think there is any chance he realizes how it makes me feel, and would stop or at least try and cut down? Other than this one glitch, we have and have always had, an amazing relationship. We talk about our future, and I know he loves me more than anything. All I know is that if I was in the position where he came to me, and told me something I was doing was hurting his feelings... I would stop immediately because I love and respect him. I'm just looking for maybe someone who has been in my position, and what the outcome was

[michelle23]

believe what you want. he has no interest in it and i have seen on other forums some men saying they dont watch it.

of course men who depend on it will find that hard to believe.

[michelle23]

OP he doesnt think its an issue and he doesnt get why it bothers you. hes not gonna stop doing something that hes prob done for the past 10-15years just coz you dont like it and you cant force him to.

if you dont like it-you walk away. you cant change him or control what he does. its that simple.

there are men who dont watch it so go find one if it bothers you this much.

[Starnique]

^^^

Not Michelle's boyfriend. He's perfect.

[Wakeup]

Do you think there is any chance he realizes how it makes me feel, and would stop or at least try and cut down? Other than this one glitch, we have and have always had, an amazing relationship. We talk about our future, and I know he loves me more than anything. All I know is that if I was in the position where he came to me, and told me something I was doing was hurting his feelings... I would stop immediately because I love and respect him. I'm just looking for maybe someone who has been in my position, and what the outcome was

I'm sorry, doll. I don't know what to tell you because I think you'd be insecure/jealousy/feeling out of control even if he masturbated while THINKING about some of the naked women he's viewed. Am I right?

Do you get upset if he masturbates to photos of naked women or is it just porn that makes you fearful?

Besides he's told you he won't look at it anymore. What makes you not trust that promise?

[Starnique]

I don't really care about the porn myself, personally. The only thing my Ex would do is say, hey I seen this on a flick, let's do this and that was fine. As long as its not an addiction. I wouldn't like it if he got off on another chicks photo or video. I wouldn't like that at all.

[Wakeup]

Really? How do you feel if he watches and appreciates strippers? *Not said maliciously I'm just really curious.

[sarahfort]

I'm sorry, doll. I don't know what to tell you because I think you'd be insecure/jealousy/feeling out of control even if he masturbated while THINKING about some of the naked women he's viewed. Am I right?

Do you get upset if he masturbates to photos of naked women or is it just porn that makes you fearful?

Besides he's told you he won't look at it anymore. What makes you not trust that promise?

I don't think it makes me fearful. I'm not afraid that he will leave me , or cheat.

I have voiced my opinions and I find it hurtful. If we couldnt see eachother as often, or if we were in a long distance relationship I could understand the appeal but that isn't the case. IMO the porn itself is worse, because you have to actively go searching for it. I am not asking him to stop masturbating, and I cant expect him to not have thoughts of anybody else. Porn feels extremely disrespectful to me. He has me, when he wants me, usually anywhere and any place. I just don't see a permanent spot for porn in a long term relationship that is continuously becoming more serious. If it wasnt considered socially acceptable or wasnt as easily available then most guys wouldn't even be so tempted to watch it as much as they do. Sorry I'm venting. I want to believe he will make an effort because of the way I feel, and because he cares for me.


What's making me doubt him at the moment is , there are more people than not who are basically saying It can never happen. Most of them are men. And most of you would probably choose porn over your significant others. I just think that is a problem.

[Wakeup]

If it wasnt considered socially acceptable or wasnt as easily available then most guys wouldn't even be so tempted to watch it as much as they do. Sorry I'm venting. I want to believe he will make an effort because of the way I feel, and because he cares for me.

Not really. Men have been wanking to pornography since cave man drew the first penis being welded like a sword toward a naked drawaing of the comely wench in the leopard print.

What's making me doubt him at the moment is , there are more people than not who are basically saying It can never happen. Most of them are men. And most of you would probably choose porn over your significant others. I just think that is a problem.

It's only a problem if they ARE choosing porn over their woman. Have you noticed that he's not having sex with you as much as you'd like him to?

[sarahfort]

Not really. Men have been wanking to pornography since cave man drew the first penis being welded like a sword toward a naked drawaing of the comely wench in the leopard print.


It's only a problem if they ARE choosing porn over their woman. Have you noticed that he's not having sex with you as much as you'd like him to?

Sorry what I meant is that given the CHOICE, of either having a loving girl in your life OR not having her but instead having porn.... porn might win the majority of those fights just because men cannot stop. It's sick.