I'm I obsessed w/ her or what, what am I feeling??

[Darker Than Bla]

Here's my story:



I'm in 2nd year uni, and I have anxiety issues due to some past relationship problems, and this anxiety basically messes me up socially, especially with girls, I get so scared when talking to a girl. and I started to hate it (hate my feelings) when I have crushes on somebody, because I thought it would end up exactly like how my last attempted relationship went.

So I transfered high school after grade 10, and I was still thinking about the girl that I used to like..and I was very obsessed

At the same time, a classmate was hinting me that a girl (cindy) liked me, I was obsessed with the previous girl for almost 3 years (just classmates, know absolutely nothing of each other, same with the new girl), so I didn't pay much attention to the new girl.

then onto university, I went to a different university than the first girl I liked because I couldn't stand seeing her again in my life. It also turned out that the new girl that used to like me came to the same university.

the 1st year uni went by and I didn't like anyone, or hang out with anyone, because of my anxiety issues, I had no friends. all convos i had ended up as awkward silences, because I didn't know what to say, so people left. The same thing happened back in high school, but some people were extremely picky about it, and they said it in my face, I'm not going into detail.

In 2nd year uni, I made 3 friends (all guys, I don't have any female friends-->anxiety with girls, to the point where my heart is racing 140 beats a minute), one of which turned out to be a *****bag, so we're not friends anymore. (I sought help for the first year of university at the student counseling office)

I randomly added cindy on MSN through Facebook, at first I thought of doing it just for fun, for the heck...I was bored..haha, I barely visited her page, just sometimes when i was really bored

a few days before this, I saw a girl i liked in engineering, she was sitting with some other guy, then I felt so depressed after that. I went back to my dorm, and I started to think about cindy, this went on for about a day straight. so I told my *****bag friend I liked her in high school. well, I tried to talk to her on MSN, she responded, but I didn't know what to say, things were really awkward.

I then, said I was sorry i was rude to her once in high school, and I asked her to delete me off MSN...well, yeah

After that, a few days later, I started to think about her more (WTF is wrong with me). so I asked my ****bag friend for her msn again, and I added her (btw, the ****bag friend of mine went on and asked her if she wanted to be my friend on msn w/o telling me, that pissed me off)

my ****bag friend made a prank on me and said she thought I was obsessed with her, and she was pissed at me, and she thought I was stalking her.

So I confronted her on MSN (I don't know her cell, or anything about her, like I said we know nothing of each other), but then my ****bag friend he was joking about pranking me. It was too late, b/c she responded and asked me what i wanted to tell her.


ok

I just said, I used to like u in high school, then I didn't know what else to say. When i wasn't typing, i could see under the convo box that she would write something and delete and rewrite whatever. (if you use msn, u would know what I am talking about)

so, our convo ended like

"u don't like me anymore right? I don't want things to be awkward"
"i don't even see u on campus, so no"
"i'm really flattered, I'm gonna go now, byeeeee"

just like that,


ok now here is my real problem


i tried, but couldn't stop thinking about her, it affected me so much, that I failed one of my midterms last semester

I saw her once by the train station, she saw me too, I purposely turned around, and ignored her, because I was SOOOO nervous, i just froze (past anxiety issues)

I don't even remember what she looked like, so sometimes, somebody that looked like her would walk pass by me, and I feel awkward for not waving hi.

I know she like some other guy, maybe already dating, i don't know, and don't want to know, and she told me "I have a close friend, he have As in organic chemistry"

I've recently discovered I don't like her, I am just really jealous of her, of her good social skills, her good grades, she have everything I don't have and want to have.

I wish she was mine instead of the other guy's, but at the same time, I have not a drop of real feelings (or feelings at all) for her.

I started to believe in the higher being, and asked him for help. It really helped, and I've been able to feel some sort of love for myself ( I used to hate everything about myself, I thought I wasn't good enough for anything--> all due to some past relationship issues, and immigrating to a new country issues)

but once in a while, I get the feeling, that I really want her close by, or I want to go back in time and maybe talked to her, we might have been really close friends.

some one tell me what am I feeling? I have no feelings for her, yet I want her to be mine.

[vashti]

You DO sound a bit obsessive, considering this is a girl you never dated (or even really knew), and you are blowing off girls who actually ARE interested (for no apparent reason) so you can sit around and think of a stranger...

Are you still getting counseling at school? I think you should.