Fiancee's kid is getting on my nerves sometimes

[Kaius]

My fiancee's six-year-old son is a good kid overall. I love him very much, and he treats me like a father. There is a strong bond.
Like every child, they can get hyper and sometimes annoy the heck out of adults. This boy is no exception. In fact, he gets into more trouble than most kids his age. He just started 1st grade, and he already got sent to principal's office during the 1st week of school. My fiancee said he has improved tremendously since pre-school, as he no longer hits his teachers anymore. I have a daughter with autism, so I am aware of behavioral problems in children. I suggested to my fiancee that maybe we should have the boy tested. She got really defensive and said he is gifted and different, that's all. I basically never brought up the topic again, as I figure it's no use. So every other day he gets a "yellow" flag in school, which indicates moderate misbehavior. He is always shouting....All I hear is his shouting. He wakes up at 5am and starts shouting.....I can't stand it. Last weekend he hit my fiancee, and got grounded. Later that day my fiancee cried and told me maybe it's better we don't get married because I will one day resent this boy, and the marriage would suffer. I told her I love him like my own son... but I also wanted to say that he has major issues and needs help. I couldn't make myself say it, because his mom is in denial. At this point i am torn.... we are supposed to be married next year, and this boy is making everyone upset almost every day. His 9-year-old sister teases him often, so things are even worse.

My own daughter with autism never had such issues.... In fact, she is the most easy-going kid of all the children. My daughter was "labelled" when she was 3, and received lots of services to help her improve. Now she is 7, and can pretty much pass for a typical kid.... She goes to regular school, and was student of the month last month. And here is this boy, whom his mom believes is gifted, gets into trouble so often that his own father doesn't want to see him. I work 14 hour days, so I feel my exhaustion is beginning to push me to the limit. Recently my patience has been reduced, and the boy's actions really annoy me.
I feel bad for saying this, but it's true. Here is what he does:

* Wakes up at 5am...and crawls into bed with his mom and me.
* Fidgets non-stop until we can't sleep anymore, and are forced to get up and feed him.
* Runs around the house and punches invisible people.
* Shouts....shouts....constant shouting.
* Freaks out over strange things....like mushrooms on the grass, or a bug on the sidewalk.
* Calls people silly names constantly, like "shut up you button face"
* Loves video games, and cries when he loses.
* Makes a mess every where, and fights when he is told to clean up, get dressed, brush teeth...everything.
* Freaks out if his food touches another food on the same plate (peas touching the carrots is a NO NO).
* Would not stop talking.... he can't finish a sentence without going back to the beginning to repeat the first few words..
* Cannot finish class work by himself. Teacher asked his mom if they could pull him out and work with him individually, and his mom said no it isn't necessary.... he's just lazy.

It's becoming a real pain going on family trips. We have gone to disneyland, legoland, universal and various zoos.... Every single time his mom has to drag him to the parking lot and make him cool down because he gets violently upset when we have to wait in line or if the ride is unsuitable for him. Next week we are going to legoland again, and I am so dreading it... I have a headache thinking about it.

I love this boy...I honestly do.... But sometimes I think to myself if he were my son, I would get him the help that he needs. He is very creative in his drawings, and loves music. I would get him therapy so he can channel his energy towards his strengths. I feel as though much of his mother's depression comes from him, but she just wouldn't admit it. I am truly frustrated.... as this boy is affecting our relationship.

Any input would be appreciated.

[Boisdevie]

I think you really need to talk to your parner about his. It sounds as though your parner is unwilling to face the reality of the situation.
On a personal note, my own daughter is slightly on the Aspergers syndrome.
Good luck.

[vashti]

You WILL resent this boy one day, and so will she. Kids are tough to raise, even under the best of circumstances, and it is true that they become more difficult with age, especially in a step-family situation. That is why it is important she get a handle on how to parent him properly at a young age.

That said, the only behavior you mentioned that is exceptionally unusual to me is that she is refusing her son the help he needs to keep up with his classmates. Teachers are used to dealing with a wide range of child behaviors, and if they are suggesting special help for this boy, you can be sure he needs it. To be honest, her making excuses and refusing help may equate to possible neglect in my mind.

I'm not sure how beneficial therapy is at the age of 6. It is much more important that your girlfriend learn better parenting skills. Maybe you can look into some sort of classes for the two of you? There will be time for therapy later, should it be necessary

[Kaius]

Thanks for the responses.

I think the reason why she is refusing services is because she doesn't want the boy to be labelled.
Her ex-husband is convinced that the boy has some clinical issues, but my fiancee is in denial.
I just wish we could get him tested, and get him the help that he needs.
He can definitely use speech therapy..... he was speech delayed as a toddler.
My fiancee goes as far as to compare her son with my son, who is actually a "normal" kid.
She always says my 3-year-old son is delayed in words, when in reality he is very articulate...in 2 languages!
I don't know why she is so defensive. Her ex-husband has severe adult ADHD, and her brother is a violent convict serving a life sentence.
I think she is afraid that her son has some bad genes.

[greentea11]

It's kinda sad if she doesn't want to get him help. Try explaining to her he deserves help and it's doing more worse than good not doing anything. The longer a problem persists the harder it is to fix and tell her its hurting your relationship with her and getting close to him.

[bulrush]

So, you are working 14 hour days and your "emotional battery" is low so you can't take the kid acting out.

First, you should see a professional on what you can do to divert this kid's energy.

Second, this kid needs professional help, meaning he needs to be in a special class with teachers that can teach him coping skills. If he doesn't change his behavior he will never be able to hold a job, and will live with you FOREVER. The kid needs to redirect his energy into positive things.

If your finance doesn't get the kid help in 30 days, call it off. I mean it. She cannot be in denial about this. If she's in denial about this, she will be in denial about other things, and that will probably destroy your marriage anyway. So why take the risk with her? You deserve a normal woman who will get her kids help when they need it.

[Kaius]

Thank you for such positive advice. I don't even know how I can approach this without starting a fight. I feel deep down inside she agrees with me.... because the day she cried, she said "why can't he act normal?....I just want him to act normal..."
Last night she and I talked about her deadbeat ex-husband who refused to take a job so he wouldn't have to pay any child support. This guy is a total douche bag because he mooches off of his elderly parents, so he wouldn't have to work.
I am working 14 hours a day because of this asshole....gets me mad just thinking about it. Anyway, she implied that she wanted nothing to do with him, and that if anything happened to the kids, she would have to deal with him....
Then it dawned on me.... If her son were to be diagnosed with some behavioral/psychological disorder, then the deadbeat dad would have more opportunities to be involved in our lives, as he thinks he is the best dad in the world.
He's a delusional f*ck, and I would be damned if I let him enter our lives. Maybe this is why my fiancee is in denial.... I don't know.

[SunRiver]

I'd say you and your significant other could benefit from parenting skill classes and/or counseling along with some type of therapy for your kid. If you can only choose one of these approaches, I'd pick some kind of therapy for the kid. Maybe get a referral from your kid's school, or some kind of family counseling center. If you think his behavior is bad now, imagine how he will be when he gets older. Both his life and YOUR lives will be chaotic. A complete nightmare. Not fun. My advice is to do something NOW. Don't wait. Talk to your fiance and tell her how urgent this is. This is not a time for denial, hesitation, or questioning. You will be miserable if you don't get this kid more under control. For his sake, and YOUR sakes. Think in terms of what could happen if you choose to do nothing. The kid becomes completely uncontrollable, even violent, destroying all peace in your own home. Your fiance could become more and more deeply depressed. You will feel very bad yourself. Your relationship may crumble. And on and on. Hey, life is meant to enjoy. Nip problems in the bud. Do something now. No excuses. If your fiance simply refuses, I hate to be harsh but I would get out of that relationship quick.

[vashti]

Eh, all the therapy in the world isn't going to help if a child doesn't have good guidance.

[SunRiver]

Vashti, I agree. The ideal approach would need to include the whole family in the process. I wasn't clear enough about my opinion in my former post. The therapy would have to be family-centered somehow. I'm no expert on what options are out there but I do know that everyone will have to work together to solve the issue. The key is to get started now. Call around and see what is available out there.