Found out my bf used porn...how do I get over it?

[lwclec072]

ok, so i know this is perfectly normal for men and women, heck i look at porn myself but he has always known this, i asked him and he always told me he hasnt viewed it since he was young. today his friend was over looking through his gamer cd's and my bf yanked them away, i asked what he was hiding he got upset and finally told me. he never showed me, he refused to show me the body type of the girls, he showed me a tiny part of the cd when he broke it **this is what hurts the most....always knew he was into smaller girl the way he looks at them and he said his hottest sex was w/ a 110 pound chick and he says he hates big boobs when mine are pretty large, theyre d's, he denies it but i tried my hardest to believe it, the girls in the video are half my size under 120 pounds, actually smallest ive ever seen in porn online, they are tiny, and i'm 150, he does not have sex w/ me anymore when we do have sex neither of us enjoy it, it's very hurtful, extremely so he knows this but how do i get over the fact that he's into really small girls half my size?

i know this is very immature but it's something, that i've gotten so very close to getting over and this happened, it's really broken our trust, he knows he can be open w/ me, i do not think i could ever get over this, since the incident w/ him looking at jordan capri a 90 pound porn star i've had body image issues, because i know for certain im not physically attractive to him.

any opinions or advice would be great, i may be overreacting, but it hurts and i do not know how to get over it this time...because now it's a fact he is into smaller women...

btw we've been together for a little over 2 yrs.

[Spring Haze]

Even if you were to get over it, your boyfriend, porn or not, has a preference for smaller women. He's not attracted to you, so why don't you break up?

[lesa]

btw we've been together for a little over 2 yrs.

Ywo years huh? Well here's your perfect opportunity to leave this relationship. What will you do?

[Mish]

i know this is very immature but it's something, that i've gotten so very close to getting over and this happened, it's really broken our trust, he knows he can be open w/ me, i do not think i could ever get over this, since the incident w/ him looking at jordan capri a 90 pound porn star i've had body image issues, because i know for certain im not physically attractive to him.

WOW... You know for certain because he told you this or are you making this assumption because he is watching porn with a different type of women to you? You better have some solid evidence for this certainty, because porn alone doesn't count for much. Porn is porn, some people watch porn with midgets it doesn't mean they actually want (or even are attracted to) a midget partner.

Your body image issues are a separate issue, something you should discuss with him if he is not reassuring or supporting you enough.

[Lite]

OK, so basically you think that because he looks at skinny girls that he cannot possibly find you attractive?

Isn't that a bit like saying the man loves Ferraris, and he doesn't like any other car than a Ferrari?

The insecurity is your problem, your issue to deal with. Not his, and you should stop blaming him for it.

The only thing wrong he has done is lie to you, and most likely he lied because he knows you're insecure about your body and didn't want to upset you. (Which doesn't make the fact that he lied any better, but when someone is confrontational rather than just inquiring about it, it pressures you to hide things.)

Grow up, stop worrying about it, move on with your life and relationship. For ****s sake, it's not like he was out screwing another woman.

[Rollerderby]

You're going to have a hard time finding any relationship with someone who doesn't watch porn. After a while, people develop certain preferences, that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you or isn't attracted to you.

It doesn't sound like the porn is really the issue. It sounds like you, for one, have some deeper issues about your own body weight. Maybe he was into having sex with you, but then your insecurity about yourself kind of dropped it off? I'm just speculating.

Why don't you try watching it with him? Porn is just a fantasy, it's a personal thing, and you can't take it as a personal jab at you.

[Aeradalia]

We really need to do a thread over men, porn, and relationship issues about it.

Secure women usually do not have a problem with their men watching porn, so long as it doesn't interfere with their relationship and sex life.

However, a woman's insecurities about their man watching porn can cause relationship issues and poor quality sex. Thus making it harder to determine if it's the porn or the woman's insecurities that is causing the problems.

I would say that it's far more likely for a woman's insecurities to be the root of the problem than a man's moderate interest in porn. Only on rare occasions do men have a severe porn addiction.


To the OP... have you thought to talk about your SO in regards to the porn? More from the angle of curiosity?

I like red-heads... but that doesn't keep me from finding my light-brown haired bf attractive. I like porn portraying group sex (sometimes)... but that doesn't mean I'd want to share myself with anyone other than my bf.

As for him looking at other women... that's a whole other thing... and something men have very little control over. He will look... it's an instinctive thing. The fact that he looks back at you shows the choice he makes over and over again --- wow, that girl's pretty... but I like the one I'm with.

As a general rule... I've noticed that women tend to infer far more from a man's actions than the guy actually gave thought to when he did the action.

For example... you sit next to your guy... he gets up and moves a few inches away. You may think he doesn't like you anymore... he doesn't crave intimacy... the relationship is headed to collapse... so you start to worry and watch him more closely.

Meanwhile.. the guy got up and moved because the AC is broke... it's hot as hell.. and he just wanted to watch tv without burning up from the added temp of your body.

If you ask him why he isn't intimate anymore... it will lead to a long conversation that may weaken the relationship and put doubt in his mind. However, if you asked him why he moved... he'd tell you because it's too hot to sit that close to you.

In this case... asking him why he favors smaller women may never explain what's really going on. Ask him why he watches porn... what he likes about it. You'll probably get closer to the root of what's really going on.

[steelsword]

Break up with him and date me instead.

[oneiron]

it sounds like, and i hope you dont take this as piling on, that the underlying issue is with your own insecurities about your body. you should ask him point blank if he is still attracted to you, and im sure you'd be able to tell whether he's lying or not. i used to be in a relationship where we both kind of let ourselves go. a combination of that and birth control led her to gain quite a bit of weight, and to be honest it did affect our sex lives bc i was just not as attracted to her as in the beginning. the key was being OPEN and HONEST about everything. we did that bc we actually loved each other and then made a plan for both of us to start working out regularly. it helped out immensely bc we were doing things together, had common goals etc and had the added benefit of losing weight etc.

[Gigabitch]

Look, if you were a little 90-pounder with itty bitty boobies, he's be looking at girls with big jugs and you'd be freaking out about that. Boys like variety, visually. It doesn't mean he wants to trade you in on another girl, he's just intrigued by what he doesn't have. It's no comment on you.

My husband tells me that the biggest turn-on in bed for guys is enthusiasm. It's not about body type, race, breast size, etc. as much as it is about being with somebody that wants that junk and wants it bad. All your bf gets in bed these days is a bunch of grief.

Either fix this or move on.

[lesa]

If they are not satisfied in this two years relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, what's the point in trying to fix this misfit?

Isn't that too short a time to have this kind of BS?

Work of self-image and get a man that is delighted to have you as a girlfriend and you are delighted to have him as a boyfriend. Keep the drama for married people or people in long term relationships.

[Cain]

I think this goes beyond variety or him just wanting to look at porn.

The issue here is that they don't have sex often and neither of them enjoy it when they do. I don't think he's physically attracted to you.

So you have two options:

A. Break up with him, or

B. Work on making yourself look better.