Is there anything wrong with him? Or he's just not that into me?

[questiongirl]

We dated for 2 months. In the beginning he told me he really likes me, even begged me to give him another chance when I tried to just stay friends. Then he started to act hot and cold, one day being happy and affectionate with me, the next day cold and distant. He started saying he's just not that into me, feels like something's missing...Everytime I try to be affectionate he would feel guilty because he can't reciprocate, so he would break up with me but would end up wanting to get back together. This repeated couple times. Finally I tried to end it for good, he then called me saying he loves me, he's sure about his feelings now, and even cried on the phone. So we got back together a week later, I asked if he still feel the same and he said yes, said he loves me, but I could feel he's distant. Then the next day, he broke up with me again through txt message and turned off his phone. When I later found him, he cried again saying he felt emotinally tired, he doesnt want to hurt anybody, then we started to talk and during which he became happy again like nothing happened.

This guy is in his early 30s, never had a relationship before because he became extremely shy after being bullied as a child(basically he was a loner), only opened up in his late 20s. He also displayed some weird behaviors: like once he was staring into my eyes trying to see my soul because that's how you fall in love; he also has a weird sense of humor, like he would say somthing totally false with a straight face, so for a moment you can't really tell if he's joking or being serious, and he does it a lot. But generally, he's a very outgoing, friendly and intelligent person(master's degree, multilingual).


So, I've been wondering if the problem is "he's just not that into me," or he has some issues?

[JaneH]

He has too many skeletons in his closet to act like so at age 30...

Unless you want to continually deal with that for the remainder what relationship there is (or isn't), leave.

[starbuck]

Doesn't sound like he's emotionally ready for a relationship. And yeah, at 30 that's a pretty bad sign.

I wouldn't be worried about whether or not he's into you, why are you still into him at this point? Doesn't the back and forth completely turn you off?

[Yggdrasil]

I guess you must love emotional torture and insecurity in your relation(s).

Well, if you're into that kind of weird stuff, hey, by all means, stick with the guy.

[lesa]

I was going to say something similar Yggdrasil.

Questiongirl, do you enjoy that kind of drama? You really did not need to ask these questions.

Try building a relationship with a man without "sexing" him within the first few dates. That way he gets to know the real you and vice versa without sex clouding the mind.

[questiongirl]

Yea, I know a romantic relationship is not gonna work with him.

But we connect really well in terms that we can share a lot of thoughts, talk about a lot of interesting topics (his IQ is very high, although his EQ is like 0). I miss him very much when I read a good book or have some deep thoughts where I'd like to share with him, I also miss laughing over a silly movie or joke with him, I don't really miss him in a romantic/sexual way. This connection is precious to me because I very rarely open up and connect with people on a intellectual&spiritual level, so basically he's almost my "soul mate" without the enough amount of chemistry to put us crazily in love. We tried to stay friends but always end up getting back, so we decided to go no contact, which is why he was crying last time and why I'm confused now. I also want to stay with him as a friend if he really is suffering from some psychological disorder. I feel like I'm abandoning him in some way by leaving completely(he doesn't have many friends), which is part of why I kept getting back with him.

[Yggdrasil]

This connection is precious to me because I very rarely open up and connect with people on a intellectual&spiritual level, so basically he's almost my "soul mate" without the enough amount of chemistry to put us crazily in love. We tried to stay friends but always end up getting back, so we decided to go no contact, which is why he was crying last time and why I'm confused now. I also want to stay with him as a friend if he really is suffering from some psychological disorder, so I also kind of feel like I'm abandoning him in some way.

Ok, read this till you really grasp it: it is impossible to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for.

You say: he's almost your soulmate.

I say: it's all in your mind. You're idealizing him. He's no match.

You say: I'm want to get this guy hooked.

I say: you're on the road to hell. It doesn't work that way. It takes 2 to tango and you're walzing while he's break dancing.

You say: you feel like abandoning him.

I say: you're scared of letting go.

[questiongirl]

I did not say "I want to get this guy hooked." I said I'm aware the relationship thing is not going to work. I'm not even that physically attracted to him that's why I don't miss him in a sexual way. And everytime it was him doing the break up then asking to get back thing, I never ever asked to get back with him, nor did I ever cry. What I said is I really miss the intellectual/spiritual connection between us. I'm also worried he's suffering some psychological issues without knowing it. "it is impossible to be friends with someone you have romantic feelings for." This is more on topic.

[Yggdrasil]

Why is it that I have the impression you're trying to find justifications to keep this guy around?

Are you in need of company? Do you feel lonely?

I mean (and I am trying to figure things out here): there are more guys in the world, probably even more compatible with you then he is.

Why do you keep on hanging on to him?

Let him go. Why try to avoid the unavoidable and terrorize the both of you emotionaly?

This is the kind of 'game' teenagers play, not mature grown up people.

Seriously, how much more pain and hurt are you going to put him (and probably also you) through?

What has he done to hurt you that you're contemplating going on with this emotional torture?

I don't understand your motivations...

[questiongirl]

Why do you keep blaming me after I explained? Why you keep saying I'm hanging on to him, keeping him around, and I'm putting him through pains? Did you read my posts? I repeatedly said it was always him who keeps asking to get back with me, he would call, text non-stop until I answer the phone, then he would say he was running from his own fear, or he was making assumptions, or he just realized he loves me, or he would cry....I just end up taking him back. The very last time he turned off his phone, disappeared the whole day where he had previous plans made, that's when I got worried and tried to find him. But even then I never asked to get back, I just comforted him when he was crying and told him this is a good decision for both of us. So, never once I asked him to get back together although I'm more sure about my own feelings.

Maybe I'm not making it clear, I think it's quite possible after sometime he would try to get in touch with me again tryig to be just friends, I'm not sure how I should handle it then, for the reasons stated above.

[lesa]

Ah, you don't ask him to come back but you do initiate phone calls to see how he is doing?

Nevermind him, why do you like this type of drama even for a friendly companion type of relationship?

What is up with you?

[questiongirl]

Only the last time I initiated phone call, just once, if I'm to be blamed for that. All other times it was him calling me.

[questiongirl]

I don't like the drama. I liked the non-drama part of our relationship. I doubt he's gonna be so dramatic if we're only friends.

[lesa]

I don't understand what you mean by blame. I don't think anyone is blaming you for anything here.

However, to help you with this issue you have, I need to know why do you put up with this behavior he has. Don't describe him. Describe only you.

For example, do you feel that you cannot have other friends to talk philosophy? Do you feel you would be to blame if he harms himself or never gets friends? Do you feel you must save him to make yourself feel helpful? What makes YOU do the things that you do. After all, you can only control your behavior.

[lesa]

I don't like the drama. I liked the non-drama part of our relationship. I doubt he's gonna be so dramatic if we're only friends.

Sorry to say but it doesn't work like that. I'm sure many abused women (and men) say that about the person that beats them every now and again.