I feel like a Jerk

[Goo10Tag]

I got to know a girl that lives relatively close to me. Both of us are 20 and we have known eachother on a first-name basis for about a month or so. We really don't have too much time to talk in person...so I'll catch her online once in a while and chat ..or on the phone. Well about a week 1/2 ago I went to hang out with her. I wouldn't call her a really attractive girl...she just looks like she's a lot older in the face for her age...lets just say she's not my ideal girl. She is also a little bigger than I would like..but we all have our faults. I know this girl would like us to be more than friends (and im not trying to be cocky here) but I know if i asked for something more she would grant it. She is a very kind and sweet girl...but I know I would not be happy to be in a relationship with her...and I feel I only talk to her so something physical will happen.

So basically I feel I am leading her on...and I cannot force myself to let her know that I am not interested relationship wise. Part of it is that I feel a little alone. It has also been a good year since I have had a relationship/ or anything physical..so I'm basically starved for female contact...and I think maybe a little time with her will satisfy my hunger for that. Sometimes I feel i should just eliminate all contact with her before I do somethign to hurt her. I just feel the brain in my pants has more control over me than the one in my head. Have any of you been in that position before? Any advice?

[Ellynn]

No I haven't been in your position....but I have been in the girls position. Don't use her. Do the right thing and just tell her that even though you think she is nice....that your not interested. yes it will hurt her....but its best to be honest with her right away...... The more time you invest with this girl....the more its gonna hurt her.....so end it now and quickly....

Find someone who can emotionally handle the no strings attached thing.....
Or find another girl who you do find very attractive......and want to be with.

[Ellynn]

Oh wanted to add another thing.. Your not a jerk for not finding someone attractive. You can't help who you are attracted to and who you aren't....

What would make you a jerk is leading her on and using her just for "a little fun" until your next relationship comes along....

Unless of course she understands that you DO NOT want a relationship and is cool with just having sex.....but i highly doubt it. Best not to go there.

[updraft]

go and rent a porn

[Airborne]

Aye, or a prostitute. Safe and easy and you don't hurt anyone in the process.

[gHEXjt]

go and rent a porn

I find that I only enjoy porn when I'm in a relationship, as terrible as that may seem. I might just be the exception though. The rest of the time porn doesn't do much for me.

[clynn]

Oh. It makes me sad to read this. Men really are like this, aren't they?

I don't just mean that you want to get lucky with her, but that you actually talk to her SOOO much to get lucky with her. I mean, wouldn't it be easier just to head out to a bar for a night and have a one night stand? Not develop a friendship / relationship and make it all complicated and stuff....?

I mean, how's a girl ever to really know? I mean...she waits to have sex with you and you guys have spent time developing a friendship first and then you eventually get it on....

a girl might as well just liberate herself. What's the point in waiting? You can get toyed with no matter what.

[BFTrick]

i have been in your situation.

and i have dated girls that i would not have dated normally, they might have a few good qualities but they are not really....my type. ya know? they are the type you might get a crush on.

now after dating them i feel more like an animal, something controlled by my hormones.

believe me its not a good feeling. i regret it still, and this was like a year or two ago.

alteratively - try a friend with benefits??

[Goo10Tag]

Ah--I was afraid someone like clynn would think im evil. No--I have not acted on it yet. To be honest I've had girls treat me like dirt in most cases. One girl I've known for years---we grew up together--we waited a long time before we ever did anything. But now she's out looking for guys with money in the bank...climbing her way up the ladder..I guess that's her priority in life.

I dunno your "guys really are like this" comment made me feel like a criminal...yes some will do it without caring. I don't do it on a regular basis..in fact I've never used a girl like that...just a little afraid the other night I had an urge to do so..but I was smart enough to hold back.

It's hard for me just to stop talking to her. A lot of time it's just small talk and the like. I would feel bad if I just ignored her and didn't answer her phone calls...that's another reason I keep talking to her. It's just I know she wants to be more than friends and I don't. And I don't want to upseter her by telling her that. Where would you all advise I go from here.

[Goo10Tag]

Oh--and to reply to what ellyn said (good advice by the way), I would rather find a girl I care for...but that's been really difficult..guess I'll have to hang in there.

[Ellynn]

Oh--and to reply to what ellyn said (good advice by the way), I would rather find a girl I care for...but that's been really difficult..guess I'll have to hang in there.

Yes hang in there and please don't cross that line to being a jerk. I strongly dislike guys who do that to girls... The good thing is you have a heart and asked us about it first....

If you feel bad about cutting things off completely with the girl....make it VERY clear you like her as a friend. Theres nothing wrong with being friends with her....just be clear what you want from her....which is nothing more then friendship.

[Goo10Tag]

Thanks for the reply--you have a good point. I want to find a girl I can respect---just that I'm not getting any younger (well im not that old in all reality), but I guess I am getting anxious. I'll keep you posted on how it goes.

[clynn]

hey - is she the one who is doing most of the phone calling, etc?
or do you make some moves also in that way?

if it is coming from her a lot, maybe you can be less responsive with returning her phone calls. Not return them as promptly, etc. Her interest will begin to dwither I think a little, or she will gradually get the hint, which is a nice way to get the hint.

[Goo10Tag]

Thanks Clynn, yeah---I've been using that strategy a bit to give her a hint. I'm just not sure if she is getting the idea though. Maybe I'll post some of the stuff she says to give you an idea of what we're talking about.

[clynn]

sure, do that.