Control

[RLM10_2_06]

So, I've always frowned upon controlling relationships. I hate nothing more than seeing some guy pushing around his girlfriend, or some guy who's so "whipped" that he can't think for himself, or even friendships where "friends" get so angry that when they don't get their way that they get physical to ensure that they do. It's always bothered me, and yet...for a couple months, I found myself doing it.

This girl and I were together for close to three years; we had our ups and downs, but things were good. She went a little nuts here at college, but after spending the summer with her grandparents, she seemed to have stopped being so crazy (crazy referring to the typical binge drinking, going out partying, etc.; her religion didn't agree with this, and neither did I). Then we meet up for the tail end of summer, and she starts dating other people behind my back. This goes on with a couple different guys for a few months; I kept trying to nip it in the bud, but every time I'd do something, she'd claim I was "being a control freak" and take off to her "friend's room" (lied to me about the friend; turned out she was sleeping with some other guy). At first, it was a simple matter of "Okay, where are you headed tonight" and "Let me know when you get back", and I would always stay up to make sure she made it home safe and whatnot. When this guy thing became an issue, I started asking if he would be there (always tried to hide it, sometimes lied about it), and after a while, I started checking her phone and computer to see what she was up to. Guess what I found! She FINALLY had the courage to dump me, and that was that.

Now, however, I'm in a new relationship, which has suffered because my ex was in the picture, trying to "spend time with me" (basically, muscle the new girl out of my life). The ex is finally OUT of the picture, though, so I can focus on this new relationship. To be honest, though, I'm scared. I know that she liked this other guy and they ended up "breaking it off" because he's leaving next semester, but I know it's not so easy to just ABANDON something like that. It's not that I don't trust her, even though I can't trust him at ALL, or that I have anything to worry about at all, really. I just...fear paranoia kicking in and becoming controlling again.

Checking the old girl's phone was a big deal; I promised her I wouldn't, and I still did. I don't LIKE being controlling like that, and I sure as hell don't like not being completely trustworthy! New girl has given me no reason not to trust her, and I trust her completely. I just fear something somewhere happening, and me going all controlling and whatnot. That was the first time I ever "controlled" anybody like that, and I want it to be the last; it disgusts me.

I guess what I'm asking is...now do I know I just haven't become one of those crazy controlling people I hate so much? How do I AVOID it? And more than that, how do I ensure that new girl doesn't fear the same thing? I know that she shares some friends with my ex, so I'm sure she's heard more than a few things, some true, some not. Is it right of me to question her about what her friends have said? I feel like I've lost the line of controlling and don't know how to fix it...

[girl68]

You never really got over being betrayed did you? You think that since one girl did ALL girls do. Well let that go, it simply isn't true. This is your problem, and yours only and you'll drive her away if you continue. Perhaps a forum isn't your best option, perhaps you should seek the advice of a counsellor. You focus always on the maybes, the what ifs, start focusing on the now, the what she tells you, the how she acts towards you- that means boatloads more than whatever nasty thoughts you're brewing in your head.

[warriormaiden]

Sounds like you need to learn to let go, and stop focusing on so much in the past. I don't think you're morphing in to a controlling guy, you were just pushed to do things you didn't want to do, because of the deceit.

Stop letting issues concerning your ex and what happened in the past influence you in your present. Just let all that excess baggage go, and relax and be certain in the truth of your current relationship.

[red_sparrow]

well, to be honest i don't blame you at all. you were hurt before and now you are afraid of the same thing happening. my BF had a really crazy ex-girlfriend, and how he idealizes me and thinks I am the greatest woman on the earth. i don't understand how this happens. he feels so guilty for his previous relationship, and for having dated such a useless shit-bag. i know i differ in that i am educated / she is a crackhead / I am independent / she was needy, but I am surprised that i don't see any kind of weird leftover behaviours from her.

[reeba]

Your experience and your reaction to that experience is EXACTLY why I tell people their bad relationship is not going to change with time, and to get out of bad relationships ASAP. Staying in a bad relationship ruins you for future relationships. Your ex girlfriends cheating (rebellion agaisnt her upbringing) has ruined your 'trust' in your current/future relationships.

Counseling in school is free. Might give it a try. Because you will have the exact same issue in your next relationship.

You were NOT controlling to your ex. She was rebelling against you just like she was rebelling against her parents. Anything that was stopping her from partying and sleeping around, in her immature mind, was stopping or 'controlling her' from doing self destructive things. Your only mistake was putting up with that, and not just leaving right away. And like I said, now you are paying the cost with 'trust issues' and calling yourself 'controlling'.

[twinrexes]

As doctor Phil says, the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. But that doesn't cross over from one person to another! Your ex is probably still out there messing around but that doesn't mean this new lady will do it! Stop predicting the future or it will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you get all hung up on whether she's going to cheat on you or not, then you start seeing the world through jealous and paranoid glasses. That's bound to sabotage your relationship.