Hi everyone. I’m new … and I’m going through a situation that I think most people would think unusual. A bit about me … I’m male, in my late thirties, married more than 10 years, two kids. I also suffer from depression, but I’m on medication and that is currently (mostly) under control. Problem is I just split up with the love of my life, and she wasn’t my wife. I’m devastated, shattered, heart broken, don’t know how to go on. Sounds like the classic case of the cheating husband? Well its far from the case, and I’ll explain why. This is going to be kind of long – one of the things my psychologist said was good therapy was to write out all the emotions, pour them out. I’m supposed to be doing it via pen and paper then destroying it. I may well do so – but for now I googled for a forum because I need someone to talk to. As you will come to see I cant really talk to people I know about this, so I am hoping a community such as this where I can remain anonymous will help me.
I need to give you some background before this situation makes sense. I’ll try and keep it as brief as possible while including what needs to be said. So here goes.
I’ve never been the sort of guy to have casual relationships. I’m an emotional person, I feel things deeply and for better or worse I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve. I had a childhood sweetheart, we flirted a lot as kids do but when she moved away when I was 16 we stayed in touch and one thing led to another and we realized that we were in love. We had a long distance relationship for two years and then when I turned 18 I left home and my city to be with her. It went really well for a time, we were well matched in terms of intimacy and sex drive. I was head over heels, at 20 even though we were still so young I began to think of marriage. Unfortunately she started to waver and eventually she betrayed me – slept with a workmate (in our bed) on Christmas Eve of all times – I was back home with my family for a week at that time. Anyway it dragged on for a month with me desperately trying to hold on, she wavered but finally left me for him. I was shattered, it took me a long, long time to recover from that. I swore a vow that I would never, ever betray anyone like that and cause the pain I went through.
So anyway a few years passed and I moved back to my hometown. I didn’t have any relationships for a few years, I was lonely, and I think this prolonged the pain of what happened. Eventually though I met a girl where I was working who was very different, very safe, reliable, not very adventurous but we clicked on an intellectual level and we started to date. Looking back now I think I was desperately lonely, and while I did fall in love, the physical and intimate side that is so important to me wasn’t there. As I said, I’m an emotional person and I love to kiss and cuddle and just be generally physical, and I have a reasonably high sex drive. I love pleasing my partner though so I am always more that happy to spend time focusing on her. She didn’t really seem to enjoy this though – she was a virgin at age 23 I think we were at the time. I kinda just thought she’s inexperienced and with time she will ‘grow into it’.
Anyway after 12 months we got engaged and were married 13 months later. Things were fine and although we were having sex, it was still very one sided, insofar as I did all the initiating and all the “work” if I can put it this way. By now it was starting to cause some tension but I still thought I could win her to it, she just seemed very shy and unhappy with her body. I thought if I persisted eventually she would come to enjoy it.
Then we had children, so that kind of put passion on the backburner for a while as it tends to do. We are very fortunate and had a boy and a girl, two beautiful and healthy kids. But as they grew from babies into children the old problems resurfaced. One thing at least we got better at communicating about it, and I came to realize it wasn’t that she wasn’t trying – its just that she had no drive at all. Left to her own devices she would be quite happy without sex. For her love was about deep companionship, where as for me it is of course about that, but also intimacy, touch, and mutual pleasure. We overcame the issue by scheduling sex … a couple of times a week. That worked for her because she knew when to expect it and didn’t have to worry outside those times. I was satisfied for a while but it became very mechanical, to the point where I may as well have being taking care of it myself.
A couple more years passed and then something happened. I was on a work trip with a female colleague, we had dinner, more wine than we should, and before I knew it we ended up in her room kissing passionately. It was amazing, from being married to a woman for years who doesn’t even kiss to suddenly having this passionate encounter. But despite everything … I stopped it, I didn’t want to go through with it, because even as drunk as I was I remembered my vow and how painful it is to be betrayed. So although there was some heavy kissing eventually I detached and left before it could go any further. In the morning we both felt terrible and agreed it was a mistake and nothing came of it. I felt guilty for a long time but still happy that I was able to stop. But I also had a taste of what I was missing and it made the situation at home even more frustrating for me.
That was five years ago, now we get to the core of the story ( I wonder if anyone is still reading!). I play some online games and a few years back I had fallen into a group of guys and gals we played online. One girl in particular I became really good friends with, she was a little flirty and so was I to be honest, but it was all harmless fun. At least for a while. Then about a year ago I had another worktrip to her home town, we decided to meet up for dinner. We had a wonderful night, nothing happened, but the seed was definitely sown. We definitely liked each other.
We continued to play online and became closer and closer friends. So close in fact that we started discussing our problems –I eventually told her of my unhappiness at home, although I still enjoyed my wife’s companionship I was desperately missing passion in my life. She (my friend) was married to and had a young daughter, but something was missing for her as well. Not the sexual side for her, but her and her husband didn’t seem to do a lot together.
Anyway January this year another work trip came up and we agreed to meet for dinner again. I actually had to stop over in her town before catching a train at noon the next day to my ultimate destination. So we went out for dinner, then had some drinks, then some more. We stayed out talking until 5am, were were just clicking so well. We both wanted something to happen but I had my vow so nothing did. I stayed at her place but slept on the couch, and left in the morning. Then on the train the next day I get a text from her saying … I wish you had kissed me. I answered … I wish I did too. And it took off from there, and boy did it take off.
I was away for a week on this trip and pretty much every minute I wasn’t working I was texting or talking to her. It became really intense really fast, the more I knew about this girl the more I wanted to be with her. She was passionate, loved sex, yet also warm, kind and we shared a ton of interests. I knew I had to be with her. So somehow by the time I returned home I had decided I was going to speak to my wife. This sounds a bit like an ultimatum, and I guess it was, although I tried hard not to deliver it this way. I felt strongly enough about this girl and the passion she offered to take the risk. I said to my wife that the earlier incident had happened, and now this one. I told her I had not betrayed her and I never wanted to, but I was scared that because I needed passion in my life one day I would, no matter how much I didn’t want to. I said 80% of me was content with our life but the other 20% was dying. I said I didn’t want that 20% to poision our 80%. So basically I asked her if she would let me have my 20% on the side to address the part of me that was dying. And she said yes, as long as I didn’t humiliate her or tell anyone.
So it was on. I’ve just realized how long this already is so I will try and speed it up. Basically I went to her hometown twice and we had an amazing time. The sex, intimacy, passion, it was all I had imagined. We clicked so well, too well, because as soon as we were together it immediately was more than sex. We both fell desperately in love. We stayed in almost constant contact via text and messenger, and it just got deeper day by day. She spoke to her husband to and initially he tolerated it as well. I know that seemed strange but he (on the surface at least) understood she was missing something.
But of course this couldn’t last. Her husband realized that it was more than just a fling that it was getting really serious and of course this troubled him, although he continued to allow it to happen. My wife was happy to turn a blind eye. But after a couple of months my girlfriend and I began to realize that this was really serious and we both felt so strongly that we started to want to be together … permanently. But the obstacles were so great … we were in different cities, we both had partners, we both had children. The children really were the key … if one of us moved, it would likely mean giving up the kids, all of whom were still relatively young. There seemed no easy answer.
And so to the crux. On Monday we were chatting as usual when she suddenly said I’ve been thinking. I said I don’t like the sound of this. She told me her husband was really going downhill, was now on anti-depressants, and she was worried he might do something silly. She also said it was starting to wear on her having to lie to 90% of the people in her life. So I said something like I don’t want to hurt other people, and then suddenly before you knew it we were agreeing it had to stop. I immediately deleted her from facebook, my phone, twitter, all forms of contact. I was in shock for the rest of the day.
It didn’t quite end there. We had some final email traffic over the last 24 hours. I sent her one saying that I would really miss her friendship and that she should always believe in herself because I always would and my spirit would always be there to lift her up. She replied almost instantly saying she had lost interest in everything, it was so painful, couldn’t we be together one more time, she was nothing without me, she feared she had made the worst decision of her life letting me go, and she loved me.
I knew then I could have gone back and said be with me, lets run away, and I think it could have happened. But instead what I said was it cant happen, we have to live for our children, they have to be the focus. There were a couple more short mails but then she finally sent one saying it was killing her and she really was cutting all contact, deleting all email accounts, everything. That was the final message, that was yesterday.
So here I am now, sitting at home, alone. I’ve taken a few days off work, my wife is at work, the kids are at school. I’m dying inside. My heart is broken, shattered, destroyed, my soul is torn asunder. I love this girl with a love I have never felt before. Worse, I know she loves me just as much. Somehow I have to deny, forget this love.
I am a blind man who has always been blind, and then for two glorious months I could see, see the world in all its colours and glory. And now I am blind again. The pain is indescribable.
Things are strained between my wife and I. She knows, I’ve told her the full story. In some ways she is amazing, being tolerant. In other ways though its excruciating because I can’t find the comfort I need from her. She still wants to stay with me. Part of me wants to stay but now I know what I’ve been missing all these years I am scared that it cant be enough anymore. Then I will lose both of them.
The pain I feel is immense, I cannot begin to describe. I am already on antidepressants but I am terrified I will fall back into the black pit. At the moment it’s the pain that’s too sharp, I’m worried when that starts to dull the depression will claim me again.
How do you stop loving someone so perfect when you know they love you just as much. Part of me desperately wants to contact her and say please, anything, I’ll give it all up, let’s just run away and be together. The only thing stopping me is my children.
How do you stop? I don’t WANT to let her go, I don’t WANT to forget her, I don’t WANT to lose the special friendship we built.
But I am. And it hurts, it hurts like knives thrust into my heart. I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to carry on.
That’s my story. Sorry it was so long.
All I feel is pain , sorrow and loneliness, and a feeling that I have just given up a woman that was so, so perfect for me.