How do I help my partner move forward?

[bkh]

My boyfriend and I have had our share of conflicts, arguments, etc. but we always get through them. We can go months without ever having a conflict, but then when we do, he tends to bring up any/everything from the past that has negatively affected our relationship! The first few times this happened, I just dealt with the situation at hand. We recently got into an argument & this vicious cycle continued... this time it really bothered me because we have gotten pretty serious in our relationship over the past year (as in we see a future together) and it's starting to worry me that this is going to happen every time we have an argument! My past is my past for a reason, I cannot keep reliving it every time we have a serious issue. It's not healthy for either of us.

It's only happened a handful of times, in fact the majority of the time things in our relationship are GREAT but when something does arise it definitely gets blown out of proportion due to the fact my boyfriend always finds a way to drag the past into it. But because our relationship is getting serious, I am seeking any/all advice on how to help my partner move forward from the past. I know everyone deals with things differently, we are a prime example- I move forward quickly because I believe life if too short to dwell on the past as where he seems to hang on to things, hold grudges easily, etc. I WANT to at least TRY to help him move forward....otherwise I'm afraid this vicious cycle will continue and I would hate not spending my future with him... :-/

[pisces25]

You can't do anything to help him, he needs to be the one to do it.

[Saya]

Whenever you have fights, do you and your bf solve the fight completely or just avoid it and move on or solve it little bit and not solve it completely?

[searock]

Did something happen in the past that affected him particularly? Does he bring up one specific thing when you argue, or random bits and pieces of shared experiences? If it's the former - have you two ever openly discussed the event, rather than stuffing it under the carpet pretending it never happened, for the sake of your relationship? If so, I think it's time to pull it back out again and deal with it, your relationship now sounds strong enough to bear it.

If he refers to any argument you had in the past, and not just one in particular, go back to Saya's spot-on question.

If he refers to any argument you had in the past even though you had solved it completely and moved on, then perhaps he is doing it to manipulate you with guilt. How do you react when he brings up the past? Do you tend to feel guilty and therefore just say that he's right and you're sorry? If so, stop doing that, disregard the things he says about the past completely, and soon enough he'll realize his method isn't working.

[nerdy_guy]

I move forward quickly because I believe life if too short to dwell on the past as where he seems to hang on to things, hold grudges easily, etc.

This "vicious cycle" that you speak of. It actually depends on what happened before. Maybe what you've done is a recurring theme of yours which you don't bother correcting.


I don't think people bring up the past if it doesn't happen again.

[bkh]

Yes, there are some things that have happened in the past that he didn't necessarily like....Many of these things that he didn't like happened before he asked me to be his girlfriend but I guess you could say they happened when we were "seeing" each other, just not fully committed yet. I didn't hook up with anyone, or anything close to that! They were definitely things that had I known at the time they were going to hurt him, I would have never done them! To me, that's just proof as to why we hadn't committed yet because we were still getting to know each other...Once he asked me to be his girlfriend, my focus was completely on him, I knew him a lot better, etc... I wanted to spend every free moment I had with him.

Yes, we have discussed it, and even got to a point where he said he wanted to move passed it all and for the most part I thought we were...so when a small comment is made like the one he made recently it makes me feel like he isn't over it & it's still lingering in the back of his head. I of course have apologized for what I did to upset him in the past and he KNOWS my intentions were never to hurt him... It makes me feel like he doesn't see the true me which is a person who cares so much for him.

We are incredibly supportive of one another with just about everything in life because that's what partners do, so I want to help him learn how to not dwell on things, because it's not healthy for anyone, especially him.

[nerdy_guy]

Many of these things that he didn't like happened before he asked me to be his girlfriend but I guess you could say they happened when we were "seeing" each other, just not fully committed yet

Based on this, I think he was hoping that your problem gets corrected over the course of the relationship. Any progress?

Yes, we have discussed it, and even got to a point where he said he wanted to move passed it all and for the most part I thought we were

To be fair with you, maybe something happened in the past with an ex-girlfriend of his which he had a hard time getting over with, and now, he's seeing that same thing with you and is not giving you enough chance to fix it. You know, its a "sins of the father" kind of thing. You're paying for the price his ex-girlfriend did to him which in some ways is understandable, but is never acceptable.

[bcgirl]

well if the past meant you being unfaithful to him....then i can understand why he can't just forget such things. But if you've never done anything remotely close to betraying him....then he has no reason to be like that. You can sit him down when you two are over the fighting and have a mature talk with him about why he feels the way he does and try to let him know that you've never done anything to hurt him. He probably in his mind is picturing the worst of what you did....so if you come clean and tell him the truth....the truth may not be so bad and he can get over whatever his imagination has created about your past.