i was physically/mentally abuse by my mother, should I tell him?

[interracial]

first of all, i am sorry for my poor English, English is not my first language.

During my childhood, mom angry at dad for cheating, so mom take out her anger on me.
One time when dad out on weekend business trip, mom physically beaten me, hit me.
I went to school with bruises on arms, and red slap handmarks across my face.
School teachers saw it, call police, and this went to court for domestic 'child abuse' court order to take me away to 'foster home' for few years.

Afterward i was return home, mom stop beaten me but still mentally abuse, and belittle me everyday.
I endure this to my 18 birthday, damage mom done to me was too much that i move out away from her.
so more more than a decade, i survive on my own. So mom is out of he picture, she no longer a part of my life.
Though i do go back home to visit my old father (who never abuse me) twice a month.

I'm 30 now, and I been dating this guy age 29, so far the relationship is so good, thanks to he puts alot of effort into it. It is his persistent and steady affection to carried this whole relationship through.

Appearantly my abusive past still haunt me, sometimes i re-read all the police report, and courts papers of "how" she beaten me, i still find myself in tears.

Seem like my mother abuse me in my childhood still hurt subconsciously inside me.
My BF sometimes stay over at my place. One-two times he saw I cried in my sleep, tears dropped down my face.
He was sleeping next to me, he saw it. He got very worried, and wakes me up; and I saw my pillow was wet with tears, so I definately DID cried.

He knows that something bothering me, but i refused to talk about it, and he respect that. And he said whenever im ready to talk, he'll be there.

We are in a monogamous commited relationship, he buy matching promise rings to wear to show commitment, and he always wear the ring. So i believe he is serious about this relationship.

So how do i break it to him about my mother mentally abuse me and physically beaten me in my childhood?
Would my BF get freak out that i was abusive by my mother in the past? Would he run away over this?

Do he must know about this abusive past of mine? would he feel sad/feel pity for me?
I don't want him to stay with me out of pity love, hope this make sense...

any advice is greatly appreciated, thank you
especially from the guys viewpoints, do you MIND your gf had a mother that mentally and physically abuse her when she little?

[lovebroken]

It is normal for the events of your past to still be affecting you as an adult especially if your mother never changed or accepted her part and it was left as it was, and you might not have had therapy to help you find ways to work past things for yourself. I think it is a big part of you and if you love him you should share, he can in no where blame you, it is only on your mother the blame of this and he will then understand your pain and tears and other things you don't even realize you may be doing that he may already notice in you. He will feel sad because he loves you, that feeling is not pity. Oh just read you'd prefer a male viewpoint, sorry, I am female but there is my advice to you. If me I would tell him first time I cried about it around him. Good luck.

[dickriculous]

Would he run away over this?

Hypothetically speaking, let's say the answer is yes. Do you want to be with someone that you fear would run away over this? I'm thinking the answer is probably no, it would certainly be no if I were you. If you're talking about committing to someone for life, it needs to be someone who's going to accept what you've been through and is willing to work with you on it.

Let's paint an alternate scenario here - it's obvious that your relationship with your mother has been affecting you this whole time and that's probably not going to stop. How long do you think you can hide it? Another year? Even that long? Sooner or later it's going to come out, it's influence on you is too prominent for that not to be the case. So let's say you withhold this information until you've been married for 3 years, have a kid on the way, and THEN he finds out about it and it turns into a gigantic mess that should have been resolved years before. Not exactly an ideal situation is it?

If I were your bf I would absolutely want to know, especially if, as implied by this being in the marriage forum, that a lifelong future together were on the horizon. I wouldn't propose until I found out what something like that was. I would know that it's something that affects you very profoundly and without knowing what it is or if it's something that could affect our relationship years down the road, I would feel like if I were proposing to you I would be proposing blindly, and that's something that I personally am not willing to do, even if I were deeply in love.

For what it's worth, what you're saying about your bf makes it sound like he would be supportive of you if you were to tell him. I know I only have text on a screen to go by but when he says "whenever im ready to talk, he'll be there" that's usually a good sign, it sounds like he knows it's something serious and he's willing to listen and help you through it.

On a final note, bottling this away all this time isn't helping. Being abused and then locking it away inside them without ever properly addressing it and getting the help they need is how people who have been abused become abusers themselves. I'm not saying that this is a foregone conclusion with you but it is something you need to consider if you haven't already.

[Wakeup]

Just tell him. I'm sure he's worried about why you're crying in your sleep. I also suggest that you get the therapy you need to overcome what she (your mother) has made you endure. You're obviously still suffering from the effects of abuse and it would do you a world of good to learn how to get in touch and be able to nurture your inner child.

I could send you links on that subject but the info would probably be lost on you without professional guidance. Don't let her abuse of you in the past keep affecting your future. Don't let her win in that way.

[fearoflove]

Abuse from parents is a common thing for many people. So, your past is not unique or exceptionally traumatic. I have experienced the same thing and many of my friends had been slammed in the head by glass bottles by parents, neglected, hit on a daily basis, etc.

You just have to get over it. The past is the past; memory is just stories you recount in your head. It isn't real and you are not in real danger now. Why are you making yourself suffer by retelling these stories in your head. Get out of the victim mindset.

[pcmaster]

It looks like he loves you and nothing you say to him can change that.

[interracial]

I was belittle, and verbally put down/mentally abuse by my mother throughout my whole childhood.
The physical abuse did stop, but the belittle verbally continues till I get old enough and left the house.

This was 1 time 'physical' abuse, but the verbally abuse is worst, as it leave me with emotional scars.
Just picture being verbally abuse, and put down/belittle everyday of your life until you 18
That is alot of enduring, since it results me to have low self-esteem, low self-worth, and insecure, and this effect my relationship with my boyfriend.

The physical abuse she beat me with a belt, I was bruise and red tearing on my skin too, and she slap me across my face many times.
I went to school with bruises on my arms, and redmarks across my face. The school teach called police, and it went to court, and court take me away to 'foster home' for a while.
Maybe it nothing big to other kids, but I guess to me it a big deal, since it still haunts me subconciously.

It is effecting me since I build up walls inside myself to protect my 'emotions' from getting hurt. And I can't find myself to give into him fully on the "emotional" side.
Like when we have sex, he likes to look at my facial emotions, and I get very embarrassed! I don't want him to see my face 'emotions', I guess I am scare to show him how I 'emotionally' feels.

[Wakeup]

Fearoflove has her own ongoing emotional issues and problems with the opposite sex to deal with so telling you to just get over it isn't exactly a cure for what ails her or you.

Get yourself to a psychologist who will (hopefully) help you to regain some of that self-worth your mother whittled away at until you were able to be on your own.

If you care about yourself and how you fair in ALL of your interactions and relationships... not just the romantic ones... you will seek out the therapy you need.

[dontaskme]

Abuse from parents is a common thing for many people. So, your past is not unique or exceptionally traumatic. I have experienced the same thing and many of my friends had been slammed in the head by glass bottles by parents, neglected, hit on a daily basis, etc.

You just have to get over it. The past is the past; memory is just stories you recount in your head. It isn't real and you are not in real danger now. Why are you making yourself suffer by retelling these stories in your head. Get out of the victim mindset.

Wow... I didn't know that parental abuse is common? Hmmmm.... I was never abused by my parents nor do I know of anyone in life that were abused by their parents, but then, I live in the US of A where parents can get incarcerated for child abuse or molestation.

Yeah OP, I think that the above poster has big time issues herself to tell you to just move on and carry on with life as if you can just throw all those unpleasant memories out the window. Listen to Wakeup... You need serious help. Try to get some therapy if you can.

And kudos to fearoflife.... oops, I mean fearoflove for such the valuable insight and opinion (heavy sarcasm and smh!).

- - - Updated - - -

And pcmaster and interracial, why are you thanking fearoflife.... ooops I did it again, fearoflove for such a shitty advice? Smh once again!

[fearoflove]

Wow... I didn't know that parental abuse is common? Hmmmm.... I was never abused by my parents nor do I know of anyone in life that were abused by their parents, but then, I live in the US of A where parents can get incarcerated for child abuse or molestation.

Yeah OP, I think that the above poster has big time issues herself to tell you to just move on and carry on with life as if you can just throw all those unpleasant memories out the window. Listen to Wakeup... You need serious help. Try to get some therapy if you can.

And kudos to fearoflife.... oops, I mean fearoflove for such the valuable insight and opinion (heavy sarcasm and smh!).

- - - Updated - - -

And pcmaster and interracial, why are you thanking fearoflife.... ooops I did it again, fearoflove for such a shitty advice? Smh once again!

Considering you have never been in the same situation and never been in contact with anyone who had, you wouldn't really understand. The OP can either spend thousands of dollars on therapy or she can help herself out of this. Her description of the abuse is actually way less worse than I expected. What the OP need to do now is stop feeling sorry for herself, it is only making things worse. She got a few hits and some verbal abuse, so what? Millions of people experience physical pain from illness and disease, death, and poverty. She has a good. She has a bf and she is safe. She has to stop identifying with the past which does not exist.

[fearoflove]

OP, have you thought about becoming spiritual? You can get help for living in a healthy state of mind without spending a lot of money. There are videos online that are available to you and they are all free.

This is a good channel to check out:

[url]https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcYzLCs3zrQIBVHYA1sK2sw[/url]

This video takes a bit of patience but it applies to you especially near the end:

[url]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w1VH_UHeZko[/url]

There are alot of people who cares about you. It is evident here. All you have to do is post a thread and there are replies from people who want to help you. You have a good bf and you are not in harm. The negative emotions you are feeling inside of you are self-created. Emotions are felt inside of each person, right? It doesn't exist outside of the person. You are dealing with memories/the past that doesn't exist.

[interracial]

It wasn't just 'a few' hits and 'some' verbal abuse, fearoflove
The verbal abuse, belittle, put downs by my mother lasted until the day I move out of the house, I was 18 when I move out.
So it lasted for 18 years, evreyday, daily for 18 years. That was NOT simple as 'some'

I was belittle, and verbally put down/mentally abuse by my mother throughout my whole childhood.
Just picture a child being put down/belittle everyday of her life, to me it was alot of enduring.
Since it results me to have low self-esteem, low self-worth, and make me not feel confident in myself.

My mother did physical abuse one time when I was little.
She beaten me with a belt, I was bruise and red tearing on my skin too, and she slap me across my face many times.
I went to school with bruises on my arms, and redmarks on my skin, and across my face. The school teacher called police, and this went to court, and the court take me away to 'Foster Home' for few years.

It was not a few hits neither, I was beaten with a belt, the belt hit and tear my skin too, and I got slap across my face many times. I came to school with bruises, red marks on my arms and face.

But I agree with you that I need to let go of my past. My past is a part of me, it always will be, but I need to not let it control me; so I can have a healthy relationship and healthy sex life with my boyfriend.

[pcmaster]

Did you liked foster home better than your mother? Do you still keep in touch with them -foster home people?

[interracial]

To pcmaster, Happy Holiday to you and your family.

No, I don't keeep n touch wtih the 'Foster home" people. The incident that my mom beaten me happened when I was 12, and now I am 30, so it been a LONGG time ago.

I think my childhood with my abusive mother does play a part of me can't give in fully on the emotional level in my relationship.
I do have a hard time open up to my boyfriend 'emotionally', like I have a hard time say the lovey dovey words to him. Maybe I am still shy?

He keeps looking at my facial expression during sex. I do get very embarrassed and I try to hide from him "emotionally'.
Sometimes I even think of blindfold him, or put a pillow over my head, to avoid him see through my 'emotions'

As a man, maybe pcmaster, can help give me your viewpoints on why do he likes to look at my face during sex? He kisses alot and touch my face too, this is a good thing during sex right?

[Wakeup]

Considering you have never been in the same situation and never been in contact with anyone who had, you wouldn't really understand. The OP can either spend thousands of dollars on therapy or she can help herself out of this. Her description of the abuse is actually way less worse than I expected. What the OP need to do now is stop feeling sorry for herself, it is only making things worse. She got a few hits and some verbal abuse, so what? Millions of people experience physical pain from illness and disease, death, and poverty. She has a good. She has a bf and she is safe. She has to stop identifying with the past which does not exist.

Maybe you should JUST get over your issues with men and love too then, eh?

She has ingrained low self-esteem that has affected her to this day. Some people can't JUST get over that without the help of a professional to guide them through the tunnel towards the light.

After reading Op;s post above... she's not going to work with herself or anyone else to get by what ails her.