i need female advice

[Gibb]

Ladies, I realize this is a general relationship question, and i may very well wind up posting in that area but for now I want a female opinion. This is probably going to be a long rambling post be I want to make sure I include all the information available. My wife and I met right after we both graduated Navy Boot camp. It started as just a casual sex thing and morphed into a full blow relationship. She got transferred to Florida and I went to Virgina. We got married in December of 2006 she was 19 and i was 24. I got out of the navy in 07, mostly because we wanted to be near each other and I had more job skill outside of the Navy so it was logical for me to get out. So I moved to Florida with her, and that when things started to get bad. We had fought a lot when i was in Virginia, she always wanted to talk to me on the phone and got mad when i couldn't however we both chalked that up to just being separated. After moving in with her, i realized exactly who I had married. She is a very dominant type A person. I'm more laid back and passive B type. She is very controlling, hates to say she is sorry and is very hostile to criticism, implied or otherwise. She insists on getting her way in any given situation. I am more cerebral, I am very introspective and spend a lot of time analyzing and even obsessing about any problem. She is more impulsive, She takes her first impression and runs with it, she hates to analyze anything. Shes very intelligent but she doesn't like to go over anything more than one. I also have very low self esteem. i constantly worry that people don't like me, and I take things like fights very hard. Within 2 years we were in marriage counseling. That was a total bust in my opinion, I did all the taking and she just sat there. So we found out all the things I do wrong, like being overly sensitive, reacting violently ( i never hit her but I've put several holes in the wall and yell a lot). So on from there. Things stayed about the same for a while with varying periods of things getting better or worse, but on the average it was about the same.Then, this past November ( on my birthday no less) we had a big fight and we both admitted that maybe divorce was the issue. We made a tentative plan to think about it. Now prior to this this "guy friend" that I suspect she may have had an affai8r with. I don't know for sure but its suspicious. They text all the time, she texts him more than any of her other friends. On top of that he is known for being unscrupulous in the manner he treats women. I never liked the guy and freely admit that my suspicions are colored by that fact. However, I think there is sufficient evidence for me to be concerned. He has on two separate occasions sent her vulgar text messages, which I only found out because I check her texts ( I'm paranoid I admit that). Both times she has not only failed to tell me of this but defended him and got mad at me for being mad at him. Also sometimes she goes out with, supposedly with her friends, and gets very shady. Normally if she is out, if I call she will answer or at least text me. These times she will not text or call, and. The most prominent of these times she was also getting texts from him the whole time before, he never outright said that he was inviting her over, but he was commenting on who was at his house. She also had her phone hidden and on silent, and she shaved her pubic hair, which is not something she ever does when going out with the girls, ever. In her defense that same night she got a text from a girl asking her to come over, but I'm still suspicious.I called her on this, both when she got the first first vulgar text and later when she was going out and shaved the pubic hair, Shes has always maintained her innocence and I told her i believe it. But that's a lie, I don't honestly know, my head says to be suspicious but i really want to believe she didn't do it and I don't have any concrete proof. There have been three times i was sure she was going to see him, the pubic hair incident was the last one ( god this sounds crazier by the minute) was the last time, the time before that, I managed to talk her into staying at home with me. The first time, I went looking for her at his place, when I got home she was there and in tears telling me she had thought about it and wanted to work our problems out. For a while things got better, then much much worse. I have noticed she is very distant, which lead me to believe she is over me. I brought this to her attention and she told me i had nothing to worry about.

Now she is in Pensacola for A-school because she is cross rating ( navy term for changing job descriptions), while our two sons and I are in Louisiana with my parents. I went to see her In February, right after she got there. While I was on the way, every time i called her she got off the phone as quickly as possible, and while i was there she was very easily irritated. I confronted her about it, and brought up my concerns about her not being in love with me any more. She admitted that this was true. She said she still loves me but is not in love with me ( that old saw). She says she is not sure what to do, but when she thinks of our marriage ending her only concern is for me and the boys, not herself, she feels she would be just fine without me. Over the next few weeks we talked about it and agreed to wait a year and try to work things out, If things were still the same in a year we would call it quits. That's all well and good, but in my mind that meant " lets try to figure out whats wrong and fix it, and if in a year things are still the same lets call it off. She seems to be thinking more along the lines just waiting and seeing how she feels in a year. She takes no time to talk to me, or even the boys ( our oldest is 2 old enough to want to talk to his mom on the phone). She doesn't want me coming to see her, and she barely comes to see us. She says that she can't come here more often because she has to have friends there too. She leaves in may, so i hardly see the importance of spending time with people you will never see again, whom you have only know for a couple months as it is. i told her i felt she wasn't giving this her best effort , that i felt she was just going along with this because she felt guilty, and she asked me what she could do, said she didn't know how to fall back in love with someone. A good point, the only thing i had to tell her was that we should make time for each other, talk often, basically do the things a couple does, the things that made us fall in love in the first place. i can't see that she is doing that, she has no intere4st in me. her priority seems to be partying.
She says that there is no specific reason why she feels this way, and that i have done nothing wrong. i disagree. Ive done plenty wrong. To start with, i don't handle problems in a constructive manner. I wait until things build up and explode. This is partly due to her unwillingness to discuss things. but if its worth fighting about way after the fact, its worth fighting about when the issue arrives. Its not fair to her to wait until its over then harangue her for it. I also have a complete lack of ambition, i am very intelligent, but i only talk about things i want to do with my life. I've been working dead end jobs since getting out of the Navy, I took one semester of college which i flunked, due partly to working 12-18 hour days every day, but still, I flunked. She, on the other hand, has the world at her finger tips. She is taking college course, online at the moment, but in class in previous semester, and has a 4.0 GPA, she is apply for a commission in the navy which she will probably get. She is highly intelligent, motivated and very self assured. I think she wants and deserves someone who is on the same level as her. I don't fit that bill at the moment. However, i am going to fix that. If I go to her next duty station with her, I am enrolling in a culinary school, and plan to get a job as a cook , and then learn the business and start my own restaurant. This is something I have to do, regardless of whether or not she stays with me, I am 28, its time to get a plan.
What I am asking you ladies is this. What is going through her head, judging from what you have read here, and knowing you don't personally know her, and how should I proceed. I want to stay with her, i really do, but even if we work past this, and she decides she wants to stay with me as well, I'm not sure we can overcome the compatibility issues. How do I prove my sincerity in trying to better myself, ( well that's obvious really, just do it). How do I convey to her, in a polite firm but non threatening way that she needs to try harder and make more time for us? And is there anything I'm missing here? Is there something only a female could notice, that i need to be aware of? Any advice is appreciated.
Thanks so much ladies.

[courtney90]

wow!!! so that was a lot to read! haha

however with that said...sounds to me like she has a lot of growing up to do...I mean she has two kids and a husband and can't make time to see yall because she wants to hang with her friends. sounds pretty pathetic and childish and immature to me. also..there is no way you can make her or convey her to make more time for yall. if she doesn't want it and she obviously doesn't then there is nothing further that you can do. you sound like you have your head on right so just take care of your boys and divorce her...i mean really ask youself this...would you want your boys to be with someone like that when they get older??? i know i wouldnt...so just save yourself and your boys from any future heatache and leave her.

[Gibb]

I see your point, however, the one thing I would have to add, is that she would be the one having the kids. I'm not set financially just yet. if I leave her, I'll be going directly to New York to the French Culinary School. So I won't exactly be able to care for the kids. Also I am perhaps little harsh on her. When she is with the boys she is a great mom. She has grown up and that's the problem. I met her when she was 18, still a kid. Now she has grown into a woman, and missed a lot of the parting she normally would have done. I was still the same basic person I am now, i was 22, and had my wilder days behind me. 18-24 is a lot bigger jump that 22 to 28, so she has changed a lot more than I have.

[courtney90]

Well I think that you two can work out the situaton with the kids especially if you say she has changed and matured. If you feel like you two have a fighting chance then go for it...otherwise end it now cuz it will only get worse later on and then your boys will see mommy and daddy having tension.

[jerybaby18]

In my opinion, she has cheated on you. The text messages and the shady behavior says it all. I can pretty much bet on it, and I know what it is like, because I had done it myself. I regret it in every way. But sounds to me she is behaving just as I did. Anyhow, I don't think you are very compatible with each other, and I think you should call it quits now, because you have tried for quite some time. She is not very receptive to it. She says she is not in love with you. Don't you think that you deserve to be with someone who is? Move on, go to school, make something better of yourself. Not only for yourself, but for your children.

[Gibb]

I hope she isn't. I realy do love her still. This may sound a bit melodramatic, but i don't think there is no pain like loving someone who doesn't love you.

[jerybaby18]

Yup, it's very painful. But, you deserve someone who does. And if you think that is the case, then move on, because you deserve better.

[Gibb]

She would make things so much easier on me if she would just say one way or the other. She says she's not sure, but she blows me off constantly, and doesn't want me to some see her where she is. My understanding was that we were going to try to make it work for a year in order to save the relationship if it could be saved. I am beginning to think she just wants me to make the call because she doesn't want to be the bad guy.