I'm not attracted to him anymore

[phoric]

Hello,

This is my first post on any forum. I've had all these thoughts going through my head for months now and I need to talk to someone but I feel my friends are too close to the situation.

I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years. we are both in our mid 20's. he is wonderful. he's kind and funny and intelligent, and he loves me so much. we've never argued and we've had a pretty much perfect relationship.

we went out for 2 years and then lived together for a year. at this point i loved him more than anything else in the world and i couldn't imagine my future without him. for the past year we have lived a few hours drive apart due to work. this was really hard for me to start with and i missed him lots. however after a couple of months i came to enjoy the freedom i had. however now when we're together i find myself avioding intimate situations and over the the last 5 months or so i've realised that i'm not attracted to him anymore. i have foolishly been ignoring this and hoping that it's just a temporary thing i'm going through. but i've waited and i still feel the same. he's a great guy and we can talk for hours but i just don't feel anything romantic towards him at all anymore.

i think i've made up my mind to break up with him but i feel so bad - he's done absolutely nothing wrong and i can't bare the thought of causing him pain.

i keep varying between being definite that i have to end it as soon as possible and then i think maybe i should leave it a little longer. (i am a coward and this is just prolonging the inevitable)

i chat to him online but i think i would have to tell him face to face, however if i go to his house then i will have to stay the night and i will probably chicken out.

does anyone have any advice? should i try and hint to him what i'm thinking?

i keep thinking what if i break up with him and then regret it in a few months time. i'm so confused

[gHEXjt]

For the love of God, do not do it in anyway except in person. You owe him at least that much! There's no easy way to go about this, you're going to kill him. Something like this happened to me and it was awful. But I guess you've got to do what you've got to do. You can't make yourself miserable just so that you don't make him miserable. But if you're having doubts and think you'll regret it, then maybe you should give it a little time. But don't hint at things and don't do it any other way than in person if you do it.

[phoric]

Thank you. i know your right i think i just needed someone to say it. i think i will wait a little while but if nothing changes then i will make sure i do it properly.

[Tone]

You just have to be honest with him... the longer you prolong it and the more you lie, not only to him - but to yourself, by staying with him and "pretending" to be attracted to him, just the longer you're delaying the innevitable.

The sooner you let him down, the sooner he can grieve, the sooner he can move on, the sooner he can find someone who can be happy with him, and the sooner you can move on and find someone you can be attracted to.

[shh!]

It is natural that physical attraction diminishes the longer you are with someone. The familiarity of a person you have been with many times cannot possibly compete with the idea of someone new.

Since you are not married, I suggest you break things off if you are unable to be intimate with him. He deserves to be with someone who really wants to be there.

[whaywardj]

And, for god's sake, don't invite him to "be just friends."

[gHEXjt]

And, for god's sake, don't invite him to "be just friends."

Definitely. Or if you do that, why don't you just shit on his face and ask him to tell you how good it feels too!

[whaywardj]

Phrased in a rather scatological fashion, gHexjt, but, yeah. That was my point.

[RuntimeError]

Phoric, I actually disagree with all these people. I say stay and try to work it out. If one you say there is nothing wrong and two you can sit and talk with him for hours. What is wrong? So what you don't want to get busy with him? All that stuff fades any way nothing lasts forever and in the end when you do make the ultimate commitment, you want to make sure you pick someone you enjoy being with and enjoy talking to for hours on end. I assure you this even if you do break up and you look for that "HIGH" that is only temporary anyways. This WILL happen again. Love starts after the "HIGH" ends, it is a commitment. Don't worry it is not only you but I think most everyone gets tired of haveing hot wild passion love making sessions with the same person after awhile but the trick here is if you really "LOVE" the person and enjoy their company and they are faithful and they treat you right well then maybe you have a winner. I am a chaser of that "HIGH" I assure you this, the grass isn't always greener on the other side for some maybe it is though.

However you have to do what you have to do and only you know if he is right for you or not. With that said let me leave you with some words of wisdom that are just the hardest to figure out "Follow you heart" Good Luck my friend..

[RuntimeError]

Oh yeah and if the physical intimacy is the only problem maybe you can go get a kama sutra or teach him how to please you, that can spice things up and get the rivers flowing again. However if there is more problems then just the physical intamacy for get everything I said Good Luck.

[whaywardj]

I have the understanding it's far more than just physical. I believe the lady's saying the thrill is gone. Sounds to me as if it was a case of mistaking a friend for a lover for four years or so.

[Ellynn]

If you really feel like its not gonna go anywhere....then you need to break up with him. It will hurt him even more if you wait even longer to tell him how you feel. Definately do break up in person. No matter what its gonna be hard....but be honest. Just tell him what you told us. He deserves to know the truth.

I know it sucks to not be able to control your feelings....but you at least need to be true to them... Good Luck!

[shh!]

Phoric, I actually disagree with all these people. I say stay and try to work it out. If one you say there is nothing wrong and two you can sit and talk with him for hours. What is wrong? So what you don't want to get busy with him? All that stuff fades any way nothing lasts forever and in the end when you do make the ultimate commitment, you want to make sure you pick someone you enjoy being with and enjoy talking to for hours on end. I assure you this even if you do break up and you look for that "HIGH" that is only temporary anyways. This WILL happen again. Love starts after the "HIGH" ends, it is a commitment. Don't worry it is not only you but I think most everyone gets tired of haveing hot wild passion love making sessions with the same person after awhile but the trick here is if you really "LOVE" the person and enjoy their company and they are faithful and they treat you right well then maybe you have a winner. I am a chaser of that "HIGH" I assure you this, the grass isn't always greener on the other side for some maybe it is though.

However you have to do what you have to do and only you know if he is right for you or not. With that said let me leave you with some words of wisdom that are just the hardest to figure out "Follow you heart" Good Luck my friend..

I would have said this same thing if they were married...

[phoric]

I have the understanding it's far more than just physical. I believe the lady's saying the thrill is gone. Sounds to me as if it was a case of mistaking a friend for a lover for four years or so.

Yes! this sums it up exactly

when i thought it was just the passion that had gone i was trying to work on this and make things more exciting. i know that passion will fade over time. but recently i've realised that it is much more than just the passion that is gone. i think i rushed into this relationship and i mistook a close friendship for something more. when i think back i can see that something has been wrong for a long long time but i just didn't realise it at the time.

if we were married then i would definitely try to work things out. but i don't think i could stay with him just because we get on quite well - i would never be 100% committed. and i would never be happy.

[whaywardj]

Yes! this sums it up exactly

when i thought it was just the passion that had gone i was trying to work on this and make things more exciting. i know that passion will fade over time. but recently i've realised that it is much more than just the passion that is gone. i think i rushed into this relationship and i mistook a close friendship for something more. when i think back i can see that something has been wrong for a long long time but i just didn't realise it at the time.

if we were married then i would definitely try to work things out. but i don't think i could stay with him just because we get on quite well - i would never be 100% committed. and i would never be happy.

Not intendiing to be glib: It happens. And it's one of the most difficult realities for a person on the reciving end of it to accept, because, sooner or later in the processing of it all, they'll hit upon the idea that what has been rejected is the entirety of who they are. They won't realize for awhile that this is not entirely true.

I'd think letting him go and telling him so would be the honorable thing to do. Albeit, also painful for you both. Maybe you can have some consolation in the thought that experiencing such poignancies as love dying are the stuff of a life well-lived.