Torn Between Two Lovers

[Aoyama]

Well, I've been dating my high school sweetie - hss (we're both the same age, 20) for about 3 years, and I broke up with him just recently. Reason being, he never wanted to be around me as much as he use to, put me down with a lot of negative words, got into a lot of fights, and so on. We have probably been in that state for the past year that we have been dating. Of course, we had our good times as well, but I was just overwhelmed with what he did that finally pushed me to the edge to break up with him. I think the final push was when we were going out to have lunch. He was driving and when he turned into a parking spot, he drove in too fast and hit the pillar and scraped his bumper. To ease his pain, he turned to me and says, "my mom was right, you are bad luck." He has a really high ego, and refuses to talk to me about how he feels. His mom also really hates me and I dont know for what reason. Could it be because of our different race? I'm Filipina and he is Chinese. Or maybe its just because she doesnt like the idea of her only son growing up and having another women in his heart. He also comes from a depressed family, where his dad likes to gamble and his mom seems to take out her anger on her children. I thought, enough was enough, and I decided to move on, or shall I say, break up with him.

Soon after the break up, another guy has already emerged in my life. He too has gotten out of a similar relationship as mine, only his lasted for about 10 years. He is much older than me, he's 28 right now. Does age really matter in a relationship? I thought not, so I decided to get to know him better. Turns out that he is really such a nice, sweet, caring, and understanding kind of person. I know that I've recently just met him, and I still have a lot to learn about, but I really like what I see. I can imagine having a nice steady relationship with this guy and not worry about anything at all. My parents have already met him, and think that he is the most "perfect" guy ever. He takes out the garbage without being told, helps around the kitchen when my mom is cooking, washes the dishes after every meal, and even has the courage to strike up conversations with my dad. He was raised with good work ethics and is socialite. What amazes me more, is that he really knows how to get along with my baby brother who is seven years old. (My hss hated being around my brother) Most people get really annoyed with him, including me, but that could be because we're siblings. Anyway, this new gentleman is half white and half chinese, and his family is really so kind. It reminds me of my own environment while growing up. I felt easily accepted into their family and we also have the same religion. (My hhs didnt believe in my religion and chooses not to believe and says that I can never change his mind.) He is really amazing, and he treats my entire family so well, but he never really finished college, and I don't know if he'll ever go back. (my hhs attends one of the most hardest to enter universities in California and is attempting to become a pharmacist.) He also talked to my parents about dating me. He asked my parents if it was alright if we started to date. My parents really like how he's old fashioned and respects the entire family. We aren't dating yet, but I think he wants to start dating soon.

But during the past 3 days, my hhs has finally been pouring his heart out to me and telling me how he truely feels. He says that he is really sorry and that he knows he was wrong in the relationship and wants to start over again. He says that he understands all his wrongdoings and said that he never opened up to me before because he didnt want to see my brood over his own feelings. He says that out of concern for me, he kept me out of his own heart. I responded to that with, "why now? why tell me all this now? Is it because you're afraid that you lost someone who once cared so deeply about you? Or is it because you really do love me?" He says it's because he does love me, but is he just saying that to get me back? He said that he'll give me his heart and soul, and that he'll be more affectionate. And that his mom was sorry for "pushing" me away, and being so mean towards me. But as much as I want to come back to him, how am I really sure that the relationship would last? I keep thinking that it's only going to be good for the next few months, and then everything is going to be back the way it use to be. But I've also never seen him act this way before, I think that maybe he really has changed for the better, and this time for me.

But what to do now? Do I trust what my hhs says and return to him? Or do I have a fresh new start with the new gentleman in pursuit of new happiness?

-Lost and confused, torn between two lovers

[ExpoNovak]

Your ex treated you badly and that had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his own personality and upbringing. Those things aren't going to change, no matter how much he may claim that they are. You have feelings for him now, but the hardest part (the breakup) is over. It's time to move on and see that not all guys are assholes.

So the new guy is a little older, sounds like he has his head on straight and if you spend a little time with him you may come to see very quickly how you are SUPPOSED to be treated. I get so sick and tired of watching girls go back to assholes time and time again. Please, be the exception to the rule and use your brain. The longer you stay away from your ex the less sway he'll have over you.

[DoesntMatter]

This new guy sounds like a keeper. Go with him, the other guy spent a year treating you like shit and his chance to show himself has expired, he's already shown what a douchebag he is.

That comment he made about you being bad luck... No way should you take that kind of crap!

[miSSleepy]

I think you'll be much happier with new guy. He treats you well and fits in well with your family, all of which is important in having a lasting relationship.

[Aoyama]

*Update*

So, I told them both that I've decided to stay single for awhile and that I needed my space, which I think they both took okay. I recently invited the gentleman to a family gathering of mine. And he was easily accepted into our family. My relatives enjoyed talking to him and wouldnt stop with the compliments when he left later that night. They think that he is too good to be true and my parents were even joking around that he is already their son-in-law! He even cooked for our family, helped clean up, and was just really a family-oriented kind of guy. It really made me happy to know that he is a family man.

But last night, my hhs called me on the phone, and started pouring his heart out to me again. He was telling me that he missed and loved me so much that he's going crazy. He says that he's willing to do anything and everything just to have me back in his life. He imagines the future together and even dreams that we are happy together like how we use to be. He says that he has faith that we'll be happy together if I gave him a second chance. He says he wont give me up until I've completely moved on, and until then, he's going to continue telling me that he misses me. Then he started crying, something he says he never does, and it wasnt just tears running down his face, it was all out crying. I didn't know what to say while he was telling me all this, so I started crying too. I keep thinking to myself, why tell me all this now..

I don't know what to do!

-Lost and Confused

[Gigabitch]

He says he wont give me up until I've completely moved on, and until then, he's going to continue telling me that he misses me. Then he started crying, something he says he never does, and it wasnt just tears running down his face, it was all out crying. I didn't know what to say while he was telling me all this, so I started crying too. I keep thinking to myself, why tell me all this now..

Gaaaahhh! I've had those phone calls, too, and I can't imagine why you didn't mention the fact that this kind of behavior makes women sick. It's disgusting. Weren't you disgusted? Didn't you think to yourself, "You spineless worm, no wonder you can't stand up to your mama. You aren't man enough for me."

Some basic human instinct should be telling you to kick his pathetic ass down a ravine and go for the good guy. The only explanation I have for the fact you haven't done this already is that he trained you for three years to disrespect yourself by putting you down and not treating you right. Reject this training and leave him in the dust.

[IndiReloaded]

New guy = mature, respectful & great. Old guy = immature, disrespectful & not for you.

Agree w/Giga. Why are you doing this to yourself??

Be polite but very firm w/your ex. You aren't interested. Ever. Don't even *think* about apologizing to him for it. You have *nothing* to apologize for.