So I thought I would try and seek what others think about my situation since my friends all have mixed opinions.
I will try and sum what happened now.
I spent 8 and a half month with my ex, like started story book written summer love, but things seemed to fall apart with some miss communication, and him thinking that I had kissed another guy when i hadn't... But he stuck with me through some really horrible medical things and being 5 hours apart we are meant to be together well I thought we were... Right before he ended it with me I spent a month at his place, he asked me to move back in with him this summer and we planned summer events etc.
But then I was to head home to look at apartment for us in his home town for summer and he wanted me to stay one more night cause it would be a couple weeks before we'd see each other again but I didnt want to have to rush around having to work that week and not having time to unpack and such so I left that day being tired and sad about leaving, and went to look at apartments for us, and just out of frustration, I was upset about the places I saw and wanted to talk to him but instead he was busy and I just let what his roommates awful email get to me about him possibly using me and not wanting to be with me and stuff I had already discussed with him and knew was untrue but still let it get me me and being tired and driving long hours and disappointment just kinda of exploded and before I even got home he told me it was over....
It totally caught me off guard since we've been through worse and he knows I was stressed and didnt mean the things I said,
but seemed like the more I tried to make sense of it I totally became some crazy ex and not myself, and for a month I didnt even give myself time think before I talked to him it was just jumping down his throat for reason and answers.
and by the time I finally smartened up it was to late he didnt want to make it right he did want to talk about what happened and make it right. but it was a huge deal to stay close friends to him, but I wasnt sure I could after all the fights and hurtful words and everything....
but I tried and time and time again we'd end up together every month in each other arms not talking about the past, no matter what we fought about we seemed to always run back to each other after everytime saying it was it and I couldnt do it anymore we'd start talking again but we'd always end in the same fight and hurtful words said... or in a car fighting then just laughing and hugging and saying how we need each other in our lifes, but we just cant get it together, he cant....

This time I cut ties for good its has been the longest we have never talked to each other in over a year and a half, but I dont want to be the one who is trying to make it better cause he knows I will coming running back, cause of how I've acted before...
But im worried its to late and maybe I did push him to far away with all the badgering and pushing for answers and trying to make it better, that he doesnt care about me at all anymore... like we didnt even say goodbye to each other this time it was just what ever you want Sarah you do what you need to do, and that was it...
I'm terrified that he will never be part of my life again do I break silence and send him an email asking if we can speak, or do you think he will come around? he's acted really awful to me lately, not nice words and always picking something to fight about, always making me feel like im the bad person and am at fault... its not him at all but he does have a temper, and I know I have pushed his limits as he has pushed mine...

just need some peoples in sight im so scared to loose him forever, yes I do still love him but I do understand we are no longer together and will just be friends but how do I make it clear that we need to just be friends no more cuddling and sex and personal talks and its time for us to both move on and be with other people. But he wont leave the past in the past and not stop picking a fight with me, I know we still have feelings for each other or else we wouldnt still be hooking up from time to time and that we would have both been with other people but this breakup has seriously rattled my brain I dont know what to do no one has driven me so crazy and upset and have no clue what to do anymore... btw its going on 5 months since the break up im so emotional drained
what do I do how long do I wait to not talk if he doesnt contact me?