I've been seeing a 23-year-old guy who studies with me at university for a bit over a year. He proclaims to be very much in love with me and wants to marry me, and I like him quite a lot. I like to think I'm a pretty good girlfriend - I take an interest in his interests, go to his sports events to support him, pay attention to him, help him as much as I can etc. He's very nice to me, though I don't really have a hobby he can support and I'm the more academic one, so the best he can do is usually pay for meals. However, recently he's been acting more and more like a child. A couple of examples -
- On our only day off before exams, we were 3 minutes late out the door and he not only kept track of it, he was angry and sullen later because of it, which culminated in him yelling at me on the beach for being inconsiderate. When I said I couldn't cope with him behaving like this, he said, "then don't" and turned away.
- When he came to join me at university to study for exams, he said I should "stay as late as I needed to to get work done" and insisted I choose where we go for dinner. Unfortunately I decided to leave half an hour after he really wanted to, and got pizza rather than burgers. For this, he barely spoke to me through dinner.
- In class, his mobile phone was sitting in front of me. I absent-mindedly picked it up to fiddle with it, and he snatched it back, yelled at me and proceeded to tear me apart after class until I was in tears.
He gets angry a lot for no reason, takes me to task (usually until I get very upset), then promises not to do it again after a long and heartfelt discussion. In his words, he "doesn't know what comes over him". I've asked him to see a counsellor, and he has, but it doesn't seem to do any good. He gets particularly mad about time and his plans being disrupted, which I try my best to tiptoe around.
He also has horrendous self-esteem problems and is obsessed with his appearance - which is ridiculous, because he plays a lot of sport and is quite muscly. He's also lazy but ashamed of his university performance, and he lied to everyone about his marks until I caught sight of his official transcript.
I think a big part of the problem is, he's living at home - being completely taken care of, cooking and washing included - and his parents are terribly controlling. They will take it upon themselves to veto dates we plan and drag him home early. He is forced to buy certain presents, to a certain value, for his family members. He has even been sent to bed early because his brother has an exam the next day. Further, he never stands up for himself, apart from getting angry and uselessly shouting at them. He dropped out of his other degree a number of years ago and ever since then, they don't trust him to do anything himself.
He's now applying for re-entry to that degree and will have another year of study to go. I'm graduating in a month, have a great job in a city firm in the new year and will be moving out ASAP. We originally discussed him moving out with me, which he agreed to then reneged on a couple of months later because he can't bear the idea of us fighting all the time - which to be quite frank I agree with. I suggested he move out with one of his friends, which he thought was a good idea, then reneged on that as well. Now he wants to stay at home, because, among a few reasons, it's just easier and he cannot be bothered looking for a place. I really do think that if he's forced out of this environment and is no longer treated like a child, he'll grow up.
He is fine 95% of the time, and lots of fun to be around and very kind. But the childishness is only increasing, and I don't want to be dating a manchild once I'm out earning a living as an adult. I've tried to talk to him about it but the message just doesn't seem to get through. As I write this, I realise how problematic it all is! Should I stick around and wait until he finishes his studies, or chalk this one up to experience?