When to say the L word?

[Janelle1989]

I am not new to dating, just new to relationships. My boyfriend, Shawn, and I have technically been "seeing" each other since February, but only on a casual, somewhat more "friends with benefits" way. We only decided to turn it exclusive 1 month ago yesterday.

I was the one to suggest changing the relationship to being exclusive, though I knew it was also what he wanted. We were both getting bored with the way things were. Now that we are in a relationship, however, I have realized what I was missing, and also realized I am falling hard for him.

Shawn is an absolute sweetheart to me. He treats me like a princess. He is perhaps a bit more tradional then I am used to (I prefer going dutch, he wants to do everything for me), but not in a bad way. We may not always agree, but we always find a compromise, and if we argue, will eventually kiss and make up. We have both been there for the other during times of stress and trial, throughout our friendship and just in this past month as well.

Over the summer, before we started our relationship officially (actually, during one of our "breaks" between dating or anything at all), my Step-brother was killed in a drunk driving accident. Shawn and I work at the same place, and he happened to be there when I found out. Even though I was the one who had put us on the "break", Shawn was still there for me as a friend, and let me cry into his shoulder for a while, consoling me till I calmed down enough to return to work.

Shawn recently got promoted at work, and ended up in one week working 13-14 hour shifts for almost 7 days in a row. Combining that with the fact that I had been a week late, and we were going through a bit of a pregnancy scare (I am not, btw). He was more stressed then he had been in years, and still, we got through it together. I was there for him every step of the way, even just offer help in any way I could, or a massage when his muscles ached from work.

Two days ago, the day before our one month anniversary, I was "attacked" in class. I am a science major, and my lab partner and I were in the woods studying the trees. I fell, and instead of helping me up, my lab partner got on top of me, pinning my legs down so I couldnt get up, and forced his tongue into my mouth. I shoved him off once the initial shock wore off, but I freaked out the entire hour drive home. I went straight to Shawns house, and told him what happened, afraid he would call me a cheater or break up with me. I felt like I had cheated, since it took me a moment to push the guy away (though I realize now I was freaked out, shocked, and it wasnt my fault). Instead, Shawn hugged me tight, talked me down, (and offered to hunt the boy down, of course. He is my protector).

I realized after that particular incident, I no longer just "Like" Shawn. I may be "in love" with him. I feel safe with him, and yet there is no lack for excitement or lust. But I also feel like perhaps it is because the relationship is so new, and I dont want to say it based on endorphines alone. And I do not want to jump the gun, say it, and have him freak out. Is one month to early to tell someone you love them, even with all that we have been through together?

[girl68]

Too soon. Let the feelings like this settle- there have been monumental events happening to both of you during this time and you're emtions are up and down, let a little more time pass and the emotions stop pin balling, then onces eveything calms THEN you can really tell him you love him.

[Agape]

"We only decided to turn it exclusive 1 month ago yesterday."
um that's kinda soon . . .you want it to mean something . . . but it's good that the relationship is going well

-

mind you, you might be in a sudden emotional time, being attacked just 2 days ago and having your self-brother die . . . you might be riding an emotional roller-coaster

[justcheckin]

how deeply connected are you guys emotionally? You guys have been through a lot already, and if you are connected on a very deep level (you will know) then I think you should say it when you feel the time is right.

[Poetic_Partner]

I'd like to comment on your "attack".

Report it immediately - each day longer, the less likely you will remember details.

If he did it to you and gets away with it, he'll be prone to do it again. Even if nothing happens or he gets a slap on the wrist, at least he'll be put on notice that women will stand up for themselves.

As for the L word - I don't think it's too early. Maybe you could ease into it in writing. Sign off an email with "Love, ****" or give him a "thank you" card signed "Love, ***".

Or, ease into it in conversation by occassionally saying things like "I love the way you ***."

-PP

[Janelle1989]

I'd like to comment on your "attack".

Report it immediately - each day longer, the less likely you will remember details.-PP

I cant bring myself to report it, and I feel like such a wimp for saying that. The school is located fairly deep in the woods, an hour from my house. It is a 20 minute walk to my car, sometimes alone, and there is swamp land around the road I walk back on. If I report him, he will KNOW it was me. I do not know what he is capable of, but I know I do not want to find out. If all he gets is a slap on the wrist and a mark on his record, he would still be in my class, and could follow me back to my car or something. I cant. Its more dangerous to report him at this point. I will just switch lab partners.

I like your other suggestions though, and the sneaky ways of mentioning it. I may decide to wait a bit (we are going to Boston for a romantic over night, dinner, show, hotel room) in December for our 3 month. Seems like as good a time as any

And Justcheckin, I unfortunately picked a man with a brilliant poker face. I cant read his emotions for shit. I feel something deep, but I dont know what he feels for me.

[Agape]

"If I report him, he will KNOW it was me. I do not know what he is capable of, but I know I do not want to find out."

You do realize these (in)actions on your part is due to fear . . . that's exactly what an attacker wants, to control you . . . you can't live like that.

[Poetic_Partner]

At risk of frightening you more, if you do NOT report him, then he will also know something. Namely, that he can harass you without even a social stigma - no consequences at all. He will likely also think he can harass/attack others without being reported.

At the very least do this: Talk to your man friend. Tell him part of you wants to report him, but you are afraid. See what he says.

If you are at university, do they have security? If so, then do not hesitate to ask them for an escort to the parking lot. Most all universities have that as an explicit policy when asked, and even if yours does not, a bored security guard would love to be your kinght-in-shining-armor by making you feel safe on your way to your car.

Again, talk to your friend. He seems the sort who will stick by your side no matter what you decide.

-PP