She only calls late at night

[AintNoSunshine]

This isn't going to be short, but you'll need details in order to fully grasp the scope of the situation.
First of all, I'm a married man of 15 years and miserable. I've just recently had good open lines of communication with my wife about where I stand, and heard her input as well. We've agreed on a separation, yet I'm still living in the house with her as it's "convenient" till I can get situated elsewhere. In early february I met a woman online through social media whom I fell in love with. This isn't rebound, this isn't lust, I think of her all hours of the day and night, her well being and happiness. We have a connection I've never experienced with anyone in my life. She is everything to me, and I would crawl on my own bloody stumps through the snow just to get to her.

So, our online relationship developed slowly, as friends. She wanted nothing to do with a married man, but found her heart grew for me and eventually she couldn't stop her love based on my inconvenient situation alone. She lives in an adjacent state to mine, 10 hours drive time(we've never met face to face). I've talked with her through social media only until about a month and a half ago. I always wanted her to call me, I'd given her my number long before she ever did. She always upheld that she was nervous. She also stated her family didn't know about me because it would be hard to tell them about the married man she loved, and she didn't want to lie to them so she simply kept me a secret.

She spent most all her days at her parents who lived nextdoor, so I always took her reason for not calling as just that, I had to remain a secret for the time being until I resolve my marriage. FInally she told one friend about me. That friend gave her a ration of crap about how slow she's moving with me and how she should at least call, finally she did about 45 days ago. She's called every night since and we generally talk from 11:00pm - 5/6:00 am. She'll text every couple hours during the day, I'll exchange back and forth with her till she falls off for a good while. The texts are generally just small talk (How did you sleep? What are you doing? I miss you :*) At night we've talked very seriously about meeting up, and she's said she's even willing to move to my state and live with me if I get my own place.

So, she finally told her brother about me 10 days ago, he then put her on blast in front of her father. They both then inquired about me. I figured I'd start receiving daytime calls at least once every now and then(as that was her main reason for not calling, I was a secret). The calls never came. She just moved from that place to another city with the friend who pressured her to call me. I thought surely I'd start getting a random call here or there given I wasn't a secret, and said friend seems to want us to progress further than her "turtle speed friend" as she puts it. I'm still put off till 11:00 pm at night for my calls, and still sparse texts through the day.

I'm not needy, but it's so little through the day I just can't help but ponder what the deal is. I once even suspected she had a man who worked a graveyard shift. This theory was debunked when she was once caught on the phone with me and her mother said in the background "Do you have a BOYFRIEND?" seemingly excited, and reading her daughters expressions and conversation. She used to sometimes also hang up on me when her brother would randomly show up, I gotta go my brother's here! It became straining on me. I felt as though I was wearing thin, but my love for her kept me in for more rounds.

I'm friends with her on Facebook, and all her friends are there along with family. This was a request I sent her a few months ago that was only accepted 10 days ago. It's not a catfish page, there's plenty of banter between her and her family for years of history. So, I can completely rule out she's seeing anybody. So why am I still not ever called in the daytime? I've brought it up a few times, maybe five on seperate occasions because I'm kinda stupid and daring. I know it's needy looking, weak and also not wise to press her to do things she clearly has a problem with, but if I've learned anything from my failed marriage, it's you ALWAYS communicate how you feel. If it comes back to bite you, at least you lost when being yourself, rather than winning keeping emotions inside that will eventually bleed through and cause problems later.

So, she's kinda transitioned from the reason I had to remain a secret to now saying "She's just not a girly girl who sits around on her phone all day, doesn't need to keep tabs on me" she says she can't really see what else she can do, she's just not one to be on the phone much. The thing that makes me doubt that is she'll spend 7-8 hours uninterupted each night with me on the phone now. Yet can't seem to even call for 3 minutes through the entire day. She told me before moving in with her friend that she'd be able to talk to me whenever she wanted, and it would no longer cause strain on our relationship once she moved there but it's day two and still same routine.

I had to bring it up today, I just can't understand it. I don't want to lose her to something so stupid as my not understanding something I might be overlooking, but I also can't keep letting this get to me. I need some ideas as to what may be going on? I guess I should just take her word for it as what it is, but she's been dishonest with me in the past on a thing or two I eventually uncovered. I'm about to make a serious move, possibly out of state to her, or move her with me. I just don't want to overlook something I should be seeing. Also another detail that should be mentioned is she's 25 years old, I'm 38. Neither of us care about age, our connection trumps anyones opinions or input on that, the love is solid.

I guess I just don't feel as desired, or appreciated. It's always night when she calls (does she turn into a pumpkin? ogre?) what's going on here?

(Edit in) ; Her and I have discussed meeting first within about a week to two weeks from now. She'll be having me there for three days and nights, we've agreed we will not have sex if we can resist it but good lord the conversations would seem to indicate that will be harder than it seems. So, yeah it should be noted I'm not up and moving there instantly, we're doing the meet and greet this month, then feel it out from there

[namemyname]

Um...you're about to move to another state to be with someone you've never met???

Honestly, these fantasy attachments just slay me. I understand you need a distraction and this "person" fits the bill, but beyond that, the rest is nuts. I'm amazed at how you can put so much energy into someone you've never met.

All I have to say is...Manti Te'o.

[AintNoSunshine]

I don't feel like meeting face to face has any more power than the connection we feel. I totally agree it sounds insane, but maybe you've never connected like this...? I'd move to another country in fact. Whats a little distance when I'm talking about my lifemate here?

[LifeInflux]

I would have to somewhat agree with Namemyname on this one... but more succinctly by saying, temper a little of that enthusiasm and anxiety and go and meet her. Say, "Hey I'm coming into town sometime next week." Or something like that, make it known that you are coming to see her, and that you will be there -- during the day -- with her -- for an undetermined amount of time.


Gauge her reaction. If she has something to hide, it will come out either
A: when she starts thinking up excuses of why thats a bad idea, or
B: When you get there and the people that she knows acts strangely around you.


Its great to connect with someone emotionally over the internet, but until you try the milk, don't buy the cow... or sell the farm... or ... you should probably just stay away from agriculture altogether.

[AintNoSunshine]

Manti Te'o, hey that's cute. Thank's for all your thoughtful words of wisdom. You've been the best help so far

[AintNoSunshine]

Yes I sorta delivered this too frazzled.. Ok to clarify, I've set up a date between the 8th -15th to meet her, stay at her place and hang out for three days. She talks about it all the time when we are finally on the phone. She seems enthusiastic. Her and I both fear parting ways once I'm there... It's heart wrenching to even think about already. Ugh

[LifeInflux]

Yes I sorta delivered this too frazzled.. Ok to clarify, I've set up a date between the 8th -15th to meet her, stay at her place and hang out for three days. She talks about it all the time when we are finally on the phone. She seems enthusiastic. Her and I both fear parting ways once I'm there... It's heart wrenching to even think about already. Ugh

Why not surprise her by coming a day early? Listen, I understand the feeling you get when speaking with someone that you "click" with. That's fantastic, and nothing I say will take that away from you.

But the truth of the matter, as you are well aware, is that relationships are supposed to feel that way in the beginning. Nobody will be able to tell you anything you choose not to hear, but with all this talk of her being your soul-mate and being perfect for you, you are here, addressing a particularly distressing issue.


So keep that in mind. When you have tempered expectations, its easier to be happy and pleasantly surprised. In comparison, when you put someone on a pedestal, there's nowhere to go but down.

[namemyname]

If you end up actually meeting her (I strongly suspect it won't happen), then come back and report.

And she's 25, and having a stranger from out of state, 13 years old, come and stay at her house??

Ugh.

Not to mention, you're still married and living at home with your wife.

Be warned...when you wife learns of your affair, as she will, she will nail you to the wall in divorce court.