HI
I've been in a relationship for just over a year and we live together. Something feels wrong, and in a way, always has, but because it doesn't always seem to make logical sense I've pushed it to the back of my mind and blamed "low self-esteem" (I suffer from anxiety issues so this is definitely a possibility).
The problem is that I feel very jealous in this relationship. I have never felt jealous in any other relationships, this is completely new to me. My boyfriend is very loyal and definitely not cheating (he's in touch with me pretty much 24/7 so he wouldn't have time anyway!) However, I am jealous of exes and people he has fancied before.
I think this started because on maybe our second date, and I don't know how it came up, he said he preferred not to look back on previous relationships because it hurts too much. I know everybody is different, but this set alarm bells ringing in my head. For me, once a relationship is over it's over. It might hurt for a while after (sometimes I've been in pain for two years!) but even then, by the time I'm in a new relationship, I don't feel sad that the other person is gone. It wasn't a recent break up my bf was talking about either. It was several years ago!
So through another ill-advised discussion we had in the early days, I found out he had had a crush on a girl who hadn't wanted to go out with him. Again, I think this was at least a year before we met. I'd kind of figured that out anyway, because he still had loads of pictures he'd drawn on his "graffiti" wall on Facebook all sent to her. I could tell it was someone he'd been chasing but assumed initially it was an ex. I didn't realise it was an unrequited love. He seemed very in love with me and he has been the one that wanted to live together, talks about the future, is very upbeat and seemingly devoted, so I told myself to be jealous of some old drawings would be crazy and forgot about it.
So we go to the house of a friend of his, maybe a month or two ago now. This girl he fancied was a friend of this friend. She brings her up in conversation, telling my bf that she now lived with her boyfriend. My bf's face fell. Only for a couple of seconds, but I noticed. He looked shellshocked and then depressed. That feeling seemed to fade and he was fine for the rest of the night. I asked him about it later and he said it had just brought back feelings of being "rejected" but it wasn't actually about the girl. I didn't totally understand and wasn't sure, particularly as he was still friends with this girl on Facebook and he kept all those pictures he sent her on his wall so there's loads of reminders everywhere that he was "rejected". To me, it seemed like he was upset because she has a new boyfriend and it's serious. So I asked a friend. She said she believed my bf, so again I tried to just tell myself I'm neurotic and push it to the back of my mind.
Recently, I decided I wanted to get over this altogether and went on Facebook to look at the pictures again and tell myself there was nothing to be jealous of. But that's when I realised she was no longer his friend on Facebook. He had deleted her after he found out she was living with this guy.
Now this seems like strange behaviour to me. Do you think he's still holding onto something for her? Everything just feels wrong. On the face of it, my boyfriend's behaviour and what he says is never off. He is constantly reassuring, very devoted and he always seems to want to talk about our future together. He SEEMS totally in love with me. But I can't help but feel very wary.
I'm going to talk to him tonight to get this out in the open. I'm just going to make sure he realises that this girl never loved him and never will. If he's upset to hear that, I was thinking I'd just split up with him. If he was over her, he wouldn't be upset to hear the truth - that this girl doesn't care whether she ever sees him again. From everything I've heard or seen, this is the truth. If he were upset about that fact, I'd just feel like a placeholder, do you know what I mean? Would I be being too harsh to split up with him if he was upset to hear that? It's the only way I can think of to find out if he still has feelings for her. He's very good at hiding his feelings about most things. The only way I can think to do it is to be blunt - she never loved you and she never ever will. It's the truth after all and it shouldn't hurt - my ex told me he had never loved me a few months before I met my bf. I was completely devoted to this guy - besotted. It hurt when he told me but now that I look back on it, it doesn't hurt. Because it doesn't matter anymore. I've got my bf now. Do you see?
What do you think? Am I being neurotic? Sorry for massive post, I wanted to completely explain the situation.
Oh, I've just realised. There are other factors here. Our relationship wasn't passionate for the first six months or so because I was ill at the time - we could rarely have sex and when it did it was physically painful. I'm ok now, though. But I think this has made us more "husband" and "wife" rather than sexy young couple, if you see what I mean. Also, I've realised that I've been expecting him to change. We met on an online dating site and the pictures of him were very slim. He is still not overweight but I have a thing for very slim guys, for some reason I'm turned off if the guy isn't very slim and toned (I know this is shallow and I feel really bad about it). I told myself it didn't matter if he was a littler pudgier than expected because he's personality is great. But the truth is, I don't feel sexually attracted to him when he takes his shirt off. When we first met, he said he'd been thinking of losing weight (I didn't prompt this comment by the way!) So I thought, oh there you go then, it's going soon anyway. But he hasn't lost weight, he's gained it! And even now, while he's "trying to lose weight" he really isn't trying hard. I'm starting to have to accept that he's never going to be the person I was hoping for physically. The pictures of him a few years ago are gorgeous and I do want him to be like that. I feel bad for wanting him to change but I'm definitely holding out for this!
So those are the other problems in the relationship.