Still contact, what can I do to make it easier?

[Mrs.biggiemaan]

Hello,

I am in a relationship for approx. a year now. We work together, we now (since 2 months) even live together and everything seems great.

There is just sometimes this one annoying subject. My boyfriend had a 10 year relationship before me which ended in 2011. I dont care at all about this woman. But before they got together, he met this netherland chick on the farm he was working on. Before we were even dating each other he was talking more about this woman then about his ex. Telling me how beautiful and awesome she is, that she is a vet and so great with animals, that she gets that nose twinkle when she is talking passionate about her work, and about, how shaky his legs were, when he seen her again after his big break up. He told me it was like on the first day. He even told me that they always went tired to work as they havnt slept all night. That they had the best talks he ever had. Just like a soulmate. Well unfortunately I know about all that. They had contact the whole time since they got sort of "pulled apart" by the countries. I had to find old information from his work the other day on his old laptop and found all the emails (from two years ago) . He telling her again how great she looks, works, bla bla. I know I wasnt with him back then but I think its a bit odd, being pulled apart, having a relationship with another person and when they see each other again its like on the first day. I really dont like the way she even writes to him. He always tells me that if he wanted to be with her, he would be there and not with me but I just cant get over this. "Hey cutie,......., kiss kiss lots of looovvveee" .... Why? As I do the bookwork, I even found a phone call for 60 minutes to her In June (when we were together) + two textmessages on the bill. He didnt tell me at all because he knew i gonna be upset, and I was!.... He said it was her birthday and they keep in contact ever since she left. I dont know how to deal with it, we are going to europe in september and he is going to visit her and her friend. He said if I dont want him to, he wont. When he was to her friend on the phone, he told her that he cant contact yvonne because it upsets me. I feel like a witch when I say that I didnt like this comment either? I feel like the meanest person in he world to pull apart that friendship, but I dont know what to do. I trust him but I hate to know that she is still the number one for him. He never tells me all these nice things as he reckons that he is more of a closed book, he more says them when he is ready. what? Aaah its so frustrating. I dont want to ruin the friendship but i dont want him to write her in that "lovi dovi" way either. Cant they just write like normal friends? I asked him that as well but he said everyone is different, and she just speaks/writes like that. I think I just know to much about their past. Can you please give me advice? I dont want to be a weirdo either and say that I want to see all the messages and sit there whenever they r on the phone together (i wish i could....)

[Mrs.biggiemaan]

Please help, I even found emails from 2 years ago "I love you forever and always" how can u say that after such a long time?? Please help its drivi me crazy

[qwertyu]

I can tell you with 100% certainty that his attitude towards this woman from the Netherlands will never change while he's with you. He obviously loves her more than he does you. I'm sure he has some feelings towards you, but they aren't nearly as strong as his feelings towards her and they never will be.

So you have two options.

1) You can stay in this relationship and be fine with him being in love with another woman and possibly leaving you for her if the opportunity ever came up (e.g. if she came to your country or if he moved to hers)
2) You can tell him that you can't be in a relationship with him while he's still in love with someone else and that you want to break it up.

I have been in your situation before. My ex loved someone else and it got worse and worse over time. I couldn't deal with it and I pestered him about it a lot until he was always very miserable. Eventually I broke up with him and I wish I would have done it sooner, even though my heart is still broken.

If you want to avoid further heartbreak I would advise you to break up with him as soon as possible before you get even more attached to him.

Another piece of advice... if you do break up with him, look at the thread I made yesterday and avoid making the mistakes that I mentined in there which I made myself. Move on quickly (or pretend to) and don't be clingy and don't call him every day asking how he is or checking if he's moved on.

[Mrs.biggiemaan]

Yeah I really do t know, I just asked what his other friend was saying when he said that I am jealous, and he reckon he can't remember. He gets real cranky and can't understand why I always bring it up as he hasn't contacted her since June last year. He never talks about her in front of anyone they tell me that he always talks about me. I just can't understand why he can give her every nice word and with me it's more difficult. To me he is perfect, but just that one thing annoys me. Isn't there any way to find out right now what's the go? I mean I need to make sure that this is all right, I don't want to do a big mistake either if you know what I mean.....

[basilandthyme]

I just want to clarify......he hasn't had any contact with her since June 2013, yes? But how much has he talked about her during the last six months?

[Mrs.biggiemaan]

no he hasnt had any contact since june, as i was about to walk out, when I have seen a 1.5 hour call to her on the bill. he never talks about her anymore. I just now, that he wants to have contact to her because they are friends for so long, and I feel bad breaking this friendship, but i think its wrong to talk in a flirtey way to each other, and knowing too what he use to write her for nice things (which i never heard from him since i know him) ,.... I wish i could just delete this jealous thing out of my head but i think I am just not sure what I am for him. I tell him to many times that i love him and get it back as "love u too" ....but he never says anything like that. I just dont want to end up crazy because I love him so much more than the other way around :///

[basilandthyme]

You say that they've been friends for so long....but this is more than friendship we're talking about here. And as such, it's entirely appropriate that he leaves her in his past.

Thing is though, if you're not convinced he feels strongly for you then you are probably better off out of the relationship. Out of curiosity, how did you end up moving in with him while you've got such misgivings?