How do I make my girlfriend want to spend more time with me?

[wdfadude]

Here's the story of mine and my girlfriend's (I'll call her "Tonya") relationship:

Both Tonya and I are recently divorced from our first marriages. She has full custody of her two kids from that marriage, and I have have full custody of my two children. She and I live 45 miles away from each other, at opposite sides of a metropolitan area around a major U.S. city. Tonya and I started dating about five months ago and we mutually agreed to just let our relationship progress naturally, with no pressure to rush into "milestones" like getting into a committed LTR, moving in together, etc.

Since then Tonya and I have become extremely close friends and we both enjoy our relationship on so many levels. Our sex together is amazing. We have an absolute blast whenever we go out for dates, and have deep, connecting conversations. We've told each other that we've fallen in love with one another. We're very affectionate with each other. At times she will grab my hand, and out of the corner of my eye I can catch her lovingly staring at me, I'll turn to look at her and she'll plant a kiss on me and gently tell me that she loves me. Although we've never had the "let's get serious" talk, we've introduced each other to our friends and loved ones as "this is my boyfriend" or "this is my girlfriend".

Things seem effortless, relaxed and non-pressured. I haven't seen any problems or "red flags" pop up. It seems so real & natural but also realistic, like a great foundation for something that could perhaps last years (or even longer? But I don't want to get too ahead of myself). I've been proud and happy with the way things have developed. Tonya and I, even though we feel strongly about each other with our hearts, try to use our heads to stay in the "real world" with commitments to kids, work and other activities (I have quite a few hobbies and projects I'm actively involved in) and not get carried away with any silly romantic fantasies.

She and I see each other once or twice a week, which usually consist of a longer date/sleepover and perhaps a short lunch or dinner. Yeah, we've done activities and things that have involved the kids, but most of the time its been one of those two types of outings.

Tonya does frequently text or mention to me over the phone that she misses me, loves me and loves to wake up next to me. So....the main problem is, I'm usually the one initiating the get-togethers. Not only that, but I feel like Tonya and I have progressed to the point where I would like to spend more time with her. The distance between us is only a minor hindrance and has frequently already been worked around, and easily at that. I would just like to hang out with her an extra night or two a week. She seems reluctant to do this, and I don't want to badger her, pressure her or seem too needy.

I'm no where near expecting to spend every waking moment with her. I just feel I'm ready for more...

[Kyrina]

You both have your own space now and people dependant on you, even a happy little relationship on the go.However both have just got how of a divorce and are able to be independant in your own right have your own places and when the urge rises be together, i would accept my lot for a while longer and not try to push for more.A woman is a mother , wife , sister, daughter, blah blah blah but for once she is no-ones wife and she doesnt have to be trailing after her guy she has an identity she is still a mother and she may love it but not anyones wife and being your gf is a big step for her she took it be happy with that for a while.
Do you really want that 24/7 relationship now you dont have a ball and chain to drag along isnt it just nice to have someone out there love you but also deserves her identity and feedom for a while ?

[devonbrown]

You said that you are ready to spend more time together, but are you sure she is? She might say she misses you and stuff, and she probably does, but that doesn't necessarily mean she is ready (or able) to devote more time together.

You have kids. She has kids. Those kids come first. Their activities take precedence over anything else. Maybe once or twice a week is all she is able to give you.

Think of it this way - Of the time she has in her life, 90% is taken up with her job and children. Of that other 10%, she is giving you maybe 8 or 9 %. Shouldn't she be able to have some time for herself. You said you take time for yourself.

Talk with her about your schedules and see how she feels about spending more time together, and if it would even be possible. But understand that quality over quantity is sort of the rule for the type of relationship you are in.

[wdfadude]

Kyrina, thanks for taking the time to reply.

No, I don't expect a 24/7 relationship at this point. LOL! I even said that "I'm no where near expecting to spend every waking moment with her" and I think that would be highly detrimental to both of us if we even attempted something like that. Tonya and I respect each other's space and freedom, and our time (however we each spend it, and who we spend it with) is very precious to both of us.

As far as her role in other's lives as a sister, daughter, friend, etc....it's a long story but she has done a lot of moving around geographically in the past, so virtually all of her friends and relatives live hundreds of miles away. Besides a scant few local friends/co-workers, she's pretty much alone in this city. Being a parent certainly takes it out of you and is vastly important, something I can identify with because my kids' mother is all but gone from their lives...

I just feel that we've progressed to the point where seeing each other a little more is a logical step. Besides, as much as she voluntarily tells me that she loves and misses me (which I don't doubt), one would figure that she would make more of an effort to get together more, even just casually to hang out.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

How long have you been together?

[smackie9]

It has a whole lot to do with the kids and making arrangements for a babysitter etc. Plus she probably promised herself that she would spend X anount of time with her kids, and not to let a relationship interfere with that. You are going to just have to go with the flow and just let things happen like you said at the beginning of your post. So far she is ok with the arrangement, so why mess with it. You want to see her more, then move closer.

[bulrush]

Sounds the same as in my relationship. Me and my gf have been going out for 1 month, so you might say we are still in the "honeymoon" phase. But we both know what we want, and have found it in each other. So we enjoy each others' company and don't rush into moving in with each other.

Feeling like you want more, is different from truly needing more. How about if you talk to her about your feelings? Both of you have kids, I guess, so those come first. But as for me, I don't move in with someone until I've been dating them a year. It's just my policy.

You might feel like you want more, but is it realistic for you both to move in together? What about jobs? Who would move? As that person would probably need to find a new job, not easy in this economy.

[Cerby]

Sounds the same as in my relationship. Me and my gf have been going out for 1 month, so you might say we are still in the "honeymoon" phase. But we both know what we want, and have found it in each other. So we enjoy each others' company and don't rush into moving in with each other.

Feeling like you want more, is different from truly needing more. How about if you talk to her about your feelings? Both of you have kids, I guess, so those come first. But as for me, I don't move in with someone until I've been dating them a year. It's just my policy.

You might feel like you want more, but is it realistic for you both to move in together? What about jobs? Who would move? As that person would probably need to find a new job, not easy in this economy.

You can't compare 1 month to anything, even the worst relationships are good at the 1 month mark. OP is asking how to get more time, not to move in!

Its sounds like you've talked to her about it, which is all you can do.

[Kyrina]

Wd, it is a realistic notion however the only way your going to find out the reason she doesnt jump at the chance is to ask her outright, then you risk her running from you or telling you.I know its difficult to want something so much and for her to stall a little but even so she has her reasons and talking will help you both in the long run,you do sound happy with her and to be honest if thats as far as she wants it at the moment i believe you will settle for that.
This lack of effort on her part may also be due to her wanting to help her kids get over the divorce, I know kids take it out of you i have two all i can suggest is that you do talk and see if she will explain her reluctance to meet more often or find a club all the kids can attend together for a day and you two have a adult only picnic or even all go to a park close by just ideas for you to think on.But in your situation i would think about something like you did as teen's and try and bunk of the adult crap of daily life just for that day and have fun, can you and she be spontanous enough, it may sound ridiclous but hey give it a thought if she or you can see yourself doing it.Even just resturant hoping make it an event thats interesting to her, also is she struggling for sitters as few friends and family are close to her and she doesnt want you know she is having money problems it may not be she doesnt want to but other things are holding her back.Talk to her hun and dont be to in her face she may back off. Good Luck but i dont think you will need it

[wdfadude]

Thanks for all the input, people.

To address the divorce issue...my girlfriend Tonya and her ex-husband were rarely around each other when they were married. For years because of his work, he was gone for weeks at a time. Then they separated for several months before they decided to file for divorce. Therefore, Tonya's 12-year-old daughter has been used to her parents being apart (the other child Tonya has is a very young son) and living only with her mother. So adjusting to divorce was/is not as hard for Tonya's daughter, because they were just making the split "official". It's been more difficult on my own kids, so I'm trying to thoughtfully and gradually ease them into all of this...

Alright...to the main point I want to make. I'm not necessarily looking for more "date time" with Tonya. So finding a babysitter is not always the issue. I just want to be able to hang out with Tonya more, as in go to each other's houses to watch a movie, or have a simple home-cooked dinner or what not. She'll text message me or call me from home on weekday nights (we talk on the phone for at least an hour every night), asking me what I'm doing, sometimes acting like she's bored, telling me she misses me, she loves me....but then acts like it's such a pain in the ass or just plain impossible for us to get together for these types of things. I see lots of wasted time and missed opportunities where neither of us had anything going on and she never takes the initiate to do anything about it. It's just frustrating...

To address a few questions brought up...

"How long have you been together?"

A little over 5 months. We've talked every single day since we first got together, but I'm just looking for a few more hours a week of "face time" with her.

"You want to see her more, then move closer."

An impossibility for now, for both of us. She has her house up for sale, but in this housing market it could be 6, 9, 12 months before she sell and be able to move out. Besides, I'd rather have a little more time with her before we would consider anything like moving just to be closer to one another, or even moving in together.

"Of the time she has in her life, 90% is taken up with her job and children. Of that other 10%, she is giving you maybe 8 or 9 %. Shouldn't she be able to have some time for herself. You said you take time for yourself."

I'm not going to work out ratios and percentages of how much free time she has. I more than anybody understand that kids come first. Even if we would all do something together (all our kids get along great) it would be cool...

[devonbrown]

The other thing I thought about is that I know a lot of single mothers put some sort of mental waiting period to allow someone they are dating to get too involved with their children's lives. Not that they are opposed to spending some time all together, but once it gets to be too "family-like" as in, having the guy hanging around the house, etc. it gets a little iffy for her. I have a friend that has very distinct rules about bringing a guy into her son's life and talks with her son a lot about how he feels about it.
I think she may just be trying to keep her kids from getting too attached if she is not sure about a long-term future.

You just need to talk to her calmly about this and be understanding to all points of view.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Well if your relationship expectations are not being met that should be a sign that this relationship will not last. You are only into it for 5 months...that is concidered a short amount of time. And since you have only been together for 5 month, already you see some issues coming to the surface like her not putting time into your relationship. Her priorities are her kids and work and you come in last place. You cant expect her to change just for you...you get what you get. If its not a livable situation then get out of it and stop wasting your time.

[wdfadude]

Since there are a few heavy things going on in my girlfriend Tonya's life, this issue unfortunately has to take a backseat. Tonya is going out of state this week until after the Labor Day Weekend; her mother has some medical testing going on that Tonya wants to be there for, and her best friend has terminal cancer and has but mere days to live. (Tonya actually asked me to go along with her, but my kids are in school and I can't take that many days off from work) It would be a TOTALLY douche bag move of me to bring up these issues now. The only thing I can and should do right now is to be there for her for emotional support.

Devonbrown, I understand the whole "boundaries" thing. It takes time and patience to open your kids up to a new person. Luckily (so far) I get along great with hers.

Smackie9, I realize it's relatively young in the relationship. But I've been happy with the way things have developed; she and I have a good, strong base to build a LTR on. I ain't asking for her to drop everything she's doing, or to ignore her kids or job. It takes time to integrate a new person into peoples' lives. It just seems to me that a natural (gradual) escalation towards seeing each other a little more is just the "right" thing to do at this stage. I've felt this way for several weeks and now it seems like it's slowly turning into a sticking point.

[smackie9]

Well then my post has some reality to it that you cant deny. Either you tough it out and let thing progress at her rate or bail. Those are your choices.