And my course of action should be?

[Equanimous]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and just kind of wanted to get some feedback on a somewhat uneasy situation I am in. I was really impressed reading around the forums here. Everyone is free to be really open and honest. I like, I like.

I am currently single and have been for about a year now after ending a long and arduous 3 year relationship. Recently, I've started to get back in the mood to date and I realized I'd forgotten how many women there are out there! I've gone out with a few girls here and there but nothing serious.
About a month ago, I met up with an ex-girlfriend of mine whom I dated right before the girl I had the long 3 year relationship with. Her and I were always great together and it was without doubt my "healthiest" relationship ever. However, I had to move out of town for grad school and our attempts at working on a long distance relationship failed. I then met my most recent girlfriend at school (the 3 yr relationship one) and we hit it off and I pretty much forgot about her.

Now, I'm back in my hometown and I see her quite often. She is currently in a relationship with a decent enough guy. But, I know her well and approached her about how she felt when I sensed something was off. The summary of what she said is that she's happy-ish but somethings missing. He's just not her type of guy.

Over the past month since we first met up again, I am almost ashamed to say that I think I may have fallen in love with her all over again. I just don't know how I should act on these emotions. On the one hand, I hate the thought of being a sleezebag and trying to break her and her current boyfriend apart. But on the other hand, I know how much better we are together and how much happier I can make her. When we are together, I know she can sense it too. We talk often about our past together and she has said to me that she was heartbroken when I started dating my last girlfriend.
I'm not in doubt about our feelings for each other. I know she still has some of them for me, even though she hasn't said so. We just know each other that well. It's kinda lame but I can see it in the way she looks at me.


Sorry for rambling, I'll cut it off here and simplify.
So, should I be pursuing this possible "love of my life / soul-mate" scenario even though she is involved with someone else? If so, how?
Or, should I just wait it out and see what happens -- taking the chance that I wait too long and she settles down with the guy she's with? Maybe she wants me to approach her about it?

I should point out that we're both in our mid to late 20's. We both want children. We both would like to get married at some point in life. These things worry me as I may be on a time limit here.

[manoffire]

be patient and wait a while..one of two things will happen..she will eventually break up with him and go to you..or else while you are waiting for her..someone else will come into your life that will make you not even consider her..know what I mean? I'd wait..dont screw with her boyfriend..the key to success is patience..patience works for everything

[Equanimous]

Uggghh...patience isnt my strong suit

[Gigabitch]

Too bad. Patience is what you need to employ, here. You would permanently damage her perception of you if you tried to horn in on her while she's with someone else. Believe me. I've been the girl in this situation.

Just hold your happy horses for a while. If you can feel it, she can feel it. You might feel like there's a time limit, but you're only in your 20's, not your late 30's. Play the long game.

[Incognito]

I should point out that we're both in our mid to late 20's. We both want children. We both would like to get married at some point in life. These things worry me as I may be on a time limit here.

You need to forget the whole "time limit" thing. If you rush into a realtionship and have kids simply because you are trying to keep some sort of biological schedule your relationship/family will be an utter failure. You date someone because you like them and want to know them better. You should enter a committed relationship with someone because you got to know them and realize that you both love each other. You should marry if it what you both want and you plan on sticking together, come what may. You should ONLY have kids after you have done everything you want to do as a couple and want to forego your own desires to have a child and put the child's needs ahead of your own. You can't rush things like relationships and family simply to stay on schedule and expect to have success.

[Equanimous]

Yeah deep down I think I know that being patient is the right course of action. Gigabitch, you're right about how not being patient would damage her perception of me. And manoffire is bang on I think when he says "she will eventually break up with him and go to you..or else while you are waiting for her..someone else will come into your life that will make you not even consider her"

Incognito, what I meant mostly by that last sentence was - knowing that she wants to be married and wants to have children, it scares me to think that if I dont act soon, she may just start to think that he is the one for her and stay with him forever. Its terrifying to think of that and then to think back and wonder "what if I had said something to her then?" I am not one to rush into marriage or kids AT ALL. I was just merely pointing out some additional information and backstory.

Thanks everyone. I'm loving the input here

[IndiReloaded]

On the other hand, regret is a bitch and then some.

While Giga is right and you should respect their relationship (you wouldn't want to be in his shoes, right?), they also aren't married (yet). So, since you two seem to get on and are friends, I think you have nothing to lose by letting her know how you feel in a close moment. Lay all your cards down, right up to letting her know you think you'd make a great married couple. Just be cool about it. Let her know, clearly that you wouldn't get involved unless she was available.

After that, the ball is in her court. You will need to step waaay back and let her choose. Don't get involved in any drama.

[Incognito]

Yeah deep down I think I know that being patient is the right course of action. Gigabitch, you're right about how not being patient would damage her perception of me. And manoffire is bang on I think when he says "she will eventually break up with him and go to you..or else while you are waiting for her..someone else will come into your life that will make you not even consider her"

Incognito, what I meant mostly by that last sentence was - knowing that she wants to be married and wants to have children, it scares me to think that if I dont act soon, she may just start to think that he is the one for her and stay with him forever. Its terrifying to think of that and then to think back and wonder "what if I had said something to her then?" I am not one to rush into marriage or kids AT ALL. I was just merely pointing out some additional information and backstory.

Thanks everyone. I'm loving the input here

Hopefully you didn't get the inpression that I was being harsh. I have a habit of making my comments sterile. Anyway, what I said applies to her too. If she is simply trying to keep a schedule she will have a screwed up marriage/family too. How often have you been late getting somewhere and skipped breakfast, didn't iron a shirt, ignored a stop sign, or ignored a traffic signal? Its the same with relationships and starting families. Not taking the proper time to get to know someone, not not taking the time to enjoy each other as a married couple before having kids (and a few other things in between) is just as dangerous as running a red light. Don't be willing to rush into all that just because she is. If she wants to have kids THAT bad and is willing to have them with anybody just so that she has them before a certain age......let her. All she'll do is fu*k up her life because she stupidly rushed to do something that she felt she had to do, not wanted to do. I'd expect you to avoid stepping in a pile of fresh dung, so I also expect that you'll avoid letting your life end up the same way by not rushing head on into something that neither one of you are ready for simply because she is an impatient idealist.

[Equanimous]

I see what you mean. But still, why would I want to let her make a mistake like that? I love her so I don't want her to make the mistake of staying with him, regardless of her reasoning for it. And I dont think I'd describe her as an impatient idealist. Nor do I think she would marry and have kids just cause it was the "time". But what if I sit around a wait a year, or two, or three and never tell her how I feel? I dunno maybe Im just being paranoid. Just seems so hard to decide if its one of those big life altering decisions that I should pounce on or whether its something I should roll with but then risk losing her to inaction.

[lahnnabell]

I would hope that you wouldn't wait even so long as a year to tell her how you feel. The longer you wait, the slimmer your chances become. Best to lay your cards out in front of her, and let her choose. Don't poke and prod her. Leave her be. If she misses you and wants you in her life, she'll reciprocate and you'll hear from her sooner than later. But you stand by and hover over her, awaiting a decision, she's gonna run the other way.

[Olderandwiser49]

I agree with lahnnabelle. There is really no harm in telling her how you feel (excl marriage), but let her know that you aren't trying to break up her current relationship. Sort of like "You wanted me and I wasn't available, and now the shoe's on the other foot. Seems like our timing is always off." Then, back away. You've given her something to think about without forcing her to choose. She will choose.

[Incognito]

I agree with lahnnabelle and Olderandwiser49. I am by no means saying wait around without making your feeling known to her. I'm only saying to not rush into marriage or kids just because she wants to. Just make your feelings known to her and see what happens. Don't try to break them up by badmouthing the guy, just let her make a decision. If she ends up with you THEN take a hard look at what I said in my previous posts.