I've got to talk about this to someone

[Sandpiper]

Time for me to tell you the story that happened at my office that I referred to in my introduction thread. Ok, as you know or may not know, I'm a medical record clerk in a doctors office. In this story I'm going to refer to one of my female coworkers as X. From when I first started working at the office, X was very friendly with me. She is a very nice person. She was very affectionate towards me. I began to wonder if she had feelings toward me. I found it difficult to believe, but maybe it was possible. I started to have feelings for her as well. Unfortunately, she has a boyfriend. She has been having difficulties with this boyfriend. She has come close to breaking up with him multiple times. However I did not want make things more difficult for her. Also, I didn't think it would be right of me to take advantage of what is for her, a very difficult situation. Therefore, I didn't tell her how I felt about her and never planned to.

After that, our office manager left and X was promoted and became the new office manager. So now X became my boss. I knew then I could never tell her how I felt about her. But I guess I my emotions are easy to read cause one day (after X had left for the day) one of my other coworkers was able to guess that I had feelings for X. Anyway, I unwisely confessed that it was true. I had everyone promise not to tell her anything, and I thought that was that.
However, things got more complicated. The office began to have problems. People were fighting with each other. Fortunately, I myself wasn't involved in the fighting. X was having alot of difficulty dealing with the problems. One of the reasons was that she was friends with these people awhile before she became the office manager, the other was that she was a rookie office manager. She decided to ask the upper managers for help. They all decided to have a meeting and let everyone try and talk the issues out.

What a meeting it was. There was alot of crying and yelling but some issues were cleared up. Finally, X spoke up. She made it clear that she could no longer be friends with the others and that she could only be their manager. I could see they were very hurt by this. She had been really close friends with some of them. Feeling sorry for them, I tried to argue that maybe some sort of middle ground could be found that she didn't have to stop being their friends. That was a big mistake. One coworker(who had not been her friend) tried to argue the point with me. She said that I wasn't really concerned about the other's friendships with X, but I was really just concerned about my own "friendship" with X and then blurted out the fact that I had feeling for X!

What an embarrassing, humiliating situation. In front of the upper managers, X, and everyone else, my feeling for X had come out. X made it clear that she did not share those feeling. I could tell she was very upset that I had let my feeling come known and had talked about them behind her back. I felt very bad about it as well. I apologized and I promised that I would stop feeling that way about her and never talk to anyone about my feelings for her. What an experience. For the first time in my life, a female found out I had feeling for her and it had to happen like that.

I have tried and am trying my best to get over the situation and forget the way I felt about her. But it is not easy. I feel sad,angry, embarrassed, and guilty all the time. I can't get it out of my head. I feel angry because I feel like my privacy was violated. I feel embarrassed that it happened the way it happened and that I actually thought there was a chance she might have feeling for me. How could I have been that stupid? I feel guilty because I have caused hurt and embarrassment for her. I violated her privacy when I told others about my feelings for her. I embarrassed her in front of upper management. Even though I didn't intend to, I took advantage of the bad situation between her and her boyfriend. What a jerk I am. I also feel heartbroken

I don't know if the feelings I have/had for her were love or not. I know I never felt for any other girl the way I felt about her. She was and is very nice, affectionate and caring. She's a very special person. Very few people could forgive what I did to her and she did. I know I have to get over my feelings. I know she is my boss and only my boss. That is the way it should be. My brain knows this. But my heart doesn't want to accept it. I wish I could go back to the time when we were just coworkers. Not a day goes by since that meeting, that my feelings of embarrassment, guilt and heartbreak don't resurface. It usually ends with me slamming my fist in frustration on a wall or some other hard surface. Its been very difficult on me. It has caused me to realize just how lonely and empty my life is. It has lost me whatever little self confidence I had left and has put me in a funk. I don't know what else to do but try my best to forget how I felt about her and get over it. But I'm afraid its going to be very difficult for me to do.

Thoughts? Comments? Advice?

[Cain]

I'll read this when you break it into paragraphs.

[Sandpiper]

As you wish.

[Cain]

Much easier to read.

Anyways, you're not a jerk. You shouldn't have confessed your feelings though because it wasn't anyone's business but your own. This situation you describe is exactly why people should avoid office romances. Work should be separate from relationships... and you've shown a reason why.

It's best that you get over it. How old are you? You work in an office so you can't be extremely young... but you mention you've expressed your feelings for another woman before. Do you just have a hard time meeting women? Shy?

[miSSleepy]

Wow, the drama.
Every once in a while there's a a thread worth creating here, like this one. It's true you shouldn't have told anyone about your feelings, but that's easily forgivable and understandable. You'll learn from the mistake.
You were in no way a jerk... if anyone actually has bitter feelings towards you, then they're fools. I don't know why you think it's unforgivable. In my opinion, the bitter little shit that blurted it out in the meeting is the one that needs to be forgiven, for putting you and her on the spot and bringing private matters into the interview.

Also, don't be so sure she didn't have any feelings for you. She wouldn't really admit it in front of every one would she?

[Aegis]

Being the irresponsible ass that I am, I'd suggest you go and see if maybe she did or didn't have any feelings for you. As missleepy said, she obviously ain't gonna admit to it out in front of everyone. Though, were you to actually try to find out, you'd have to go about it light-hearted, and act completely unphased should it not be what you want to hear. (Both parties will know this is not true, but at least you can mask the level of disappointment, and perhaps avoid further awkwardness.)

But then again, if I were really in your position, I'm sure I'd just let it go as you did. So uhh...yeah, I'm not really contributing much here.

Anyway, that bitter little shit should be knocked around for lettin' loose with that bomb during the meeting. That is patently low-class.

[Sandpiper]

It's best that you get over it.

I agree but its difficult. I can't just turn my emotions off like a light switch. Also her desk is still only a few yards away from mine. But I am trying my best to get over it. Its what I need to do.

How old are you?

34

but you mention you've expressed your feelings for another woman before.[

no, I mentioned, I've never expressed my feelings for another before.

Do you just have a hard time meeting women? Shy?

yes to both. I guess I'm also afraid I'd get slapped in the face or laughed at or something.

Also, don't be so sure she didn't have any feelings for you. She wouldn't really admit it in front of every one would she?

no, but don't forget she still has a boyfriend. I'm pretty sure she doesn't have any feeling for me, and why would she? Seems like anymore what she cares about most is the office, and that's how it should be.

Being the irresponsible ass that I am, I'd suggest you go and see if maybe she did or didn't have any feelings for you. As missleepy said, she obviously ain't gonna admit to it out in front of everyone. .

hell no. I'm not going to risk it. Everything seems to be swept under the rug. I think it should stay there. The only thing not swept under the rug is my heart and my screwed up feelings.

I know I have to get over it, yet I can't stop wondering what could have been? What might it have been like? I can't stop thinking about her.

[Aegis]

Yeah, that line of thinking can really eat at you. Dunno what to tell you other than to occupy yourself and take steps toward making something happen with someone else. Exercise, find some type of freelance work, hobby, take your mind off it and divert that energy towards improving yourself?

[Sandpiper]

update: well, I've started to diet and exercise. I still haven't gotten over X yet. I am trying, but I don't seem to be able to let it go. I wish to god things could be like they used to be at my workplace. Its so sad to see her just be a manager and never showing her personal side. I want so bad to talk to her and tell her how angry/frustrated/upset all this shit has made me. Its like I want to talk to X-the-person, but X-the-manager keeps getting in the way. There was one time X-the-person showed her face again. It was the Monday after a weekend when she had broken up with the boyfriend I had told you about. She was very upset. She told us about it and left early and also called out the next day. This only served to make it more difficult for me to get over her. I'm guessing she took the boyfriend back, but she has refused to talked about it since that day. X-the-person hasn't shown her face since. I'm seriously considering leaving my job. It may be the only way to put all this shit behind me once and for all.

[littlewing]

I don't know if it's still possible for you to do that but you can just simply come to her and apologise for your coworker and the uneasy situation she ended in, maybe she will shed off her manager skin and for a moment be the old friend you used to have. If not... well you have nothing to loose.

I don't see any chance of you two being together, even if you would somehow build a time mashine and turn back time to when you two were just coworkers I don't think anything would have worked. She was probably focused on her career from the day 1; focused on getting ahead; focused on becoming a manager, I don't think she whould have even considered giving you a chance. She does sound like a hard worker, not a passionate partner.

[Sandpiper]

yeah . . . sadly, you may be right.

[mom44g]

update: well, I've started to diet and exercise. I still haven't gotten over X yet. I am trying, but I don't seem to be able to let it go. I wish to god things could be like they used to be at my workplace. Its so sad to see her just be a manager and never showing her personal side. I want so bad to talk to her and tell her how angry/frustrated/upset all this shit has made me. Its like I want to talk to X-the-person, but X-the-manager keeps getting in the way. There was one time X-the-person showed her face again. It was the Monday after a weekend when she had broken up with the boyfriend I had told you about. She was very upset. She told us about it and left early and also called out the next day. This only served to make it more difficult for me to get over her. I'm guessing she took the boyfriend back, but she has refused to talked about it since that day. X-the-person hasn't shown her face since. I'm seriously considering leaving my job. It may be the only way to put all this shit behind me once and for all.

Don't bother telling her how angry and upset you are; I made that mistake and now I have to go to work and deal with trying to pretend that the issue doesn't exist....and it's very uncomfortable and awkward. If I didn't need my job so badly, I would quit....but single mom...and made a big mistake!