Can I forgive him

[Anonymous1994]

I haven't written on a forum before so please forgive me if anything I say or mention isn't as relevant as usual forums are, and consider myself as a very private person but seeking the advice of complete strangers feels as though it may be my last resort as I feel very lost right now and don't feel comfortable speaking to my close friends or family because I believe they would only tell me to leave the relationship and would not forgive me if i chose to stay. I am 22 years old and have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half, we have spent no longer than a night apart the entire relationship and although some people would think that as too much we both love it this way and both admit to missing each other's presence when we're apart. We both work full time hours each week so aren't spending 24/7 together but are very affectionate and loving to one another when we are together, and would consider ourselves as a very intimate couple who are very loyal and have never had any issues with unfaithfulness or trust around cheating, lying etc. This has bonded us very well and he is my first serious relationship, I honestly feel like I couldn't ever love another man as much or as deeply as I love him and feel he is my soul mate and the only person in the world for me.. I know that may sound cliche and that I am young but I consider myself a mature adult, and wouldn't make these statements if I didn't mean them.
Now that I have explained the relationship I need to explain the reason I have reached out for help on this forum anonymously. My boyfriend can be quite short tempered, and gets hot headed fairly easily but it's taken to a completely different level when he's drunk.. This has caused issues for us in the past and there has been a few occasions where his actions have hurt me very severely as I am a fairly sensitive person and he means the world to me and to have him put me down just breaks my heart. Examples of this are that when we went out for a birthday early in the relationship we were drinking at a bar/club kind of venue, we were both intoxicated and my dress slid up slightly, revealing my underwear, it was a complete accident but he called me a slut and left me alone and walked off, I was an absolute mess, the next day he apologised and said it would never happen again, I trusted him but it happened again, the next time he left me at a night club when we were celebrating his birthday as a friend of his tried giving me a drink and he accused me of being 'close to him' in the past which I wasn't, he lost it at me for seeking help from his brother who was out and with us, but I had only done that to try and get his brother to calm him down, he again left me and told me he would be blocking my number and would be ok without me in his life, I was so broken and hurt, I was in tears in front of everyone, but I trusted him again and gave him another chance. Another occasion was at his cousins wedding, we were having an amazing night, he told me he couldn't wait for our day to come when we marry, we danced, drank, laughed and then his brother couldnt find his phone so I went to go help him and my boyfriend lost it at me and called me a slut, and said he didnt want to be with a kind of girl that walks away alone etc, he got so angry that he pushed me down onto the carpark pavement, his dad helped me up but I had bad bruising for a couple of weeks down my arm and on my hip from the impact of the fall. That was the first time he was ever aggressive, but I havent mentioned even half of the times he has verbally insulted me and put me down. That time I broke up with him, I didn't speak to him for a while but eventually forgave him as he truly convinced me he was disgusted in himself and has learnt his lesson that he will lose me.. that was a few months ago and we have been better than ever recently, but just this weekend he was drinking and got drunk at his sports club, I came to his house late at night when he got home and he wanted fast food so I offered driving him to go and get it, when doing this I was tired and not in a good mood, I get stressed about him drinking and find myself irritated easily, I just wanted to be asleep already (it was past midnight and I was meant to see him around 10pm but he stayed later than he planned to originally) I was being fairly short with him but kept explaining I was just tired. We arrived back to his house and I needed to bring my bag in, I told him to bring the drinks in himself and food and he snapped, he called me a whore because I was in a bad mood and when I went to walk into the house he was at the door and he hit my head from behind with his hand. I couldn't and still can't believe he did it. It wasn't a punch but it did hurt me physically and I was beside myself with stress and sadness. I left immediately and woke the next day to him calling and calling , apologising over text and I blocked his number. He emailed me so I called him and said I dont know if I can forgive him. He has said he's been researching into domestic violence and that this was a big wake up call for him and he will never do it again. He said it makes him sick that he did it to me and he is so sorry and couldnt imagine his life without me and that he loves me and is so sorry for his actions. Please give me your opinions because I am at a point where I have no one else to reach out to for advice. I love him so much but dont know what to do anymore. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

[MartinOhm]

No. Leave that man right now. You deserve better. I know it is hard but you are still young; while a 22 year old adult, you still need to develop your "maturity experience" and yes you may feel that man is everything in your life as you have never met someone else. I do not know you in person, but can tell you can do better and find someone who will trully appreciate and care for you. Do not make the same error my mother did by staying with someone who abuses alcohol and women.

[Hooo!]

Thank you for sharing this. Although some paragraphs would indeed help reading this.

If i summarize your post correctly the person you love sooo much as repeatedly insulted you and physically hurt and abused you?
Not only when he is drunk but regularly when he is too.
Additionally you have allready discussed this time and again with him. He has repeatedly told you he will get better and he will stop the behaviour that has been going on for quite a while. Yet he has been doing it regardless.

What makes you think that he doesnt only talk (again)? What makes you think that he will actually change his behaviour now?
Would you like to keep in this relationship regardless of him hurting and abusing you? (and this is a real question - not a rethorical one)

I personally doubt wether he will change or not. But the real question is: are you willing to stay - even tho he abuses you?