My girlfriend-very urgent counselling/advice needed

[mikeikye]

I have a girl I met a year ago. To be frank with you guys I have never met a girl like her before because she has all the qualities a man want in a woman .What is more? She is obedient, respectful, not demanding, very quick to saying sorry, she pets me when I am angry, and she has this baby like character that I love so much.

Before we started dating, she told she had a boy friend but as time went on she broke up with the boy like two months into our relationship. I became so obsessed with this girl that I could hardly do anything if I do not know where she is or what she is doing. I call her like several times a day. This month is making it our 13th month in the relationship. And since the day 1 I met her till date, we have never missed talking to each other. If you say I was monitoring and policing her, I will agree with you guys. All because I was very jealous about her and also wanted her not to be misled by guys out there because she sounded to me as somebody who was innocent and therefore I didn’t want anybody to take advantage of her. I made sure she never lacked in all ramification. I was really very jealous about her and she openly told me that which I admitted without hesitation. I always even tell her I didn’t want to lose her. We became fond of each other that she introduced me to two of her elder sisters. In fact, they know me as the only sailor sailing the ship.
6months into our relationship, i found in her cell phone a message coming from a number she did not save. The message read: “I can’t wait for you to come back to my life and wipe away my tears”. When I confronted her, she denied not knowing the sender and took on the defence that I could see the person’s number was not saved in her phonebook, so she claimed not knowing the sender. I suspected she knew the number off _hand because she also did not save my number in her phone because she knows it off_ hand as well .But recently I insisted she should save it.

In another occasion I was with her, she kept her phone in silence. When she was about leaving my house, I decided to scan through her cell phone. Behold! I saw over 15 missed calls from one particular phone number. And the same guy equally sent a message that read:”why are you not picking my calls, if you know you are no longer interested in the relationship tell me”? I confronted her, but she claimed the person has been toasting her for long. When she got home, I called to tell her I was no longer interested in the relationship. You won’t believe she started crying over the cell phone, she told one of her sisters to appeal to me as well and I forgave her and continued. So many times I call her on phone without her picking her calls. And may be like after 2hours, she will call back telling me she is sorry that she was watching a movie in their sitting room and that she left the phone in the bedroom. Or at times she would claim she was observing her siesta. These are one or two stories I hear all the time. So many other things had also happened after this time that made me wanted to end the relationship, but she always cried and said she didn’t want to lose me, that my accusing her of being unfaithful were unfounded. Since these entire incidences, I have lost the trust I reposed for her but I still cannot leave her she cries whenever I tell it is over or accuse her of cheating.

Now I think I am moving over to the USA as a permanent resident. I may be leaving soon but i have not told her because I am still watching her behaviour to know if she is really worth coming back to marry tomorrow and bring over to the States. My fears now are

She is about entering the university (college). Already I am having doubt about her fidelity, what is the assurance she might not cheat on me throughout the four/five years she is going to spend in the university? Because I am very jealous when it comes to the girl I love because I don’t compromise unfaithfulness.

I do not mean to be proud, I am good looking, a graduate, and to the best of my ability, I try to take good care of her .So I am wondering why she should be cheating on me, that is, if she really does that because I have not caught her red- handed. Since the last 1month, we have not been together because we are currently in different locations. Since this period, I have been noticing some changes in her character. She hardly calls me like before except I call her. She claims she does not call often because we always argue on phone. At times she shuns me down when I talk and recently concluded that i nag too much and complain over everything(maybe my consisted questions of who was talking to on phone or the suspicous text messages i saw in her phone that she considers nagging).These things where not happening before.

Some behaviour I also noticed right from the day one I met her. She will never ask of something but when you give something to her, she hardly says thank you from her mouth. I am not a sex maniac so I can even tell you we have not made love up to 10 times since we met. So not like she is paying me back with sex. I also noticed she is not this concerned type that would at least like ask me where I am getting all the money I spend on her? Or equally caution me to be mindful of the way I spend. She has never done any of that to me. These are things I expect from a sensible girl who is really worth settling down with. I don’t think I have ever gotten any advice from her. Religious wise, I think I can grade her average probably because of parental control. But I truly cannot vouch for her when she goes to the college environment because I strongly see this grooving like life in her. She hardly hears a song without moving her body.

I think she also lies .In spite of all this. I still love this girl but the mistake I don’t want to make is crossing to the USA with the conception I have about her now because I may never come back for her with such notion I have about her now. Till date you won’t believe I still beg her and tell I don’t want to lose her, that she should be faithful. But anything I call her, she is always answering a call which to me is making me suspicious that there is somebody else.

As on my own part, I am not a complete gentleman but I am not the cheating type
I really feel like ending the relationship. But I am afraid if she finally finds out I moved to the USA few months after we ended the relationship, people will say I did it because I was relocating and didn’t want her anymore. But to me that is definitely not my reason. On the other hand if I say let me be patient till I leave the country and finally stop communicating with her, people will say this is one of those love stories. I am really crazy about this girl .But the misgiving I have about her is the question of fidelity. I don’t trust her and i don’t compromise infidelity especially from a girl that I would call my life tomorrow. Not that I even met her a virgin (she even lied to me she was a virgin but after sex with her, I noticed she wasn’t) but I wonder why I am really obsessed with her(Is it because she is my first serious relationship?). So please I need your counselling on what to do as I do not want to make a mistake marrying someone who lies and probably cheats.But i also still feel this love for her that if i have not heard from her like 3hours,my heart begins to palpitate.

[Burke]

If you already have such major trust issues, don't marry her. It will end horribly.

I do think you should talk to her before leaving the country, though. Explain why you're upset - maybe share this message with her? - and if it leads to a fight, decide whether or not you want to continue the fight until it's resolved, or if the fight is enough of an 'answer' for you to break up with her.

I suggest you work on your jealousy and possession issues, whether you continue to see this girl or move on to other relationships. Most American women would not put up with that kind of behavior, especially young women. If you can't trust your girlfriend to go out on her own and enjoy herself without disrespecting you or the relationship you share with her, then you have serious insecurity issues which need to be resolved before any relationship can grow.

Nobody likes being monitored and having their private lives policed by someone who tries to cover for it by saying "I'm your boyfriend". You wouldn't like it if someone did it to you.. don't do it to other people.

[mikeikye]

@Burke
About the monitoring attitude,it was never there initially but immediately she denied that text message i saw on her cell phone , that aroused my monitoring her.She gave me the room for that.
Now i sent het a message yesterday that was suggestive we may not end up in marriage if she continues that way.You wont believe going to 24hours she has not called me.If she is crazy about me and if there was really no alternative(another man),dont you think i would gotten a call from her by now?Please what is your advice,should i call it a quit now or call her so that we continue the relationship.But i am promising you the thought that is cheating on me will still be there because she receives calls now incessantly.I am not happy that a girl i will call my wife that her line is a hotline.

[DarkAzrael]

What's her first name? The situation sounds familiar, very familiar. I may know the guy on the other end of it.... I'm not kidding, that sounds like the situation a friend is in.

[mikeikye]

Please could more guys actually help me out on the issue above.Thanks

[Spency]

There is no trust in your relationship.

I am not having a pop at you, but to go through her phone is just asking for problems. She does not live with you I assume?

To be honest, if after a few months you were acting like that, it is only going to get worse and worse.

If someone was like that too me, constantly phoning, texting and monitoring, the first few months would be ok but then I would run a mile.

My advice to you would be go and find someone who you can trust and let this girl go.

[mikeikye]

you dont see it from the perspective that is someone who cares about you that would do that to you?I am already thinking if i could find a girl that treats me that way,i would consider that girl to be a true love.Is that a wrong conception?
and i also feel that having some feeling of jealousy for someone actually shows you love the person because someone once said that "were there is no jealousy, there is no love".I dont know if you suscribe to that.

I have had other relationships that didnt last upto this present one.They were unfaithful to me,but i never cared.Even in my presence other boys called them invited for parties, i was never jealous because i never really had any fling for them.

I dont mean to be defensive,but just want to know if my conception of love is okay.

[Heratriumphant]

Your concept of love is creepy and wrong.

You sound like you don't want a wife so much as you want a posession. You can not own and control a human being.

Jealosy is not a sign of love, it's a sign of insecurity.

[mikeikye]

Thanks! Beginning probably to learn new things.I want to be helped that was i came to the forum so everyone should please be at liberty add his/her view.Would really appreciate that.

But please i beg anyone offering a response should please patiently read my very first post.So that so you can follow the sequence.

as per my jealosy, i have already started working on it.

As per my monitoring aspect, i wasnt doing that initially or even suspecting her at all.Not until i found a text message in her cell phone that reads: 'IF YOU ARE NO LONGER INTERESTED IN THE RELATIONSHIP PLEASE TELL ME"? And another reads:"I CANT WAIT TO HAVE YOU BACK IN MY LIFE"She denied right before me that she didnt have anything with the guys.IF you see such messages in different ocassions in your partners phone,what will flash you mind?

I would really not have bothered to come this far by bringing this issue online if she was just one of those girls i want to sleep with i kiss goodbye without being judged by conscience. But i think my actions thus far were geared towards knowing the person i really intend marrying because i love to a fault.

Have you ever wondered why there are so many broken marriages today? Probably because the partners never took time to know each other or find out who the other person is really like.Some that can not curtail lies and cheating probably finds out their partners are like that after marriage and the next thing is divorce.These are things i want to avert that is why i took to such approach of trying to dig deep to know her.By nature, i dont really have that monitoring spirit.But jealousy for the one love, i really do have it and already started working on it.

So guys please read my story properly and please advice more.To stay or quit?I appreciate.