first post ... but i need advice

[eonbar]

hi everyone, my names james and i guess this is my introduction. im 21 from Reading (at uni atm). standard 21 year old love music, love girls attention, love going out with my mates, love traveling, unis OK i guess (third year dissertation and such is kinda lame)

i've come to your forums but i need a bit of a hand with a girl. strangers outsiders advice is something i think would be useful.

if you dont wanna read this theres a condensed version at the bottom

2 months ago me and my GF got back from NYC after an amazing ten days out there, kinda like a good bye to the holidays and a get away before the new term started. After we got back my misses had to go home for 10 days to help on a photo shoot with her mum. (photographer, not model, even though she could defiantly do both) Anyway, on the day before she was supposed to come back she apparently got so drunk she kissed some other boy ... complete randomer type snog. she came home and came to mine and i had a meal cooked, flowers bought and a movie she wanted to watch. i had it all planned. anyway, she told me this and it hurt so i asked her to leave and i just went to the pub with my friends.

the next day / week we talked and she said that she didn't wanna be with me, that she was confused and that she needed space. i gave her the space and a week later she said it was best that we don't go back out. i was gutted, i forgave her for the lad she kissed because i know what its like (i got really drunk once and kissed someone at the beginning of our relationship which i really cant remember)

after talking and stuff i think i've narrowed it down to a few things
1) last year of uni, she wants to concentrate on her course
2) she kissed someone and hates herself and thinks theres gonna be major trust issues.
3) her dad has been made redundant (thank you conservatives) and her nan has dementia and is in a hospice and its too much to care about someone else on top of the stress
4) she wants to go to china after uni and i wanna go skiing and i think shes scared we'll break up so she'd rather cut her losses now.
5) maybe she just doesn't fancy me any more? (which i find hard to believe cos she still says she fancies me, says she misses me, says she loves me, still finds me attractive, still enjoys my company)

SO THE PROBLEM
this last week shes contacted me. on monday she asked me to come over for a cuddle at 11:00pm, on wednesday she asked me for coffee but i couldn't due to lectures, on thursday she again asked me for coffee but again lectures ... today she ring me whilst shees on the train to have a chat and catch up because she won't be able to speak this weekend.... and now we've agreed to go for coffee on monday next week.

im confused. does she miss me, want me, just want to have sex, needs someone to talk to, want to get back with me? blahhh. please help

IF YOU DONT WANNA READ ABOVE

1) Me and my girlfriend have been together 2 years and recently got back from NYC. everything was PERFECT literally. good conversation, good amount of contact, sex was still amazing, we liked each others friends, there were no trust issues, we had the next two years of our lives planned (uni, then china / skiing)
2) she went home for 10 days and kissed a guy
3) came back to where we live and broke up with me
4) wanted space so i didn't contact her at all for a couple of weeks
5) she always contacted me first ... text .. facebook ... phone call.
6) now she wants to meet up, go for coffee. she says she misses me, loves me etc.
7) she wanted me to go to hers for a cuddle at 11pm ... what were her intensions?

QUESTION) what the hell is going on? does she want to get back with me or is she just testing the waters? Maybe just just wants to talk? advice would be amazing. what do i do?


THANK YOU EVERYONE

[girl68]

don't go.

she is not ready for a committed relationship. she might miss you now, until you have another apart break and she falls into another mans arms. people don't fal elsewhere unless they are not getting it at home for an extended period of time.

even if you think she's ready for this, will you ever fully trust her again? How will you feel when she is at home? I will bet that you will not fully trust her in this situation and you don't have anything unless you at least have a foundation built on trust. so I say don't go for coffee, kindly decline saying that it's too hard and it's best just to continue moving on.

[eonbar]

thanks for the reply girl68.

just a quickie, are you a girl, because that would probs effect what your saying. all my girl friends have been like, nooooo leave her, whilst my guys have just said give it a go.

i dont think that major trust would be there at the beginning of our new relationship if it ever did happen, BUT saying that i know its something we can work on. everyone makes mistakes, i know i have in the past, and i think everyone deserves a second chance. if she hadn't taken me back after i kissed some random girl in the first week of us being together, then we wouldn't have had the most amazing two years together now.

i dunno. its hard. shes so beautiful and everything was so perfect that i dont wanna let a couple of hours when she was pissed off her face in a club ruin what could very potentially be a very long time together for us ....

its confusing.

[RdHrshyKss]

the kiss isn't really the problem (although i'd be concerned if a guy i was dating couldn't control himself enough while drinking to not hook up with random people!), the problem is the fact that she broke it off with you. i think she's just feeling lonely and wants attention. if she really wanted to be with you, i don't think she would have broken up with you in the first place. i think this random hookup made her realize that she was sorta bored (after 2 years, people can get bored of each other) and thought that being single would give her the ability to go out and have fun...which isn't a bad thing. you guys are still young as hell and should be having a good time.

i just wouldn't trust her intentions for wanting to get back with you. i think the best way for her to figure out if she wants to be with you is to spend a decent amount of time away from you. completely breaking off contact. if after a decent amount of time, she is still having feelings for you, then MAYBE you guys can try things out again. i just don't think jumping into it again so soon is the best idea.

[xxazurexx]

She wants to return and because nothing transpired between her and the guy she kissed.

She now realises it was a big mistake to ditch you and to run off and pursue something further with him and because he doesn't want her.

Back she comes crawling, like they usually do.

[RdHrshyKss]

^^^also a likely possibility

[xxazurexx]

her dad has been made redundant (thank you conservatives) ...

The recession began under Labour....not the Tories.

[eonbar]

the kiss isn't really the problem (although i'd be concerned if a guy i was dating couldn't control himself enough while drinking to not hook up with random people!), the problem is the fact that she broke it off with you. i think she's just feeling lonely and wants attention. if she really wanted to be with you, i don't think she would have broken up with you in the first place. i think this random hookup made her realize that she was sorta bored (after 2 years, people can get bored of each other) and thought that being single would give her the ability to go out and have fun...which isn't a bad thing. you guys are still young as hell and should be having a good time.

i just wouldn't trust her intentions for wanting to get back with you. i think the best way for her to figure out if she wants to be with you is to spend a decent amount of time away from you. completely breaking off contact. if after a decent amount of time, she is still having feelings for you, then MAYBE you guys can try things out again. i just don't think jumping into it again so soon is the best idea.

thanks for the advice. i guess that could easily be it. maybe she was bored? who knows? she wont give this as a reason and she never said anything about it when we were together, but again i guess this doesn't invalidate it as an option. people say there is always a reason why people cheat and this possibly was that reason?

how long is a long time though? its been almost 2 months, but would you suggest longer? i wanna give her time but im scared she'll forget me or move on if its too long. its been two months now and its never been me who contacts her ... ever. its difficult cos we have the same kinda Degree / uni buildings / lectures etc. We have separate friendship groups / places of work etc, but our town is small and we inevitably bump into each other in clubs etc. if i know she's going somewhere i'll not go there though, and i assume its the same for her.

thanks for all the advice tho people. i appreciate it

[RdHrshyKss]

The recession began under Labour....not the Tories.

uh oh, political disagreement!

liberals are annoying pussies and conservatives are close-minded pricks.

[eonbar]

The recession began under Labour....not the Tories.

lol. her dad works for BAe and perhaps it began under labour, but the con's voided certain contracts due to defence cuts.
anyway, yeh ... lol

as for previous comment, she never wanted anything with this guy i dont think. she said she doesn't know his name, he's from her home town 200 miles away from where she lives .... AND before she went home we were planning xmas, we just bought tickets to sea Deadmau5 in december, we co-bought her mums bday present, we had plans to go to china together etc... thats the prob i guess, it was completely outa the blue.

[RdHrshyKss]

how long is a long time though? its been almost 2 months, but would you suggest longer? i wanna give her time but im scared she'll forget me or move on if its too long.

i wasn't thinking of a specific time frame. i think you guys need to act your age, go out and meet other people. you're 21 and have been with her for 2 years? doesn't sound like you've had enough experience in the dating scene to really know if she's the right kinda girl for you or not. and if she forgets about you or moves on, then she obviously wasn't right for you anyway. i think if it's meant to be, it will be. and if your town is small enough that you bump into her now and then, i don't think she'll forget about you.

don't make yourself look desperate. if you go running back to her out of fear that she'll find someone else (even though it doesn't even sound like she's actually come out and told you that she wants to get back together with you), it'll make you look like a weak, pussy and she won't want to be with you anyway. she might stick around for the attention, but it won't be anything that will last.

[Applesauce]

A girl that wants to be with you doesn't need to go on a break or kiss other guys to realize that. Ignore this one and find someone who isn't confused about what she wants

[RdHrshyKss]

we just bought tickets to sea Deadmau5 in december

AWESOME!!! i have him playing on pandora right now as a matter of fact! lucky bastard.

[eonbar]

AWESOME!!! i have him playing on pandora right now as a matter of fact! lucky bastard.

HA! well i have a spare ticket now i guess so if you can get a flight to the UK its yours lol

[RdHrshyKss]

HA! well i have a spare ticket now i guess so if you can get a flight to the UK its yours lol

hahaha, i just might need to consider that! i missed his show in NYC, didn't get tickets in time