How to move on from my crush, and question about him

[AshBern]

I started this job about 9 months ago, and my office is next to a guy "Randy." He is 32, and we have some things in common. When I first met him, I wasn't really interested, but over time I began to like him. For the first few months he seemed extremely nervous around me, and had difficulty putting a sentence together. I flattered myself into thinking maybe this was because he liked me. I later found out that I am pretty much his type. Except my personality perhaps - i am very reserved and shy especially at first. Over time though he has gotten more comfortable and no longer comes off like that. Whenever we interact, it's somewhat awkward, but once the conversation gets going I feel very comfortable. I feel very calm in his presence, one-on-one

but the problem is I feel as though I am wasting my time getting all worked up about Randy. First of all our offices share a wall, although we don't directly work together. He sometimes speaks loudly and i can hear the muffled sounds of him talking. (he has said he cannot hear me though). So it's like this constant reminder every day and it is not helping me to not think about him and start to obsess. a group of us colleagues hang out often after work and I have actually been avoiding the last few get-togethers because I didn't want to see him because I don't want to be thinking about him.

There have been a few indications of interest but not lately. Randy offered to drive me to a conference, which was like 10 hours driving total, and brought up the idea a couple times. It wasn't simply a matter of let's save gas by splitting the cost - there was more, but that's the brief version. He is very kind to me, and will sit with me for an hour to explain things to me (he has been working there longer) even though he is under no obligation to do so. He invited me recently to a formal event with him and his close female friend, when he could've asked this other girl we work with who he seems to get along great with. I was surprised he invited me, but it wasn't a date. it was the 3 of us. Another time, he brought out his dog just so i could meet his dog. There have been a few other things too. mainly the very nervous way he seemed for the first few months was the must curious to me. I cannot understand why other than him being interested why he would act that way. And we were out together one time with the group, and he and I waited by the bar for our drinks, and a tipsy older couple started talking to me. randy had gotten his drink and could've returned to join the group but he wouldn't leave my side. the tipsy woman asked us if we were together and told him that I am very pretty and how we would make a good couple. We just sort of nodded along. I don't know if he's just overly polite in general, or what. but if he is, that's confusing for me.

With these come a few indications that maybe i am wrong. For instance, (as explained below) he adds people on Facebook all the time after meeting them one time, and he never added me. I added him like 7 months after knowing him. I followed him on Instagram and he never reciprocated. He hasn't asked me on a date. He doesn't always come say hi to me - usually he does if he has some "reason" to come over- he comes to chat with my neigboring male coworker more often and then he'll stop and talk to me. (now he's more comfortable) (and no he's not gay). And I (embarrassingly) tried texting him before, and he'd give me like a weird response that wasn't responsive to what i was saying. Those things were very discouraging.

I am torn because I am really attracted to him, but I am totally confused and getting frustrated. It's very hard that I must hear him every single day! And then if something happens that makes me feel like he doesn't like me, then he'll do something the opposite. For instance that invitation to the event came after all of this stuff.

What's more is the thing that I learned about him that make me uneasy about him - and this might warrant its own separate thread. His close female friend, his other "date" to the recent event, has mentioned before, outside of his presence, what his "type is" His type of girls match my physical characteristics, but are dumb and high maintenance and won't treat him well. Indeed, when i added him on instagram, i noticed that on the screen that lets you see your friend's updates, it'll say RandyInstagram is now following so and so, and it's ALWAYS some young girl (early 20's) who posts selfies, bikini shots, and other provocative photos of herself. And these aren't random people from all over the world. they are girls in the city we live in. And the same is true on Facebook. It makes me feel horrible. I know he is on Tinder, and all the other dating sites. The other day, a voluptuous 20-year-old girl who appears to have large breast implants, whose facebook is all bikini pics, tagged him and 20 other people in a post asking if they want to go to the pool. That is what prompted me to sign up for this message board. I felt so sad. He has a professional degree but apparently wants to hang out with these 20 year old college students, and clearly they know each other in real life. she lives in our city, only tagged a handful of people. I have no idea what he is doing in his private life. He has never come off that sleazy to me before. And it's actually NOT limited to younger girls, he also does the same to older women, but the thing that has in common is that they all post photos of their large cleavage. one lady was like 50 years old, and i was quite shocked. Her account was very similar though in that she posts lots of selfies and cleavage. I counted and of the 85 people he follows on Instagram, 50, FIFTY (!!) are those kinds of accounts!!! That is about 60%.

The other thing is that I have heard he has said things like, "oh i have to move to [neighboring state] now" after he met this attractive girl ONE time who happened to live there and was just in town visiting. like then he mentioned that a few more times, yet every time we go out, i have observed that he is always trying to score a number with a new girl. Even at that event the 3 of us attended, he vaguely mentioned having a date the week before, and was already to hit on this new girl, and he added her on facebook like 2 days later. I added him on Facebook after 7 months. And she is 24 btw.

I don't even know if the two of us are "friends" or what is going on. Even if he saw me as a friend, he could've added me on facebook. he clearly doesn't hate me or else he would not have invited me to that thing. the other thing about it is, if he is dating all these girls, why didn't he just invite one of them? but he NEVER tells me that he met someone and is going on a date, as he does with that close female friend that I mentioned. I always hear about it from somebody else, other than the vague references he makes when we're with the group. He NEVER tells me when we chat one-on-one about his dating life or the fact that he had a a date. never. even if i am the one arranging the group get together and he cannot attend because he has a date, he just gives me a vague sorry I can't make it, polite courtesy response. At least it'd be nice if i felt like we were friends. so that's why i'm confused

And i have heard one of our work colleagues mention she wants to set him up with a friend of hers, and i have also heard that somebody else tried to set him up. yet he is still single and actively trying to date. He hasn't had a girlfriend in 4 years. This part makes me very very curious about him. Like what is wrong with him? is this NORMAL? I know this is a reason to not like him because I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him. But is he insecure (at work he certainly comes off that way, especially at first, he could barely properly construct a sentence around me), so he likes the attention? I know his breakup 4 years ago was very bad, does that have something to do with it? And btw, that was his one and ONLY girlfriend. this all makes me wonder. and I KNOW it is not my business. but i feel like it will make him more human to me.

at work he comes off so proper. And awkward! yet he has this double life almost. i forgot to mention- the first time outside of work i saw him, I thought he was rather obnoxious. And he's always trying to be funny and loud but as I said at work he's not like that.

(TL;DR) So the reason I am so confused and frustrated is for multiple reasons
1. he seemed interested in me, at least for the first few months, when he seemed abnormally odd around me, and now he's comfortable and has invited me to events. We have some things in common and my looks are what I am told are his "type"
2. there are other signs that maybe i'm just wrong and he doesn't like me at all. he didn't even so much as add me on facebook for 7 months
3. he follows a lot of "provocative" girls on Instagram and adds them on Facebook.
4. even if he has had a date, he's back on the online dating looking for another date with someone new, or doing so in real life.
5. I hear him through the wall every day and see him at work every day and after work too.
6. I don't feel like we're even friends, even though he does some things that could be explained as us being friends as opposed to a sign of interest. we aren't friends. plain and simple.

I want to get over my attraction to him. Usually i spend time apart from the person. I feel it's impossible to do! Plus i am very curious about what the heck is going on in his private life with all these women. I know it shouldn't concern me. I know it makes me feel sick and repulsed. but sometimes i need to give myself more reasons for why I shouldn't like him in order to stop liking him. I just feel like dirt. I am very mad at myself for letting my feelings get to this point. I should have stopped this much earlier.

[Wakeup]

Set your sights on someone who you don't work with and who isn't a player, playing on silly girls that need the attention.

You can do better then being with someone like him. You really can. You are not the attention whore type that needs to get her validation by getting compliments and by "being followed" because men think you're going to be easy to get a leg over.

He's not asked you out because he doesn't want you getting all a flutter when he doesn't make you his girlfriend.

By all accounts, he sounds like he's just a player and he's smart enough to keep it professional where he works. My advise is that You do the same.

[AshBern]

Set your sights on someone who you don't work with and who isn't a player, playing on silly girls that need the attention.

You can do better then being with someone like him. You really can. You are not the attention whore type that needs to get her validation by getting compliments and by "being followed" because men think you're going to be easy to get a leg over.

He's not asked you out because he doesn't want you getting all a flutter when he doesn't make you his girlfriend.

By all accounts, he sounds like he's just a player and he's smart enough to keep it professional where he works. My advise is that You do the same.

Thanks so much.
I know intellectually it's bad but I am having trouble getting over my attraction to him because I see him all the time and whatnot. I do keep it professional during work but cannot get over the crush. I want to get over it!
There was a happy hour recently that I skipped because he was going to be there.

[Wakeup]

knowing that he's basically never going to look out for you or anyone but his own sexual needs should be enough knowledge for you to use to get over your crush on him. He's not a good candidate for a long term, drama free relationship where you'll not be afraid of what he's doing with his female "friends."

[AshBern]

knowing that he's basically never going to look out for you or anyone but his own sexual needs should be enough knowledge for you to use to get over your crush on him. He's not a good candidate for a long term, drama free relationship where you'll not be afraid of what he's doing with his female "friends."

So an update. Went out for drinks with friends from work. Thought itd be a girls night out. I actually had thought was just going to be just me and one girl. But no. Guess who was coming but running a little late. Before he arrived it was brought up (Not by me) that he basically dates a different girl every week. It not about even realizing if the date is a match, its like hes already planning a date with the next person. So i sort of knew that. But WHY does he do this? And i dont think he is sleeping with all these girls to be honest. I just dont get it. Is he trying to see how many different girls he can go out with? One girl suggested that this is how he gets his confidence

Why does he need to date someone new to get confidence? I truly didnt get it.
Anyway i am pretty mad he was there. I was doing so well.

[basilandthyme]

If it doesn't make sense that he has to date someone new for confidence, then it's probably not true. This is just the opinion of one gossiper after all

Anyway, I find the best way to get over an attraction is to not feed it. And focus on the annoying traits that person has.

[Wakeup]

So an update. Went out for drinks with friends from work. Thought itd be a girls night out. I actually had thought was just going to be just me and one girl. But no. Guess who was coming but running a little late. Before he arrived it was brought up (Not by me) that he basically dates a different girl every week. It not about even realizing if the date is a match, its like hes already planning a date with the next person. So i sort of knew that. But WHY does he do this? And i dont think he is sleeping with all these girls to be honest. I just dont get it. Is he trying to see how many different girls he can go out with? One girl suggested that this is how he gets his confidence

Why does he need to date someone new to get confidence? I truly didnt get it.
Anyway i am pretty mad he was there. I was doing so well.

I think what your friend actually was trying to convey was that instead of him getting his self-worth through deeds done and goals accomplished, he gets a fleeting sense of being worthy through his dick.

[AshBern]

I think what your friend actually was trying to convey was that instead of him getting his self-worth through deeds done and goals accomplished, he gets a fleeting sense of being worthy through his dick.

So that's pretty sad and pathetic, eh?

[Wakeup]

So that's pretty sad and pathetic, eh?

Well, I'm sure he doesn't think so. But you do so that is what will get you past any type of feelings for him so that you're in a state of indifference to him. Rightly so.